Sleepless

I am so very tired. I have tried to change my sleeping schedule but I wake up so many times in the night. I can’t remember the dreams but I feel panic and anxiety. Sleep use to be my vice to escape reality but now it seems that my troubles seem to haunt me in my dreams as well. During the day I am fatigue but seem to find the energy to displace my thoughts. I submerse myself in projects and try to focus on the children, playing pretend: pretending that I am someone that I am not. Even these activities are not done correctly. The quality of my being shows with the lack of enthusiasm for life. Who am I? Everything I know about myself has changed. Even my faults are transforming into the opposite of what I have done for years. It doesn’t bring me hope; it just confuses me even more.
I am a proud and stubborn individual. I don’t give in but, even the strongest and most resilient people fall. There is nothing I have to grab onto. Free falling knowing that the bottom is near. It scares me so. Shaken by the reality that I have it within me to go there, to a place that might stop this madness.
So delusional for the lack of sleep, the lack of peace, the lack of comfort, the lack of knowing. Tears do not seem to wash the sorrows. Air that fills my lungs with a deep breath does not seem to jolt my physical being, letting it know it is alive. Sleep does not erase the torment of boggled thoughts. If only I could shut my eyes and dream of sunny skies and a flutter in my soul that feels alive. If only I could be freed from these heavy emotions.