Small package, profound impact
Valentine's Day. First time in 25 years I dreaded it's arrival instead of embracing it as a time for appreciating the privilege of marriage to a wonderful wife and mother. That being said, the day began well. I gave Matt his valentine card from his Mom in Heaven and his Dad on Earth. We shared some of the treats from his awesome friends at the CP center (after breakfast of course).Then I walked him out to his bus, as he happily went off to join those friends for the morning. I knew that I must be constantly in motion today, to have any chance to make this day tolerable. Off to Point Beach for a very snowy 6 mile run. Then groceries, then cleaning anything and everything that remotely needed it. Then down to the weight bench. By that time, Matt was home, and I had made us lunch. Then playtime until he decided to nap. Then, I decided to box up just a few things for Goodwill. All was going well, some items brought a little ache to the heart, but focus on the task was keeping me sufficiently even. Then, just a little empty gift box. As I was about to toss it in the trash, My eyes fell on the attached gift tag, which read "From Matthew to Momma". Amazing, isn't it. I've been hit hard on the football field in my youth, and got up and said bring it on. I've worked 12 hr.days that took every ounce of strength and endurance I had. I have run races when the last few miles seemed impossible to complete, yet kept my feet and pace. This little box. drove me to my knees like no other blow could. Blindsided, sucker punched by such a simply worded little gift card. The realization that I will never again be able to help Matt, hand over hand, write the gift tag to his Mother, was a far bigger blow than any other enemy or adversity could deliver. Including this new challenge called Valentine's day.
I have returned to my feet, dusted myself off, gave grief the middle finger salute, and took my wonderful son out for ice cream. Those who fall and get back up, become far stronger than those who never fell. We all will get back up, time after time, for as long as it takes to finish this race to the arms of the ones we love.
I have returned to my feet, dusted myself off, gave grief the middle finger salute, and took my wonderful son out for ice cream. Those who fall and get back up, become far stronger than those who never fell. We all will get back up, time after time, for as long as it takes to finish this race to the arms of the ones we love.
Replies
Robert,
So today was a day that sucked big time, that is all I have to describe it. I was pretty much OK all day and thought well maybe I will make it until I fall asleep tonight and low and behold, just like you something so small in size but not in memory did it, got the best of us. I was listening to the song that he picked out for our wedding and as it got further in it just hit me. I have tried to listen to it over and over but couldn\'t even get through the 1st few words, this time I was OK up until about halfway through, then BAM smack in the heart. I continued through and when it was over I was a blubbering idiot and all the emotions came back so now I, we must start our crawl back up the mountain, although the pain is still there it is better fought than the many times before so the climb to regain our steps seems to come a little less heartbreaking and with more determination to beat off the demon that has a hold on us. I know that these things will continue to happen and I dread each time as it seems to cause another crack in the heart, but I look forward to the time that I can think of or remember Stevan or something and be able to balance out the hurt and the joy of having someone who loved me and who I love and gave me so many precious memories and 2 wonderful children and oh so many laughs. To be able to laugh at those memories is my goal as that is one thing I miss the most right now to be able to laugh and laugh hard, not just smile or chuckle for a moment, I want tears of laughter, not tears of sadness. Some day, some day but not right now. That same question still comes to me, what is it all about, Why, why do things happen that can cause such pain to us, pain that digs so deep that you swear you will never be right again. I close my eyes and I see him laying there in the ER room and I remember the nurse saying that it was normal for people to inhale a couple times when they die but his eyes were open ever so slightly and I thought for a moment that he was alive, I could see his eyes and I see that image when I close my eyes and I wonder still did I do the right thing in having them stop, but of coarse I did there was no heartbeat, nothing after all they did and gave him but you still wonder what if he could see me for that split second and was trying to tell me to have them keep trying he wasn\'t ready to go yet. WOW I am having such random thoughts, sorry for getting so graphic, but this is what I deal with constantly, to have that last vision of him, well I just can\'t rid it from my mind.
So I will stop here before I get anymore buried in thought.
I am glad you pulled yourself up today Robert and got Mr. Matt some much needed ice cream, that sounds good right about now :)
I am going to go to the casino in the morning with my sister and my friend Lori and her spouse Susan, I haven\'t been since the last time with Stevan, we always had so much fun, not winning but just being together, so we\'ll see how it goes, I am driving also just in case I need to leave, we are going at 6am, what the heck was I thinking that\'s so early but not busy then.
Wish me luck.
Have a good night and I wish peaceful thoughts of Sharry for you
Thank you for caring and checking on me. You are very dear to me as is Matthew.
I am dealing the best I can and I know there is good to come, when that is the question.
Good night my dear friend over in cheese head country
Laurie
Hello, Robert ...
Your journal entry was written so well, worded so beautifully that it gave me pause. I found your closing line so meaningful ... and I sincerely thank you for that.
Wishing you peace ...
Olwyn
Thank you. As I am pulling myself up again after today. I must remember to salute!
J
You write beautifully.