Slipping Back
Wondering why I did progress to the point of realizing that I too have wants and needs only to discover they are unattainable?
I have been blessed that I have contributed in different ways during my life to touch others and I will continue to do so. I am truly happy when things do work out and proceed onto an exciting new journey for so many. Several in my family have some very special joys to be thankful for , friends on here ( and around me) are proceeding into new exciting relationships, but as I do look at my own situation, I am surrounded by obstacles and being consumed by doubt.
While I do joke and have all my endless unrecognized sexual needs- I think all my thoughts and writings and talk probably does provide a bit of relief for some, but that is it. So, in the end, I am left being nothing more than a temporary fix.
Being nothing more than a caregiver and smutt writer is not anything to be proud of (No life of any real value or substance) Back to trying to just go through the motions and get through the days.
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I just want you to know that I value the friendship we have formed on here. You are a wonderful person and I wish you nothing but the best.
I am always here to listen and offer support. Hang in there!
Hugs,
Kim
I can't take your pain away but I can tell you I appreciate your friendship
Hugs
Kim, we all have doubts and feelings of stuckness. What we have to learn is to love ourselves and stop living with the wrong perception that we’re alone in the universe. I know very well that it’s hard to believe we are not alone. When we find our lives are such a struggle it’s usually us creating the illusion of struggling. There is a choice every moment to take a deep breath and decide to find joy in the smallest things. That’s where the sustenance is hiding. In such plain sight many miss it. The growing daylight, the birds getting a little more lively. You once joked with me about becoming a nun. Imagine that. You could find happiness in your heart just being one with god. Maybe it’s time to simplify things for yourself. I care about you. Truly care.
I do try to find joy in the little things. (That is probably what has helped me to hang on this long) It's just hard when I reach that point where I feel the whole world goes by without me.
finallyawakenow said what I could not put into words. We are all born with Love, made with Love by Love, When we are young, our thoughts get contaminated by others,...mostly family so we place blocks that hide that Love. Holding on to past, untrue negative beliefs is holding you back and you need to let go of them.
https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/3-types-of-unhealthy-beliefs-that-will-drain-your-mental-strength-make-you-less-effective.html
I know there are very many sad, lonely people. When I do see one, I always reach out - even just a smile or touch--or being included in a conversation does brighten their day. I am happy to provide that as I know what that loneliness feels like. The thing is-- It took me 35 years before I was finally convinced that I also have ( and deserve) a life of my own. Then it would take me 20 more to discover that I too have wants and needs- and finally speak out as I became aware of just what they were.
What I do NOT understand is why we are given such strong desires and needs if they are not meant to be? I feel again- unimportant, neglected and taunted. They are not out of the ordinary and this site is full of others just like me. I would give anything to be loved and appreciated-- to brighten someone's thoughts and day-- to be able to trust so much so that we could share our hopes, dreams, joys, fears-- working together and strengthening and encouraging each other as well as our relationship. (I was not to be blessed with children, to experience a healthy, loving relationship or even any passion or physical touch .All is just more for me to want and crave but never attain. This empty ache is killing me. I can't just go through the motions-- It does not work for me. I just need to crawl back out of this-- again.
You really need to force yourself to move beyond your fears. Believe me, you will get help! Don't be so afraid of the Love (God) that's in your heart! .
I have not turned so much over to God recently as he does not seem to hear me, I still pray for others-- not so much for myself. I do wonder why we all do search for our wants and needs when it seems apparent that we only get them if it is what HE has in store for us.
I know that since I am still kicking there must be more in store for me (but if it is just more of what I have been dealing with- I might as well be done- have had enough.) I do try to think of the Garth Brooks song-- UNANSWERED PRAYERS.
As you know Kim, I’m with Bob on my concept of god. I never felt a connection while referring to Him. Because it made me feel so separate. Once I began seeing god as ‘just’ love everything changed. Now when I am loving myself I am connected with this higher power. So , in a way, prayers to find strength and guidance are self fulfilling. However you understand it please know that separateness is , as bob said, a conditioned perception. I now know that happiness is only possible when it starts inside. Nothing outside can give it. In fact a little mantra I say is : not separate, not separate.......
If you believe in god, then you must know he loves you and wants the best for you, for everyone. But we are designed with intellect, to choose how we want to live and that is on us. I believe in trying to give stress, anger, worry, fear, etc up to god, a higher power, etc because that is what removes barriers to take action; it’s fortifying. But we still have to be the directors of our own lives.
I think sometimes the most important thing we can do is just accept that this is where we are. Not lament it or wish it away or wonder why, because that is just a distraction. That time could instead be used to make plans to change it.. This has nothing to do with god’s plans for you but rather your plans and what you intend to do about your situation. It’s hard I know. But it has to come from you. I say it all the time; sometimes we just have to be the hero in our own story.
I am stuck then-- in that distraction. I have had times where I do try to make plans to change it, but there are always obstacles. Right now, it does not take much to wear me down. Ashamed to say-- it is easier to give up--- just incredibly sad . (and empty)
I will try to get myself back to God -- and back to that support and encouragement. I am grateful for what I do have and was given that second chance. I just seem to hold onto that feeling of not being GOOD enough or worthy enough. In my mind- the greatest gift is to feel life growing and nurturing inside you-- to be blessed with that most certainly mean he does love you. Since I was not to ever have that, feeling like damaged goods.
Will try to let go and let God- and truly surrender and listen to what direction I need to take. Otherwise, I am again wasting a valuable gift (the time left here on this earth and all I can do here) I just know the old day to day going through the motions is not good for anyone.
It’s an awful feeling to think you are not good enough. But you can choose to not believe it. Those feelings, those thoughts, what if that’s all just a lie we have been telling ourselves. What if it’s a narrative we created? If it is, then we can just decide to not believe it or change the narrative. It’s not written in stone that this is who we are and therefore, it must be, always. What if whenever you have a negative thought about yourself, your value, your worthiness etc you simply redirect your thoughts. As they come, simply brush them aside, like swiping your hand at a gnat flying around your head. They are just thoughts, not actually anything more than that. They really don’t warrant giving them any more life than that.
Maybe the plan for now just needs to be changing how you think about yourself. And once you do that, it’ll will be a catalyst to make other plans.
Did turn things over and ask for that guidance and courage. Also this morning on my way to work I did see a deer right by the road. Gave me a good long look then turned and went off--- as if to say follow me. Was starting to feel better-- getting my head and next steps in motion.
Came home today -- still haggling and spending hours on the phone to get a script renewed and shipped (to be here for 10 am dosage tomorrow) Spend the last 4 days but finally got it through. Still trying to be positive. Then stbx informs me he has 2 dr appts next Tues. Time to kill in between and is far away. So my entire day off is planned. So is another Tuesday 2 weeks later. I can feel the anger and resentment building up as he continues to take and plan and expect all from me. It is time I tell him and whether he likes it or not I need out . I am done trying to predict his reaction or prepare for the blame to be shifted... Does not matter. It is over .
Coming from dysfunction, I should know by now-- no matter how hard I try to prepare and predict the final outcome-- is not gonna turn out as I expect. I also need to let go of that need to try to control-- since I seem to have no control over anything. I need to just move forward--- inch by inch to get to a happier place. I know where it is. It is in my own little space (wherever I wind up) coming home to relax or do whatever I choose whenever I want to. Come home to a clean house--- no junk in the house, prepping good food and no more crap. No longer tossing out $200 a month for his cigs to destroy the house (and do more damage to his already ailing health).
Kim, just remember you are good enough and don’t stop praying. Remember, God doesn’t answer all prayers right away. I’m sure He wants to see how bad you need Him and how long you’re willing to pray for His help. Back over 40 years ago, I was going through some rough times with work and fighting anxiety. One day while driving to work, I felt I couldn’t go on anymore and started to cry. I said, please Jesus, help me. I need a hug! A moment later, I felt like someone was giving me a big hug and all my anxiety lifted. It was an amazing experience. He knows when you need him most. Sometimes you have to ask for that “hug.” My anxiety has never gone away completely, but I can handle it much better. Don’t give up. Have faith!!
Love and Hugs!!
Bruce