Sleeping with the pack

Good morning journal,it is now 8:41am and I am awake.I slept last night,dreamless and,for the most part at peace,waking only once to find myself surrounded on our bed by three dogs and my exhausted,long suffering wife.I had the sensation of being wrapped,cocoon like,in their collective love;sleeping with the pack,my pack.As I moved to slowly ease the stiffness in my bones,they snuggled closer to me,protective and aware in their dreams of my presence,and I was reminded of the hugeness,that I sometimes forget temporarily,of the love I feel for my family,my pack.I ruffle the neck of our youngest dog,a huge gargantuan mass of jet black called Caesar;a mix of rottweiler and Victorian bulldog.At nine months old,he has the physical attributes and appearance of a small horse,and I wonder as I gaze at his resting form,just how big he'll grow.Buttons,our next dog,is somewhere around eleven or twelve years of age,an old lady who still has a boundless store of energy that belies her advancing years,she is the aristocrat among us,a short haired liver and white German pointer,she is the ultimate in  nobility of her breed.The smallest member of this fur family of ours is Bree,she is a five year old mix of Jack Russell and Stafford shire bull terrier.A bundle of unconditional love and though the smallest,the undisputed boss of the canine children.She snuggles closer to finally settle with a contented sigh between my wife and I,a little ball of black and white,with a smidgin of brown on her paws,much loved and loved in return.My wife,my rock,my reason for being;sleeps beside me,her face still creased with concern,even in her rest,for the man laying next to her,and I am left feeling unashamedly guilty at the ingratitude and harshness that I sometimes display towards her.I feel nothing but complete adoration for the woman,who although seven years my junior,displays a maturity and understanding that I sometimes sadly lack.She puts up with my ill temper when I am in pain,and respects my silence when I need to be alone with my thoughts;and I am totally bereft of understanding why she remains with me still.I stroke her hair and kiss her lightly on her forehead,and I rise,extricating my aching form from the mass of living beings on the marital bed,and meander through to the kitchen in search of coffee,and I leave my pack to their dream time,while I attempt to define how I feel about the new day ahead,and at this moment,I feel OK,and I change my little face on Daily Strength accordingly.A rare occurrence to be in the middle of the mood chart,but my pain level this morning,although troublesome,is manageable,and my mood,for now,is one of mildness and peace;thank you Lord in Heaven,my Father,my friend,my Savior.As I settle back in my chair,I make a silent promise to myself to try and maintain a pleasant disposition,at least outwardly,throughout the day today.I know I am clinically and severely depressed,and at times,my mood takes me to unimaginably dark places;but surely I can be man enough to protect my family,my pack,from my darkest imaginings and fears.I get the feeling that I am making them ill alongside myself;and that is something I never wished for.They deserve better,they deserve the father and husband that used to be,but sadly,for the moment,he is in a place I find impossible to reach.When I become silent within myself,it appears uncaring and ignorant to those I love most,this is a source of sadness to me,for it means I am silent and unresponsive to those around me,and they misunderstand my lack of response as an attitude of "I couldn't care less",which could not be further from the truth.I find it difficult to explain how I am feeling verbally,so I choose to say nothing at all.Instead,I come here,where I can be me,with all my fears and inner pain,and hurt no-one intentionally or otherwise,I am becoming isolated;like a man on an uninhabited island,a hermit alone with himself.I cry alone,huge wracking sobs of despair sometimes,at other times quiet tears of resignation and loss for the human being I used to be,but always,on my own.I no longer truly know who I am,and with every passing day I become more lost and withdrawn,and a man who does not truly know himself,or his identity or purpose,is condemned to walk aimlessly through his existence.So,for this day ahead;I shall try to maintain a quietness of soul that does not upset those people I love most;and I shall try and be outwardly grateful for their concern and their presence in my life,I shall let them know,I love them.I will choose to remain a part of the world today journal,that much I can do for those who care.I will not project or imagine;I will simply be.