Sleepover

I have a friend coming over soon. She is sleeping over for the night, and I am kind of anxious, which is pathetic but true. 
 
I don't go to bed until like three in the morning, and I don't eat dinner until like eleven, usually. I haven't eaten today except toast and I need to eat more I know, or else I'll eat bad things. Tonight for dinner I plan on having two soy nuggets and a baked potato. Throughout the night I will also have a salad (maybe with feta cheese, we'll see), my skinny cow ice cream bar (mint, so good!) and of course, my special k bar. Chocolate and peanut butter, they are my candy and are SO YUMMY.
 
But anyways, like I said before, I eat very strangely and slowly. So I usually don't like having people around for that. I also still haven't done my leg exercises yet and will probably have to do them while she is here. We'll be watching a movie though so it won't be too weird, I'll just sit on the floor and do them while we watch. She's my bff, it's not like she'll judge me.
Oh, one another slightly "eh" moment. Today my mother started yelling at me because I flipped out since I wasn't losing weight as quickly as I wanted to. She said I am "body dysmorphic" (fucking duh, anyone who has ever had an ED is body dysmorphic), and that she is "worried sick". She wasn't worried sick when I was 14/15 and underweight, why now when I am heavy and could stand to lose a few pounds? The whole thing just upset me. 
I don't know, I just genuinely feel that it's better for me to focus on food right now, even if it's kind of obsessive for the time being. Before I started focusing more on exercising and stuff, about a month ago, I was literally miserable. Everything was all Amelia, all the time. Then the college anxiety kicked in in addition to that, and it was literally unbearable. I am actually worried I would try to kill myself if I didn't have this to distract me. It is only temporary, one day when I am happier I can get back on track. And I will not be dangerously underweight or anything. I need to get over my fear and sadness about going away from home because it is pathetic. I want to be happy again and be able to go out to eat or to places that have food. I am not missing out on much right now anyways, one of my two best friends is already at college and the other one soon will be. I am so pathetic.
 
Ugh. Now I feel more pathetic for complaining that I'm pathetic. I'm going to drink some tea and await my friend's arrival. I hope all is well with everyone!!!

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I know you\'ve heard this a hundred times but \"YOU are NOT heavy or overweight!\" You\'ve got to start realizing you are killing yourself...slowly. I\'m not trying to preach...I\'ve not been in your shoes before so I can\'t really say much. I know I\'ve seen your pictures and you look VERY thin to me.

I am overweight but it just depresses me to think about it so I try not to. I would kill to have a body like your\'s... never have and never will.

I hope you try to eat Healthy instead of worrying so much about your weight. You are NOT fat! I hope someday you see what everyone else sees in your mirror. HUGS!
TroJanThunder
TroJanThunder

I totally get ow yoou feel, but if you dont mind my asking is the shot ofyou in the new bikini where you are now with your weight? If so I would say stop losing. And going away from home for the first tinme IS very scary! But it can also be very freeing.
CarlaBent
CarlaBent

I hope you have a wonderful time with your friend tonight!!! Can you eat while you watch TV, too? Like with the exercises? Maybe it won\'t matter if you eat slowly then.
If you are right and you can stand to lose a few pounds, have your mother go to the doctor\'s with you and let the doctor set her straight!!!
If you damn well know that any doctor you go to will tell you that you are underweight and that your diet is unhealthy and that if you keep on following the path you are on you will kill yourself, then get off your mother\'s back. It\'s hard to watch your child die. Especially by her own hand. Do you really expect her to not try to save you? She may or may not know that she can\'t do it.
But asking her not to even try is asking an awful lot.
Anorexia is such a difficult disease to treat. I so hope you are getting some kind of psychiatric care.
I hope your parents are getting some kind of therapy, too. Your dieting doesn\'t just affect you. It affects the whole family.