Sleep? What's that?
Ugh.
I can't seem to kick the insomnia. When I do sleep, it has to be during daylight.
This is ridiculous and I know it.
When I curl up in bed, I start thinking. And thinking. My brain goes to the whore and I can't stop wondering and thinking and then dreaming up revenge schemes and imagining all the joys she's getting to experience. I feel like if she's happy, I can't be. How stupid is that?
Why does one person's happiness depreciate the value of another's? Why do I feel like it would be a betrayal to be happy and find joy of my own just because she's not miserable? Why would I even correlate her happiness with mine? We don't even exist in the same dimension, really. So what the heck?
I guess I should go back into IC. These are things a counselor could flesh out with me better than I can do on my own. I've also started back up with my vitamin D again, which tends to even out a lot of anxiety and sleep issues. We'll see.
It'd be really nice if my emotional side would catch up with my logical side. Logically, I know that the affair had nothing to do with me. Logically, I know my husband has committed himself to me and is giving his everything to our marriage. Logically, I know that OW has no place in my thoughts and certainly doesn't have a place in H's thoughts. I know that it doesn't matter that her birthday is this month and I know that what happened two years ago isn't what is happening now.
So why the anxiety? The nightmares? The frustration and the fear and the hate?
Ugh. SERIOUSLY. Skankalottawhore isn't worth this stress.
I can't seem to kick the insomnia. When I do sleep, it has to be during daylight.
This is ridiculous and I know it.
When I curl up in bed, I start thinking. And thinking. My brain goes to the whore and I can't stop wondering and thinking and then dreaming up revenge schemes and imagining all the joys she's getting to experience. I feel like if she's happy, I can't be. How stupid is that?
Why does one person's happiness depreciate the value of another's? Why do I feel like it would be a betrayal to be happy and find joy of my own just because she's not miserable? Why would I even correlate her happiness with mine? We don't even exist in the same dimension, really. So what the heck?
I guess I should go back into IC. These are things a counselor could flesh out with me better than I can do on my own. I've also started back up with my vitamin D again, which tends to even out a lot of anxiety and sleep issues. We'll see.
It'd be really nice if my emotional side would catch up with my logical side. Logically, I know that the affair had nothing to do with me. Logically, I know my husband has committed himself to me and is giving his everything to our marriage. Logically, I know that OW has no place in my thoughts and certainly doesn't have a place in H's thoughts. I know that it doesn't matter that her birthday is this month and I know that what happened two years ago isn't what is happening now.
So why the anxiety? The nightmares? The frustration and the fear and the hate?
Ugh. SERIOUSLY. Skankalottawhore isn't worth this stress.
Replies
God how horrible for you. I know what it is like to get stuck in that obsessive thinking pattern at bedtime. You are right, logical thinking doesn\'t help.
You may have already tried this.. but I found that taking Stilnox (sleeping pill designed to just shut down the mind..not make you drowsy) plus doing some rituals around bedtime to replace the bad habit thinking helps me...ie some nice smelling oil on your pillow, a hot water bottle to cuddle, read some old cards that have loving messages to you before you go to bed so that nurturing messages are entering your head, patting an animal etc ..anything that feels soothing to you.
If you do these things every night they not only act to calm the child part of your brain that needs soothing (super important as we all have this primal need), but also creates a new neuro pattern in the brain. They say it takes 15-20 times of repeating a ritual to create a new neuro pathway/new thought process in your brain . You actually can\'t \'stop\' thinking, only create new thinking.
What you have sounds like ptsd. Obsessive compulsive thinking or behavior is the reenactment of the feeling of trauma.
Also, latest research shows that to ignite the sleep phase pattern, it is really important to only go to bed when you are in the sleepy phase (can\'t keep your eyes open). Watch tv, read a boring book, knit or some passive activity until you start to feel really drowsy..go directly to bed when you feel this without stopping to do anything along the way.as even the smallest activity will wake you up and the next sleepy phase may not come again for several hours. You can train your brain to sleep again by creating a pattern of sleeping when your brain is already prepared for Ie when it has entered that sleepy phase.
I hope this shifts for you because you will become irrational and frazzled on so many levels if you don\'t stop this...believe me , I\'ve been there.
Here\'s wishing you Good luck :)))