Sleepless again

I fell asleep early this evening, but had to set alarm for meds. Now I'm up with a racing mind. I just warmed my heating pad, took my next dosage and am curled up with my favorite flannel rag quilt to read. I feel like sobbing for some demented reason. I'm warm, sheltered, have food and a roof over my head, fine husband, great kids, strong faith, few but choice friends and still I feel like bawling. Dang, better not be depressed that will suck! I know, not funny. Morbid humor is kicking in, forgive me. Having suffered depression in the past, I know it's no laughing matter. I self check all the time. It's situational for me, only when a major appointment is approaching or I've just come out of yet another surgery. I think it has to do with a lack of control over my circumstances. Pain can do that to you. I've done all I can to obey my doctor's recommendations, am resting and taking my medications as prescribed, perhaps less than I was told but they make me stupid and groggy so I determined the needed pain med dose that helps but doesn't put me in a coma so I can still go for walks with my dog, sit in a chair, relax on my couch without hurting too much to be comfy. They did say to go home to be comfortable and still move around. I assume they want me to have some semblance of a life. Now I wait another week and a half until the appointment, fully expecting to be bumped to another day. Who knows, it's been known to happen.I've got new symptoms, fun ones, sharp pain in my hands and muscle spasms in my right butt. Yay!! I know it could be so much worse, cause I've already been there. Spinal collapse, imminent threat of spinal cord severing, the looks of fear and pity on faces of medical staff...I'm not dead yet folks. One day at a time. The bible says not to worry about tomorrow as each day has enough trouble for itself. Thank you Lord, for loving me, keeping me honest about this condition, for allowing me to share my journey with others in this forum. May I be a blessing to others and accept the care from others that you allow and give me. Amen.