Slipping
No entry yesterday just because i didnt have any time at all so while i have a minute here we go.
So yesterday started off on a good note i was busy all day so i didnt really think about the wrestling or my back yesterday but then i went and grabbed some quick dinner for me and the wife and when i pulled in she asks me if the guys ( wrestling " buddies " ) called me because there supposed to be coming to grab the ring so that they can take it for the next season coming up ( We have stored the wrestling ring at my house for the past two years) And with only that statement i fell and started to fall hard and i still am today, Although im trying to not let it affect me to much but all i have been able to think about all day long is how much i miss just being ME......
It just hurts me so bad to think about how and who i was before my back blew out and then having to look at myself in the mirror EVERYDAY and tell myself that " its ok " that i cant do it anymore and that " its ok " that i cant do anything physical anymore without hurting or possibly reinjuring my back...... I know that i have to do this but i cant cope with being the weak normal person now, Not to say that i was special or anything but damn it i was able to do what most never could have and NOW im the one who cant do anything anymore........
I just dont know about this life anymore. It just seems like everytime i feel like im FINALLY going down hill and it gets easier for me to cope with this then OUT OF NOWHERE a fuckin mac truck crashes into me at 200MPH and the hurt starts all over again. All i can think about is who i have become over the past two years and that i hate myself for even feeling so strongly about something because EVERYTIME i think about it all i can do is cry cry cry and it pisses me off so much to see how far i have fallen because of this.
So yesterday started off on a good note i was busy all day so i didnt really think about the wrestling or my back yesterday but then i went and grabbed some quick dinner for me and the wife and when i pulled in she asks me if the guys ( wrestling " buddies " ) called me because there supposed to be coming to grab the ring so that they can take it for the next season coming up ( We have stored the wrestling ring at my house for the past two years) And with only that statement i fell and started to fall hard and i still am today, Although im trying to not let it affect me to much but all i have been able to think about all day long is how much i miss just being ME......
It just hurts me so bad to think about how and who i was before my back blew out and then having to look at myself in the mirror EVERYDAY and tell myself that " its ok " that i cant do it anymore and that " its ok " that i cant do anything physical anymore without hurting or possibly reinjuring my back...... I know that i have to do this but i cant cope with being the weak normal person now, Not to say that i was special or anything but damn it i was able to do what most never could have and NOW im the one who cant do anything anymore........
I just dont know about this life anymore. It just seems like everytime i feel like im FINALLY going down hill and it gets easier for me to cope with this then OUT OF NOWHERE a fuckin mac truck crashes into me at 200MPH and the hurt starts all over again. All i can think about is who i have become over the past two years and that i hate myself for even feeling so strongly about something because EVERYTIME i think about it all i can do is cry cry cry and it pisses me off so much to see how far i have fallen because of this.
Replies
Oh love. First off, you are not weak , ur back is . Thats it . Doesnt make you weak. Crying and hurting because of something you LOVE , does not make you weak either, and its nothing to hate ......it shows you care. it shows u are a human being with dreams, emotions and things to offer. its ok to hurt hun . And you have us here to help you get thru these times afer the mac truck hits you and try to bring you back up again . Hang in there. x
I know how you feel sean. As far as feeling good about things and then that damn mac truck comes along. Happens to me almost daily. but i\'m trying to learn how to move forward and forget / forgive the past. It\'s not easy, but we have to be strong and try to have faith. Ive never really been to religious, but I\'ve been talking to god alot lately. I hope he hears me. I\'ll ask him to give you strength too. Thanx for the hug.