Sleepyyyyyy
So, My doc ups my meds to help me sleep, now I can't wake up! Its so hard to get any work done this sleepy. I have to find a compromise! I need to sleep but not be a zombie all day either.
On another note, my ex came over for the weekend to hang out, his roomate had guests, they live in a tiny apartment. I'm still not sure how to take that. He stayed sat and sun and we did have platonic, friendly fun, but when he starts talking about his long term plans without me, I automatically feel like the world caves in again.
I can't help but start crying in the restaurant when he talks about moving to another state. He looks startled and asks whats wrong? Whats wrong? Let me count the ways this sucks? I tell him its hard for me to just be friends and hear his plans without me. He says, " I like you, I like dating you, you are fun to be around" "Can't we just do this for awhile?" well.... I guess its okay for now.... but I really do want a real relationship with someone. I of course paid for everything all weekend, I used up all my savings trying to make it a special weekend. I realized that he still expects this of me. I work so hard for what I have. He picks the easiest job he can find. But he knows if he wants something, he just has to drop the hint. I'm such a sucker. Sooo stupid.
I just don't know what to do...
I have to ask myself.. is friendship enough? Is that enough to build a marriage on? How do you let go of someone that you get along with so well? Someone that gets me? I've already given up so much for him... children, a stable financial life, sex... all for friendship. sigh. I'm so tired.
On another note, my ex came over for the weekend to hang out, his roomate had guests, they live in a tiny apartment. I'm still not sure how to take that. He stayed sat and sun and we did have platonic, friendly fun, but when he starts talking about his long term plans without me, I automatically feel like the world caves in again.
I can't help but start crying in the restaurant when he talks about moving to another state. He looks startled and asks whats wrong? Whats wrong? Let me count the ways this sucks? I tell him its hard for me to just be friends and hear his plans without me. He says, " I like you, I like dating you, you are fun to be around" "Can't we just do this for awhile?" well.... I guess its okay for now.... but I really do want a real relationship with someone. I of course paid for everything all weekend, I used up all my savings trying to make it a special weekend. I realized that he still expects this of me. I work so hard for what I have. He picks the easiest job he can find. But he knows if he wants something, he just has to drop the hint. I'm such a sucker. Sooo stupid.
I just don't know what to do...
I have to ask myself.. is friendship enough? Is that enough to build a marriage on? How do you let go of someone that you get along with so well? Someone that gets me? I've already given up so much for him... children, a stable financial life, sex... all for friendship. sigh. I'm so tired.
Replies
I went through that with the sleep meds too. Eventually your body will adjust. The only one I had trouble with was Trazadone. The hangover effect from that was something awful, and it took a lot longer to get used to than any of the others. And now, even with the meds, I\'m only sleeping four hours on average.
I don\'t know what advice to give you on your relationship status, so I won\'t. All I know is that I\'m at the point right now where I feel like I don\'t even deserve to have someone good in my life. My life is such a mess, and it\'s not fair for me to subject someone to the circus. I hate being alone. I hate that everyone who initially came to offer their support have gone back to their daily lives and left me with a \"call if you need anything.\" And I hate that my mind will not shut down long enough for me to recuperate. I know there\'s no magic pill for that now.
I hope you find the answers you\'re looking for soon. And I hope you are able to get some rest so your mind can operate the way it\'s supposed to.
Not taking sleep meds yet just lots of wine. But it must be harder to function when you feel groggy. You know reading your post we seem to have exactly the same circumstances and oh god yes it does make you so tired. Keep in touch.
First, I know how the med stuff is...been on the sleepy train myself. lol. Can you shift your meds to the evening so that the bulk of it can work through your system while you sleep and keep you from passing out during the day?
Secondly: Your ex is putting you through some major emotional stress. And from the sound of it, the way he is behaving now is the way he always has. Has there ever been any real closure/resolve between the two of you as to why id didn\'t work out the other times? I hope this doesn\'t come off mean because it is coming from a caring place, but I can\'t help but see from what you write that he is taking advantage of you. He wants you when it is convenient to him and when you are willing to do things for him. Please stop me if I am wrong...but does any part of what you wrote sound like it can lead to a healthy relationship down the road? You will really have to dig deep and answer this question from within, because you shouldn\'t have to settle for anything less than you feel you deserve.
Take some time for yourself. Instead of spending a paycheck on a weekend for him, take that money and send yourself to a spa/hotel and relax. Be a tourist in your city for the weekend. Really do something special for yourself that can help you take your mind off things for a bit :)
I hope you can find a way to let him go so that you can move ahead and be ready for the person out there who is right for you. I just don\'t think waiting for him is going to do anything but hurt you. It prevents you from opening yourself up to what and who is out there for you. He is a friend that you get along with well, and that is so important to have in a marriage--friendship. But it\'s not enough. You have given up so much for him and he is not giving to you in return. He continues to just take, and I think that is going to continue for as long as he wants, unless you set clear boundaries for yourself and hold firm to them. I just did that with my soon to be ex-wife. I had a hard time making the decision to do it, but I told her in a letter, not an email, that I cannot continue communicating with her any longer. I never know what kind of emails I am going to get from her from one day to the next, but too many of them are very mean. And I have not wanted to end the marriage, I just have really wanted to work things out, it\'s so hard to give up on my marriage. I don\'t understand why she doesn\'t seem to care. It\'s her 3rd marriage, so that may have a lot to do with it. It\'s devastating to me even though it\'s definitely best that we are not together. I was so afraid to take the final step of cutting off communication. I didn\'t want to end what I thought was a lifetime partnership. It hurts so much that this is happening. But I cannot continue to try to get her to be someone she is not. I think the same is true for you with the man you want to marry. He is taking advantage of your love for him. As hard as it is to think about really letting him go I honestly believe it will help you once you have done it. I feel relieved and like I can finally focus on what I want my life to be about. You know the saying, about not getting caught up looking behind you at the door that has closed because if you do then you will miss the doors that are opening up in front of you. I believe that is true. I am seeing it now. The way I am dealing with the past is to come on here and talk to others like yourself and to work these feelings out together with supportive friends. I have also been advised to take a good look at myself and why I chose to be with my wife. I see some issues there that I need to confront, and I am beginning to do that now. For me, it\'s about confidence. I didn\'t really feel that anyone else would want to be with me, so I hung on to her regardless of how much it hurt to be with her. That\'s not so healthy. Just knowing that gives me a totally new view of myself. I can be confident. Why not? I know I have good qualities and I would like to find a woman who has similar qualities. I work hard, as do you, I have a good heart,as do you, I can take risks to overcome challenges, and so can you. I can be happy with who I am as I am, and so can you. People love me for who I am, and some actually find me attractive, people love you for who you are and clearly you are attractive. Show people that side of you, the confident woman who knows she is worthy of someone who is willing to make a commitment to her. I feel like I\'m giving a pep talk! But I mean what I say, and I hope you know that. Good luck as always!
So, I\'ve seen you around but haven\'t had any computer time to really explore everyone. Since I finally do, I read your journal.
I feel your pain so much, and there are a number of factors at play here. I too gave up my life savings to \"be loved\". I know how painful it is to try to be that \"good person: to someone, to the point where we try to sooth all their hurts, make their lives better,a nd somehow find value in ourselves for doing so. Man do I know that story. I also know how hard it is to let go of that person that \"gets you\".
We all work through issues in our own way. I have always been that \"good\" person that just wants to help others. When I finally broke the bank and split up, I immediately regretted it. I couldn\'t let go, because I believed in the whole soul mate, meant to be, lie. On the day that I finally got the courage to end it, I was devastated. I hit rock bottom (I touched on this day I bottomed out in my journal, if you ever want to read it). Words are not sufficient to convey the hopeless despair I felt.
I had always felt that happiness was not intended for me. Two other failed relationships, with this combined, was too much. If I had had the means to do so, the only written word you would see of mine would be in obituary form. Seriously.
I\'m the inquisitive sort, very self aware, and always thought that if I could find the reason for my unhappiness, I could fix it. Some things, though, are just too big for us to deal with. I called a crisis helpline for the first time in my life. When I got in touch with a counselor, we made an appointment. I called her later on the day of this \"breakdown\" to tell her not to believe a word I said. I warned her that I would come in and pretend that everything was fine, because that was the way I rolled. To never show weakness but die on the inside, while nobody is watching.
Counseling has worked WONDERS. I was ready to get to the bottom of my deep unhappiness and what led me there. I took every piece of advice I was given and have committed myself to the lessons learned FULLY.
I had self esteem/self worth issues. I already knew that, but I didn\'t realize just how powerful our minds are at reinforcing all those negative thoughts. I have even gone so far in my thinking before to think that counseling wouldn\'t do good. These people get paid to listen to problems, so how could they care about my \"stupid\" problems. I did give it the benefit of the doubt, out of options, because I couldn\'t live another day being broken as I was.
There is an up side to this though. It is possible to let him go. It is possible to be loved without giving everything away. It is possible to live and thrive without this man. It is possible to have worth and value to someone.
That someone is you. It may sound paltry right now, as in whoo hoo, I can learn to love myself...big deal.. but it truly is the biggest deal ever. Only when you realize your full worth and value will you find someone to love you the way you should be loved, the way you\'ve loved others, and the way you deserve to be loved.
That\'s my story. I hope it is of some help to you.
You so have to Look after YOU, let him go its not worth Your sanity or Your life.