sliding backwards
I read the post "The Journey".
I think Im on one of those back down the mountain slides. The things I was able to do before,,,in the first few weeks after Jeremy passed...I cant seem to do anymore. I took some comfort in going into his room and sitting on his bed and talking to him. Yes,, while crying and missing him but I could do that and if felt like a relief to talk to him. Now I cant go into his room much less sit and talk to him.
I could go through his pictures and smile and remember and even laugh at some memory or other that the picture brought back. Now I cant look at his picture. I opened my pictures on the computer and saw his folder of pictures,,,and I started shaking and crying and could not for the life of me click on that folder to open it.
Everytime I get to a place that I think Im ok. Not Ok but ok,,,,, things change. Then Im right back to trying to get a handle on all this so I can function.
Funny how its always when Im at my lowest that I think to come here to FMO,,,even if just to read. I wish I could offer words of encouragement like all the wonderful mothers here,,, I just have no words for it yet. I cant even tell my daughters that everything will be ok. Cause Im not at a place where I think it will.
I think Im on one of those back down the mountain slides. The things I was able to do before,,,in the first few weeks after Jeremy passed...I cant seem to do anymore. I took some comfort in going into his room and sitting on his bed and talking to him. Yes,, while crying and missing him but I could do that and if felt like a relief to talk to him. Now I cant go into his room much less sit and talk to him.
I could go through his pictures and smile and remember and even laugh at some memory or other that the picture brought back. Now I cant look at his picture. I opened my pictures on the computer and saw his folder of pictures,,,and I started shaking and crying and could not for the life of me click on that folder to open it.
Everytime I get to a place that I think Im ok. Not Ok but ok,,,,, things change. Then Im right back to trying to get a handle on all this so I can function.
Funny how its always when Im at my lowest that I think to come here to FMO,,,even if just to read. I wish I could offer words of encouragement like all the wonderful mothers here,,, I just have no words for it yet. I cant even tell my daughters that everything will be ok. Cause Im not at a place where I think it will.
Replies
Holding you with my whole heart darling......understanding and hearing your heart. I did some \"strange\" and \"bold\" and \"brave\" things in the beginning, then got the wind knocked out of me and started over.....and then started over, and then started over, and then started over. But what I realized is that with each starting over, I wasn\'t in the same place....miraculously I was little stronger, a little more ready, a little more accepting. Today, 6 1/2 years later I still wake up every single morning and \"start over\"....I just do whatever it is that I can do today.....that\'s all.... I think the healing comes from our inner willingness to just try...however that look from day to day.
You are doing ALL you can for now, and that is ENOUGH!!!
Love and so many prayers for your shattered heart~~
You are grieving deeply and that is your entire world. I know this world and was in it for a very long, long time. It takes everything you have to awaken each day and face the day... I know... I am still there, yet not there if that makes any sense at all? Somehow the heavy anvil of grief and sorrow has been slowly lifting over these past five years for me and healing is meant for ALL of us in this lifetime not just a select few. You are where you need to BE for today and I know it\'s devastating and hurts like nothing you have ever felt ever. Deepest of sighs...
One thing I do for sure is that you will never be where you were on that fateful day. Never... I know that it feels as if you are yet you are not... Healing is happening even on those days you doubt it with every core of your being. It is...
Take this time to cocoon, heal, scream, cry, question, doubt, feel...You are doing all of this and as Teri said it is enough... more than enough. There are no goals to reach and this path is your life.
Please know that you are not alone in any of these feelings and that you have a caring community here of hearts with ears.
Loving care to your broken heart and to your wonderful Jeremy.
Stay close and don\'t worry about the words. It\'s your time to receive and to absorb.
Tightest of understanding heart (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours, can understand.
Let me come in -- I would be very still beside you in your grief;
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears bring relief. Let me come in -- and hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours,
And understand.
-Grace Noll Crowell (Poet)
It hasn\'t been a year yet, you are very much in the raw stages, every thing is becoming real. From my experience as more of the time goes by the pain gets deeper and our brains get over loaded with repeating the same stuff, the \"if only\'s\" the \"Why\'s\" wishing for a miracle to happen, angry cuz you don\'t have control of fixing it, it with feel like your going crazy and going to have a breakdown, all that stuff mentally takes up all your energy to the point your body is so tired, all you want to do is lay down and sleep until you wake up hoping it was just a nightmare...Then it starts over again, over and over, then as more time goes by something will happen out of no-where and you will feel like you had a brake through not a brake down.. This will go on until you go through the holidays, angel date, birthdays, mothers day, every little thing until you process each emotion through this over and over until you learn to deal somewhat living without your son..The pain will lessen, but never be gone completely... The sadness is always lingers in are heart and soul every morning when we get up, its up to us to try to think more positive about how we will live our life until we meet them in heaven when our time is up....Take care of your self, XO Kelly
Every thing you are experiencing is normal. I slept in my sons bed the first few nights. I wanted to feel his presence and \"smell\" him on his sheets. A few short months after, I totally re did his room because I couldn\'t handle the reminders and I put all the pictures away. Then still later, I took pictures back out and would blow kisses. It\'s all so strange to us how to handle this process. We do whatever works for that day and sometimes, nothing works and we fall apart. It takes a very long time to navigate this new life without our child. In time, you will be able to do the things you once enjoyed and you will smile fondly at your memories. The tears will still come but they will dry a little bit quicker. Until then, hang in there and go with the flow. Love to you and prayers for strength and comfort. Much love. Robin