Slowly losing my mind..
I honestly don't know how I am still standing on my own two feet after everything that has happened in one year. I am not sure who will actually read this, and to whoever is reading this right now I apologize for the ridiculously long entry. I have not actually vented in a while. But this has been my life in the past year..
I got into my first relationship after 4 1/2 years of being single. I thought our relationship would last up until I truly got to know him. In the beginning he was amazing. He was funny and sweet. We had a lot of fun together.I felt like I had truly found the one I have been waiting for. My anxiety and depression disappeared. I was finally able to sleep normally. I woke up happy and alive. We got serious VERY quickly. In the back of my mind I knew we were rushing things but I didn't care. I had a habit of ending 95% of ALL of the relationships I have had in my past. At the time I thought it was real. We talked about marriage and kids. I know I am only 24 but I have lived a very dark and complicated past. I grew up too fast. I would love nothing more than to settle down, and start a family at my age. Long story short I opened up my heart to him. I told him some very dark and painful secrets from my past. I wanted him to know all of me before we settled down. He acted as if he cared but never really had anything to say about my words even though I sat there in tears after telling my story. Eventually he became very emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive. It started when I didn't want to be around him 24/7 and wanted some time to spend with my friends that I had been neglecting. He became very verbally suicidal. Anytime I wanted to spend time with a friend without him he would act very crazy and threaten to kill himself because he was "depressed" and felt like I didn't want to be around him. I caved in every time because I wasn't sure if it was an act or he had a problem. We started fighting constantly but I went back every time because for ONCE in my life I didn't want to walk away. I thought we just needed to work out the kinks of a relationship.
I started to give up when I got sick and he brushed me off. I had period and (bathroom problems) so I made a couple appointments. He wanted to take me. I was upset with him but decided I needed him with me because I wasn't close with my family anymore. He made me miss my first two appointments because he was "busy" or "overslept". The third time I made the appointment he showed up late. By the time I got there he just dropped me off because he had to go to work. (Which was like 10-15 minutes away) I walked in alone and the nurse told me that they called me earlier and cancelled my appointment. My cellphone was turned off so I had to call him from a pay phone. He answered and went I explained to him what had happened he became annoyed and basically told me he couldn't pick me up because he just walked into work. (BTW he was a DELIVERY BOY who was constantly driving!!) He said he had to go and I was stranded. Had to ask around to find out which buses could take me home. It was a disaster. The following week I spent going against everything he complained about and did what I WANTED for once. He changed his tune once I told him if he doesn't shape up I would leave. I made a GI appointment for my bathroom issues and they told me I needed a colonoscopy. I broke down. They said they were going to have to put me to sleep. I had a panic attack. I have never been in a hospital and have never been put to sleep. I got the pills and everything else to clean my system for the night before. The day came and I became very sick due to the laxatives and not eating. He fought with me ALL DAY over the most ridiculous things. I cried all day. Finally I begged him to come over and take care of me. He agreed and everything was okay until I had to sleep. He tried to have sex with me. He also tried to have ANAL sex with me when he knows 1) I don't do that, and 2) I was taking laxatives all day?!!! I flipped out and fought with him. He left.. He decided not to come to my appointment because he felt "uncomfortable" around my mother and her boyfriend? I didn't understand why that was more important than being there for me?
I got through the procedure in one piece. found out I had internal hemorrhoids. I was given disgusting cream for flare ups. Vitamin E & Fiber pills every day with a strict diet. I never had anything wrong with me. It sucked.
He never called me to ask me how it went. Didn't ask me how I felt. I cried all day. He went out that night. He truly didn't care. Enough was enough. After I recovered I went out when I wanted. Drank anytime I wanted, and stopped caring. He didn't like that. He insulted me. Threw stuff from my past in my face. Emotionally started to abuse me. Called a whore, disgusting, worthless, and useless. Made fun of my flaws. He knew what broke me and tried any chance he got. I left him immediately and moved on. He stalked me for a while and tried to make me think it was my fault. Eventually got the point and walked away.
Half a month later I eventually went to the GYN. Found out I had PCOS. No one understood how I felt. I felt so alone. No one knew what it was. And when they looked it up I was told it wasn't a big deal. It was to me..
Two months and MANY drunken nights after I found out that I developed a heart murmur. Again no one thought it was a big deal. It was brushed off like everything else that upset/hurt me. It may not be a big deal to them, but it was to me. If they truly loved me why wouldn't they support me?
When my life was at it's worst my best friend of 13 years decided to walk straight out of my life because of her boyfriend. He was my old boyfriend from high school who become one of my good friends over the years. He (long story short) got into a fight with me one night and ended up telling her that I tried to sleep with him at a party. WHICH IS A COMPLETE LIE! There were many nasty rumors spread about me. I mean, I am going to be 25 years old! These people are OLDER than me! Why do I feel like I am back in grade school? I was already cracking but THAT was was ultimately broke me. I contemplated many things. I tried to reach out to her many times. I was so desperate to release the truth. Everyone around me thought I was a whore. A home wrecker. All the past dirty rumors were brought back up. They all believed them now. I was the town whore and no one could trust me. I was dirty and vile and deserved everything I got. I couldn't believe that people who were once like family to me could believe such insanity. I wanted to give up..
Eventually I woke up. Thank GOD.. I didn't want to become that person again. I HATED that person. Everyone else could ruin their lives. Everyone could believe the lies. The people who are meant to be in my life will believe me, support me, and help me through this. I refused to follow them. I had to fight. I had to move on. I had to take control for once in my life. So, I woke up one day and I quit smoking and drinking cold turkey.
Around the same time that I decided to quit smoking and drinking I also lost a lot of "friends". I lost everyone that I was so used to leaning on. Everything I was used to doing involved alcohol and cigarettes. I spent a lot of time locked up in my room. I felt physically better but I felt I was dying from the loneliness. I had the people in my house but they are not supportive at all. I had a very bad falling out with my mother which I will post in a completely different entry in the PCOS section. Its been two months clean and I am still waiting for the sun to shine. I have been trying to get a job for a year and 1/2. The only support system that I have is through typed words. I am still completely grateful but sometimes I just want to sit in front of someone who is completely sober and allow me to vent. I am struggling to have Faith. I honestly feel so lonely. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed. I know that if I keep fighting good will come. But when? I am barely holding on. I just want to be happy. The holidays are coming, and to be honest I don't know how I will handle it.
I know I should be grateful for what I have especially during the devastation of Hurricane Sandy but I just can't help myself. I have never been selfish in my life. For once I want to be selfish. I want what I crave. I don't want to wait. When will it come? Will I get what I want? Or will I continue to fight just to get disappointed and ultimately continue to suffer in the same boat I have been in for the past year?
I want to keep fighting.. I want to succeed.. I don't want to give up..
Something's gotta give right?
I got into my first relationship after 4 1/2 years of being single. I thought our relationship would last up until I truly got to know him. In the beginning he was amazing. He was funny and sweet. We had a lot of fun together.I felt like I had truly found the one I have been waiting for. My anxiety and depression disappeared. I was finally able to sleep normally. I woke up happy and alive. We got serious VERY quickly. In the back of my mind I knew we were rushing things but I didn't care. I had a habit of ending 95% of ALL of the relationships I have had in my past. At the time I thought it was real. We talked about marriage and kids. I know I am only 24 but I have lived a very dark and complicated past. I grew up too fast. I would love nothing more than to settle down, and start a family at my age. Long story short I opened up my heart to him. I told him some very dark and painful secrets from my past. I wanted him to know all of me before we settled down. He acted as if he cared but never really had anything to say about my words even though I sat there in tears after telling my story. Eventually he became very emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive. It started when I didn't want to be around him 24/7 and wanted some time to spend with my friends that I had been neglecting. He became very verbally suicidal. Anytime I wanted to spend time with a friend without him he would act very crazy and threaten to kill himself because he was "depressed" and felt like I didn't want to be around him. I caved in every time because I wasn't sure if it was an act or he had a problem. We started fighting constantly but I went back every time because for ONCE in my life I didn't want to walk away. I thought we just needed to work out the kinks of a relationship.
I started to give up when I got sick and he brushed me off. I had period and (bathroom problems) so I made a couple appointments. He wanted to take me. I was upset with him but decided I needed him with me because I wasn't close with my family anymore. He made me miss my first two appointments because he was "busy" or "overslept". The third time I made the appointment he showed up late. By the time I got there he just dropped me off because he had to go to work. (Which was like 10-15 minutes away) I walked in alone and the nurse told me that they called me earlier and cancelled my appointment. My cellphone was turned off so I had to call him from a pay phone. He answered and went I explained to him what had happened he became annoyed and basically told me he couldn't pick me up because he just walked into work. (BTW he was a DELIVERY BOY who was constantly driving!!) He said he had to go and I was stranded. Had to ask around to find out which buses could take me home. It was a disaster. The following week I spent going against everything he complained about and did what I WANTED for once. He changed his tune once I told him if he doesn't shape up I would leave. I made a GI appointment for my bathroom issues and they told me I needed a colonoscopy. I broke down. They said they were going to have to put me to sleep. I had a panic attack. I have never been in a hospital and have never been put to sleep. I got the pills and everything else to clean my system for the night before. The day came and I became very sick due to the laxatives and not eating. He fought with me ALL DAY over the most ridiculous things. I cried all day. Finally I begged him to come over and take care of me. He agreed and everything was okay until I had to sleep. He tried to have sex with me. He also tried to have ANAL sex with me when he knows 1) I don't do that, and 2) I was taking laxatives all day?!!! I flipped out and fought with him. He left.. He decided not to come to my appointment because he felt "uncomfortable" around my mother and her boyfriend? I didn't understand why that was more important than being there for me?
I got through the procedure in one piece. found out I had internal hemorrhoids. I was given disgusting cream for flare ups. Vitamin E & Fiber pills every day with a strict diet. I never had anything wrong with me. It sucked.
He never called me to ask me how it went. Didn't ask me how I felt. I cried all day. He went out that night. He truly didn't care. Enough was enough. After I recovered I went out when I wanted. Drank anytime I wanted, and stopped caring. He didn't like that. He insulted me. Threw stuff from my past in my face. Emotionally started to abuse me. Called a whore, disgusting, worthless, and useless. Made fun of my flaws. He knew what broke me and tried any chance he got. I left him immediately and moved on. He stalked me for a while and tried to make me think it was my fault. Eventually got the point and walked away.
Half a month later I eventually went to the GYN. Found out I had PCOS. No one understood how I felt. I felt so alone. No one knew what it was. And when they looked it up I was told it wasn't a big deal. It was to me..
Two months and MANY drunken nights after I found out that I developed a heart murmur. Again no one thought it was a big deal. It was brushed off like everything else that upset/hurt me. It may not be a big deal to them, but it was to me. If they truly loved me why wouldn't they support me?
When my life was at it's worst my best friend of 13 years decided to walk straight out of my life because of her boyfriend. He was my old boyfriend from high school who become one of my good friends over the years. He (long story short) got into a fight with me one night and ended up telling her that I tried to sleep with him at a party. WHICH IS A COMPLETE LIE! There were many nasty rumors spread about me. I mean, I am going to be 25 years old! These people are OLDER than me! Why do I feel like I am back in grade school? I was already cracking but THAT was was ultimately broke me. I contemplated many things. I tried to reach out to her many times. I was so desperate to release the truth. Everyone around me thought I was a whore. A home wrecker. All the past dirty rumors were brought back up. They all believed them now. I was the town whore and no one could trust me. I was dirty and vile and deserved everything I got. I couldn't believe that people who were once like family to me could believe such insanity. I wanted to give up..
Eventually I woke up. Thank GOD.. I didn't want to become that person again. I HATED that person. Everyone else could ruin their lives. Everyone could believe the lies. The people who are meant to be in my life will believe me, support me, and help me through this. I refused to follow them. I had to fight. I had to move on. I had to take control for once in my life. So, I woke up one day and I quit smoking and drinking cold turkey.
Around the same time that I decided to quit smoking and drinking I also lost a lot of "friends". I lost everyone that I was so used to leaning on. Everything I was used to doing involved alcohol and cigarettes. I spent a lot of time locked up in my room. I felt physically better but I felt I was dying from the loneliness. I had the people in my house but they are not supportive at all. I had a very bad falling out with my mother which I will post in a completely different entry in the PCOS section. Its been two months clean and I am still waiting for the sun to shine. I have been trying to get a job for a year and 1/2. The only support system that I have is through typed words. I am still completely grateful but sometimes I just want to sit in front of someone who is completely sober and allow me to vent. I am struggling to have Faith. I honestly feel so lonely. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed. I know that if I keep fighting good will come. But when? I am barely holding on. I just want to be happy. The holidays are coming, and to be honest I don't know how I will handle it.
I know I should be grateful for what I have especially during the devastation of Hurricane Sandy but I just can't help myself. I have never been selfish in my life. For once I want to be selfish. I want what I crave. I don't want to wait. When will it come? Will I get what I want? Or will I continue to fight just to get disappointed and ultimately continue to suffer in the same boat I have been in for the past year?
I want to keep fighting.. I want to succeed.. I don't want to give up..
Something's gotta give right?
Replies
If you could only read this from where I sit, you\'d see how it was written by somebody who has amazing strength, endurance and courage. Lots of other people out there don\'t have the ABILITY to see the situation they\'re in, the environment that surrounds them, realize that change is sorely needed and - here\'s the hard part - ACTUALLY CHANGE.
YOU are doing ALL of that.
YOU.
Don\'t think of it as being selfish because IT IS NOT SELFISH. You HAVE to take the reins and do what is necessary to help your health, to help you heal. I wish I could tell you it\'ll be a quick, easy road...but it isn\'t - maybe one day far into the future when doctors finally know PCOS in and out it might be solved with a pill, but for us, now, different story. Sorry.
I didn\'t have nearly the same road as you, but I don\'t have any close friends either - at least, none that stuck around after the good times ended. Yet another reason I love this forum - we\'re all stuck in the same boat in the same sh!tstorm, so we all help one another.
what doesn\'t kill us DOES make us stronger...dear God, did I just quote Kelly Clarkson?
From your age, I can tell you are my age,
and with that, I can say, you are incredibly, INCREDIBLY strong and amazing. The fact that you haven\'t given up yet should prove that you won\'t. You know you are worth far more than you can currently see.
Don\'t underestimate yourself and don\'t think because you are putting yourself first that you are being selfish. As for close friends, I\'ve kept myself pretty much to myself (don\'t really speak much irl believe it or not), but I am slowly starting to open up more because of people like you who care. So if you can cause that change in me, you darn well can do something positive for yourself..
You
MOST DEFINITELY
earned it...^^
I am glad you made it through the hurricane safe. My town is still picking up trees from that (and this current Nor-easter isn\'t making it much better), but just because the people got their houses destroyed and areas have been devastated, they pick themselves up, rebuild and try to make their lives better..most being grateful for what they still have...but they...just like you...move on and get better.
It\'s fine to be grateful for what you have, but that shouldn\'t keep you from what you can have and what you can be.
Sorry I don\'t have a song to end it with like rmorgan...currently listening to Magic Pie by Oasis...I got nothin\'...^^
Seriously, I can not thank you BOTH enough for your kind words! You have me at the verge of tears (happy tears). This site honestly saves me everyday because of people like you guys! I have felt so lost and alone in the past year. Before joining this site I really wasn\'t sure if it would help but honestly it has! Your advice, kind words, and personal stories as well truly make me feel like I am not alone and I am forever grateful!!! :)