Slowly Getting By & Getting On.....
Well folks, it's now been 3.5 weeks since my ex-fiance left and within this past week, and for the most part it hasn't been easy, but I'm slowly coming to accept that things are over. I'm waking up now a days, and for the most part, not expecting to see my ex anywhere in the home after I wake up in the morning.
Now the pain of the loss is very real, my heart still misses her and sometimes wonders how she's doing. But I'm forcing myself to try and snap out of it, when thinking about her. I try to tell myself, "Aaron I'm sure she's doing the best she can, why obsess over what's she's doing, you'll never guess"! And then I try try to snap myself back to just me, reminding myself that I to am doing the best I can, and that I'm trying to move on.
I'm still continuing my Saturday and Wednesday evening support groups! Granted it was to late during the end to save a relationship by jumping in and trying to work on myself. But since I now understand that these groups can't be for "her" anymore, for there's nothing left to save. These groups now have to be all about me, it's hard to accept that perhaps if I got help sooner things wouldn't have turned out as they did.
One minor bit of things slowly returning to a new normal, not an old one for that normal died on August 3rd, but things are mellowing a bit as far as tension within my home. My two cat's are slowly showing slight signs of improvement. There starting to slowly pick back up playing and eating more and drinking more water. For these two little girls since the ex left have had it real bad, especially what was my ex's cat, but they are taking baby steps towards their own version of recovery.
I'm know 100% I'm in no way ready for another relationship, I've got to still get more distance between myself and the break up situation and get my head on more right and get my heart back into at least a comfortable place. But I've had slight trickles of thought, like thinking there could be someone out there better for me than my ex proved to be.
I had a recent communication with my ex, come to find out that she was more truthful with me as far as when she was here, making her move out as to be the next great thing. She admitted that the grass in this case wasn't greener. She admitted that being back home was harder than predicted. She feels like she's taken a step down in life and now is back into the land of having to check in with parents, ask permission for things and now her money isn't entirely her's anymore, her parents got some meat hooks into it. She for all intents and purposes was speaking "bro code" and it all aimed towards regret about being to hasty to move and perhaps not staying and waiting to see how I do in recovery and giving things a chance.
She knows she made the choice, and I advised her that she now has to do the best she can to live with it. I told her I'm working on myself and don't really feel like rekindling anything because I'm not ready. Also telling her that the next time I entertain the notion of getting into a relationship it will be with someone new. Telling her that I couldn't afford any "repeats" of previous situations. I didn't bad mouth her, I actually kept calm, but I told her that the next person I'm with hopefully will be a free thinking person and not subject to parental control as far as making choices for her. So she knows I'm not interested, no reconciliations, just the choice to leave was made, her parents helped control some of that, she left, we're dealing with the aftermath and trying to move on.
Also I had been purposely staying away for a while from this web site. I had noticed that continuing my daily routine reading one sad story after another was getting to me. Even though I'm some what limiting my exposer here, don't worry, I'm not leaving, just trying to keep myself from slipping backwards by reading about to much heart ache and sadness.
This whole thing has been a serious learning lesson for me, it has shown me what "not to do" if there is going to be a next relationship. Next time I will take things slower, being more honest, try not to get involved with someone who is 18 years younger than me, I will try to find someone more in my age group. But again, I'm no where close to doing anything like that, these are just pre-thoughts, that's all.
Hope all my friends here are doing well, my hopes and prayers are with you! :)
Now the pain of the loss is very real, my heart still misses her and sometimes wonders how she's doing. But I'm forcing myself to try and snap out of it, when thinking about her. I try to tell myself, "Aaron I'm sure she's doing the best she can, why obsess over what's she's doing, you'll never guess"! And then I try try to snap myself back to just me, reminding myself that I to am doing the best I can, and that I'm trying to move on.
I'm still continuing my Saturday and Wednesday evening support groups! Granted it was to late during the end to save a relationship by jumping in and trying to work on myself. But since I now understand that these groups can't be for "her" anymore, for there's nothing left to save. These groups now have to be all about me, it's hard to accept that perhaps if I got help sooner things wouldn't have turned out as they did.
One minor bit of things slowly returning to a new normal, not an old one for that normal died on August 3rd, but things are mellowing a bit as far as tension within my home. My two cat's are slowly showing slight signs of improvement. There starting to slowly pick back up playing and eating more and drinking more water. For these two little girls since the ex left have had it real bad, especially what was my ex's cat, but they are taking baby steps towards their own version of recovery.
I'm know 100% I'm in no way ready for another relationship, I've got to still get more distance between myself and the break up situation and get my head on more right and get my heart back into at least a comfortable place. But I've had slight trickles of thought, like thinking there could be someone out there better for me than my ex proved to be.
I had a recent communication with my ex, come to find out that she was more truthful with me as far as when she was here, making her move out as to be the next great thing. She admitted that the grass in this case wasn't greener. She admitted that being back home was harder than predicted. She feels like she's taken a step down in life and now is back into the land of having to check in with parents, ask permission for things and now her money isn't entirely her's anymore, her parents got some meat hooks into it. She for all intents and purposes was speaking "bro code" and it all aimed towards regret about being to hasty to move and perhaps not staying and waiting to see how I do in recovery and giving things a chance.
She knows she made the choice, and I advised her that she now has to do the best she can to live with it. I told her I'm working on myself and don't really feel like rekindling anything because I'm not ready. Also telling her that the next time I entertain the notion of getting into a relationship it will be with someone new. Telling her that I couldn't afford any "repeats" of previous situations. I didn't bad mouth her, I actually kept calm, but I told her that the next person I'm with hopefully will be a free thinking person and not subject to parental control as far as making choices for her. So she knows I'm not interested, no reconciliations, just the choice to leave was made, her parents helped control some of that, she left, we're dealing with the aftermath and trying to move on.
Also I had been purposely staying away for a while from this web site. I had noticed that continuing my daily routine reading one sad story after another was getting to me. Even though I'm some what limiting my exposer here, don't worry, I'm not leaving, just trying to keep myself from slipping backwards by reading about to much heart ache and sadness.
This whole thing has been a serious learning lesson for me, it has shown me what "not to do" if there is going to be a next relationship. Next time I will take things slower, being more honest, try not to get involved with someone who is 18 years younger than me, I will try to find someone more in my age group. But again, I'm no where close to doing anything like that, these are just pre-thoughts, that's all.
Hope all my friends here are doing well, my hopes and prayers are with you! :)
Replies
Aaron,
I can relate totally to what you have written. I am in the same spot recovery-wise as you are. Trying to get used to the new normal. Finally coming to the realization that things are not going to work out with my spouse and trying to come to terms with what it means to live alone. This is the first time in my life that I have been entirely on my own. I know I need to heal and fix the issues that caused the break-up - my lying.
Wondering if I will/can ever find someone else that will love me. Sometimes thinking that I am not worthy of another relationship but sometimes thinking that I might be deserving of another chance without all the history that is in my current relationship. My wife has always had an issue with forgiveness which may have been a contributing factor to why I lied so often to her - but still no excuse. I talked to her a couple of weeks ago and it became very clear to me that her bitterness towards me is obscuring any good memories of me or of us and that the bitterness runs so deep in her life that will never (?) be healed.
I go over to our old house one more time this weekend to collect the rest of my stuff that is stored in the barn. She is locking the doors and we have agreed to avoid any contact this weekend. I just drive up in a U-Haul and I pack up my stuff and drive off. Very sad but that is the way it is.
I know I\'m still in for a shit-storm when her lawyer finally files for divorce - probably next month. But i am trying to stay strong and focus on my recovery and my new life as it is now. Not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas without my family but that is part of my new life now. I will make new traditions and friends.
Iswan, I feel you!
My ex-fiance had serious forgiveness issues, even going as far to live by her motto \"I never let go of grudges\"! That was a hard issue to live with when we were together. I got the whole \"I don\'t let go of grudges\" thing a whole lot when we had our phone call back on the night of August 7th, oh man, she was busier that a cat on a hot tin roof when going down her laundry list of all the grudges she had with me. And on that night, I was to come to find out that everything she was telling me before leaving came to be lies. I recently found out that almost all of what she was telling me like \"oh baby, one day we might be together\" and oh baby, I value your privacy, you don\'t have to share the real reason of why I\'m leaving to people, for you\'ll be alone to defend yourself. Granted I played a role in our splitting up, primarily because of some of the lies I told. But it\'s damn hypercritical of her to change her tune after she now had 2000 miles between us, to change everything that was agreed to and said, she was just blasting me with the whole grudges thing. During that phone call, just bitterness! So I know what your talking about!