Sleepless night
This happens more than I can handle. I find myself driving to work sleepy and back home again doing the same thing. Some nights I sleep like a rock but tonight is just like last night I can't fall asleep no matter how hard I try. My mind doesn't want to turn off. I keep thinking about one of our last conversations. He told me that he wanted whatever I wanted. I told him that it wasn't my life it was his and he said that it was our life and that what I wanted mattered to. Was I supposed to be selfish and tell him I wanted him to keep fighting? Is that selfish? I didn't want to see him suffering anymore. I didn't want to sit day by day watching him fight a battle he couldn't win. He didn't want me to stay and watch him die. He told me he wouldn't blame me if I wanted to leave. How could any civilized human being leave someone when they are about to die?! I always thought he was crazy for even suggesting that but then when I think about it he just didn't want me to watch him go through all of it. He was always putting me first even when he didn't have anything left to give. I miss him so much.
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I can understand that. When Dina was in the hospital she said similar things...I didn\'t deserve this, it wasn\'t fair to me, she wouldn\'t be mad if I divorced her, etc...and she was expected to fully recover (though she never believed that)! Even after going through everything with them day in and day out it\'s hard to fully understand how it is for them and what it\'s like to be the one in their shoes.
It\'s funny because looking at it from that point of view, in their shoes, I would probably say the same things. I don\'t think that I would really want him to leave though. I don\'t think he really wanted me to leave. I would have felt like a burden and I\'m sure that\'s how he felt because he would buy me cards just to tell me how much he loved me and to thank me for staying by his side. Being the one giving the care you don\'t feel like that person is a burden, at all, but as the receiver I can completely understand how that would make him feel. Thanks for that clarity. I ramble a lot when I\'m tired.