Slipped, new resolve!

So, yesterday I cut after a massive panic attack.  I had been good for so long, but the fatigue, anxiety and everything is just getting worse and I started feeling like I couldn't think for several days and finally gave in. Unfortunately, the cutting did clear my head.   I also bought alcohol for the first time in my life this week.  That doesn't clear my head.  I think I'll just drink a little before bed until it's gone and then give up on it.  It's not helping the way I hoped it would.  But the cutting - I need to find something else that will clear my head so I won't use it again!
 
Problem - I'm too tired to do anything.  Solution - I should be content doing nothing but sit on the couch if I can find something good to do on the couch.  I'm going to try camping out in the living room tomorrow.  Camping out in my bedroom I think has become too much isolation.  And maybe I should start inviting friends over if I'm too tired to leave the house. 
 
And I should probably call my docs and tell them the fatigue is getting worse.  But which one do I call first?  PCP, dermatologist (monitoring dermatomyositis) or psychiatrist?  I already tried cutting back on the anxiety med that would be causing drowsiness. 
 
I need to just stop expecting anything from myself, I think.  Whenever I try to do anything I'm too tired. 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

call psychiatrist. hospitalization necessary because you are cutting.
very not normal....not even for DM patients.

you are also clearly out of touch with your faith. after you are in the hospital, you need to call your pastor or small group leader and have them work with you on finding your FAITH in God again.

We all are suffering. But God is using this to talk to you....through your pain. It\'s a real shame you\'re not even trying to listen.

t
Beth85
Beth85

Tamryn,

I appreciate your reading and commenting on my journal. It helps to know people care. I know cutting is not normal, and mine isn\'t related to the DM, though being sick certainly doesn\'t help matters. It\'s related to childhood sexual abuse. And, with CSA victims, self-injury is quite common. That doesn\'t justify it, and I don\'t like that I do it, but it helps me understand why I struggle with it.

I told my therapist about the cutting. And I will tell the psychiatrist when I see him. Rest assured that the people who need to know, know about it. Hospitalization isn\'t necessary over one episode of cutting. If I were suicidal, that would be another story. I\'m not in danger of hurting myself right now. I won\'t cut again, hopefully ever, but for at least a week or two, that\'s how it goes with me. The hospitals just take you in and spit you out again in 3 days anyway.

I\'d be interested in a Christian live-in recovery program if I could find one that would work for me and would be covered by insurance. I had applied to one that doesn\'t charge anything, relies on donations, but they wouldn\'t take me because my fatigue is so bad I wouldn\'t be able to keep up with the program. That was disappointing, so I\'ve set up the best support network I can here in Dallas and am in therapy and a SA support group.

I found your statement that I\'m not even trying a little harsh. I know I slipped up this week, but one rough week and a moment of weakness doesn\'t mean I\'m not trying! Do you know how many times I\'ve chosen not to cut in the last 3 months? Multiple times a week! I know God is the answer to my problems, and I am seeking him. I believe He will restore me. If I weren\'t trying, I wouldn\'t be in a Christian sexual abuse support group, going to counseling, and living across the street from a Christian campus surrounded by people of faith. I\'d be running from the pain, rather than trying to face it safely with the support of Christ and the community of believers.

I am a Christian and a cutter. I have panic attacks and I have faith. I am saved and a sinner. The cutting, panic attacks, and sin don\'t nullify my relationship with God and the faith that I do have in Him. But it shows my weaknesses and areas where growth is needed. I\'m learning to trust Him even with the anxiety and depression - God has not chosen to heal me from the CSA overnight, but rather He is walking with me through the valley of the shadow the death. And I can\'t fix it overnight, either, believe me, I\'ve tried. There\'s no magic words or prayers to make it all go away. My heart is broken - and it needs Christ\'s healing, and the gentle hand which will not break a bruised reed, will restore my heart in the way He knows is best - gently and patiently, one piece at a time. I have to be patient and trusting in the process.

Grace and Peace,

Beth
deleted_user
deleted_user

inremissionnomeds - i dont no wtf u think you are saying most people on ds have a faith in god and still cut i dont no wat u have been eating.

I dont no wat the f**k this is about losing faith in god if anything people just lose sight on why god is there but they just but it down to a rough day and they soon see that god is there to help and loved them, so wat ever the f**k you think about beth is not right.

she dont need hospitals and she dont need to see someone it is just a down patch in her life and she will get over it, come on get over yourself.
KeepHoldingOn
KeepHoldingOn

your heart for the lord is so evident and such an encouragement to me xxx thank you