Sitting on the fence
Last week a friend of my husband's called me. He needed some traps for hunting that are here at the condo and instead of my husband coming and getting them, he gave Mike my cell phone. Mike has been a friend of Jeff's for many years and a friend of mine through Jeff. They have been hunting buddies and Jeff belongs to the Hunt Club that Mike founded. Upon his call Mike started talking to me about our circumstance. To make a long story short, he validated my feelings that what Jeff has done is wrong. He told Jeff he wants to talk to him about it, that he doesn't feel like he's been a good friend to him when he needed someone the most and he wants to see where his head and heart are at. He also told him that although he doesn't plan on beating him up about it, he plans on telling him what he needs to hear, not what he wants to hear. He and Jeff are meeting on Tuesday for this talk. If this talk takes place, Mike will be the only one (outside of me and the kids) who has the guts to call Jeff out on what the hell he's done. Everyone else is just letting him get on with his life like we never existed. His new friends and family haven't forced him to face what he's done. Mike will. Mike and his wife went through something similar 7 years ago. They were seperated for 6 months before Mike took a good hard look at himself and owned up to his part in the breakdown of his marriage. He and his wife are now very happily married. He feels that Jeff has not owned up to his part in our marriage falling apart and is running away from all his problems. Mike also feels very strongly that after our Bankruptcy and Foreclosure that Jeff feels like he has failed his family and instead of facing this, he bailed. He plans on talking to Jeff about this too. Mike and his wife offered to sit and talk with me about all this. They are very spiritual and just want to help me deal with the heartache. I told him that I would feel like I was betraying Jeff by talking to him because although we've been friends too, he is really Jeffs friend and not mine. He said to me, "Chrissy, Jeff knows me and he knew the minute he gave me your phone number that I would be talking to you about this". The thing is, the fact that Mike feels Jeff is in the wrong and is willing to "call him out on it" gives me hope again. I don't want hope again. I've gotten over the hope stage. But along with that, Jeff still hasn't given me his proposal to counter his spousal support offer and I asked for it over 3 weeks ago. This makes me wonder why. I've concluded that there could be 3 reasons for this...... 1. He's having second thoughts and maybe he's willing to talk to Mike to get his head straight. 2. He's been too busy at work (which is very true) but all this takes is a few minutes. 3. I'm just not important enough for him to take the time out of his life to get this done. Thus - I am sitting on the fence. I don't know what is happening here and I don't want to push Jeff for the proposal because I think I'm trying to delay this divorce as long as possible hoping he'll reconsider. Now along with that, I truly don't know if I would take him back if he wanted to come back. So much has happened in the last 5 months that I don't know if I could ever trust him again. I know he's been "talking" to another woman and she does work for his company. This would bother me every day. He's ripped my heart out and I would worry and wait for the next time he would do this. This too would bother me every day. I know I could forgive him for his mistakes and bad decisions (as we all make them) but I don't know if I could find it within myself to trust him even if he was sincerely apologetic and willing to make our marriage work. I know it would take a lot of daily groveling and reassurance from him in order for me to get over this and quite frankly I don't see him being able to do this. So as I said, I am sitting on the fence. I find myself thinking about this every waking minute. Ever since Mike's phone call to me. There is a real possibility that Jeff will tell Mike that he just doesn't love me anymore, no feelings what-so-ever, and he hasn't for a long time. He also might tell Mike that he's fallen in love with someone else and just hasn't had the nerve to be straight up about it. Or he might tell Mike that he is having second thoughts about divorcing me and doesn't know how to fix it. I just don't know what is happening and it's causing me to hang on to that thread of hope again. I'm not going to have a sit down talk with Mike and his wife, but I am going to ask Mike to tell Jeff that if he's having second thoughts he better speak up about it because he is truly losing me for good. And I'm also going to ask Mike to tell Jeff that if he plans on still going through with this divorce, then have enough respect for me to get it started no matter what it takes. Leaving me hanging is not fair and he's caused enough damage in my life already. If he still wants a divorce, then I want this over and done with so I can truly get on with my life. Then once and for all that thread of hope will be severed and I can get off this damned fence.
Replies
First of all, don\'t give the traps out - no matter what. Let em suffer a bit for their sport. I would avoid at all costs have someone else intervene - so I think you need to say those things yourself to Jeff. it sucks having to be the one to do it -= but it\'s your life - your marriage.
this is sooooooo hard...i really can understand why you feel the way you do. i am having a hard time moving on and if i had hope i would be thrilled. i wish it wasnt true but i cant lie. i just dont want you to set yourself up for more heartache. i hate this we dont deserve it!!
Chrissy, there is no marriage if there is no trust. I think you have to evaluate what you want to do. From what you\'ve written in the past, he\'s not been good to you for a long time. One thing my counselor told me to do is to make a list of what I am looking for in a husband. And if my X should ever come back (which is has numerous times now) to compare him to that list. He has never stacked up again. And it\'s not about being perfect, but things I will no longer live without. And on top of that, even if he wants reconciliation, you need to have your head screwed on straight, maybe that he get counseling, date you again, etc. A separation that is monogomous. However, I hear doubt of trust in your writing. This is hard, and I know you want hope. Just make sure your head is guarding your heart and that you do it right. Like Mike and his wife. And one more thing, is Jeff spiritual? Because without a commitment with God, I don\'t see it working either. That is the key. I have friends that are marriage counselors and they said that without God, the percentage of marriages sticking together is amazingly low but with God the center of the relationship, it is only 1 in 100 that end up divorced. That is a much better statistic than the national average. Hugs to you my friend. Love ya.
Chrissy, my heart goes out to you. I have been in that limbo. When my ex had his affair, wanted a divorce, etc., three of our very good friends (one who is a deacon at our church) called him out on his behavior and told him that what he was doing to his family was beyond wrong. Unfortunately, my ex thinks he is never wrong, that I\'m all to blame and wouldn\'t listen at all. All 3 came back to me and said that they don\'t know what had snapped in his head, but he wasn\'t the person they once knew. I\'m glad someone talked straight to him, but it didn\'t change a thing for us---that broke my heart, but at least he heard from our great, level headed friends that this was not all my fault. Interesting enough, they have all kind of washed their hands of him and his new family. In a sense it gave me validation and comfort to know that no matter what my ex said, it wasn\'t always me and others could see that too.
I pray that there is hope for your future with him and I know that God has to have the leading role in it. The trust issue was so hard for me after I took him back after his first affair, he will need to grovel for a long time and do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to restore your trust, if you decide it is what you want. You are in my thoughts and prayers, ask God to open your eyes to see things clearly and help you to know the right path for you to take. Love to you friend.
hope it works out soon!
Chrissy, I have been back and forth on this subject for way to long now. I have to force myself to look at the way he acts, not the things he says! Does he act like he loves you? Does he act like he wants a reconciliation? Does he show you any concern at all? I don\'t want this to sound cruel! I am working through this as well!
Just a week ago, a dear friend of mine called me and said he husband spoke with my STBX and that he sounded remorseful and confused! That all got me thinking these same damn thoughts and has put me in a place of uncertainty! But, I decided that I needed to approach this the same way I am trying to convince my son that it is over and that is by asking myself about his actions towards me! He does NOT act like loves me or even like he likes me! He is so indifferent to me! He has avoided telling me about money, as well! He agreed to child support, but I haven\'t seen 1 cent. He thinks spousal support is ridiculous and I can\'t get a decision from him! I do not think this is because he is confused! I believe it is because he is avoiding everything, just as he has all along!
All of this getting hopes up and down is stressful and exhausting and hurts like hell! We can not heal this way! I believe they try to save their reputation and ACT like they care and are remorseful to friends, but actions towards us is what speaks volumes! I tell myself I would not take him back for the same reasons, but everytime I get that damn glimmer of hope, I jump on it!!! I do think we long for what we had! I honestly don\'t know and do not like who he is now! I hope none of us settle because we deserve so much more...no matter how much it hurts!
If he wanted to work this out, wouldn\'t he contact you instead of going through a mutual friend? I do not want to see you get hurt any more! Please hang in there and know I care! I wish the best for you!
Sending you many hugs!!!
Its nice that Mike thinks his personal experience might be helpful for Jeff. But Jeff has probably made an opinion about Mike\'s situation. As in, I can\'t do what Mike did. That\'s okay. It sucks. But he has a right to screw up.
I\'m still having trouble with walking away after investing so much time as I think you are too. And the guys\' excuse of \"it hasn\'t been good in years\" is a crock. So that makes is okay to just walk away? As Mike and his wife will tell you it matters what you do TODAY and your commitment to the future. Can\'t change the past. Can only change the future. Mike and his wife figured it out.
That being said, hope is a wonderful thing. But hoping that someone is going to see the light isn\'t hope. Its wishful thinking. I\'ve been doing the exact same thing. I\'ve been wishing my husband would have a Mike moment. Not likely.
I know it is difficult but please don\'t let this run over and over through your head until Tuesday. Focus on yourself. It was good to read that you have some guidelines in mind if the relationship could work. What are your goals and dreams for when he sends back the spousal support offer? What\'s next for you? What does the other side of the fence look like? If you guys work it out or not - what is next for you?
Take care. You are in my prayers!
Oh sweetie I am so sorry you are being put in this postion. I am praying for you that God can help you getthrough this. It is not only if he wants you it is really do you want him ? So get down off that fense it is not his choice if he wants you , it is your choice. It is not easy, there are alot of issues that you would have to over come. First and for most is trust, with out trust you will never have a truley loving marriage. Second is for givness with out the 2 of these things it will end up in the same place .
Sorry I just wanted you to look at the whole picture and you dont give yourself enough credit. Yes it is his option if he wanted to give it one last try . But ultimately it is up to you . I am praying for you and that if it is meant to be that God helps you and your H and will help you both heal and make your marriage strong. If it is not what you need that god help you heal and move forward with you life. You are beautiful inside and out and you are intitled to be happy and above all loved.
A big hug to you
I love ya Chrissy
Chrissy, I know how confused you must be feeling right now, but as in all that we are going through, time will tell. Has your stbx showed you any signs of change? Have you talked to him about this? I think it\'s something that would or should be discussed between the two of you. Your friend may feel the need to talk to your stbx, but do you really think that it will change anything?
I hope that you\'re not just crasping at straws about this. You deserve so much more then you\'ve gotten. I do however know what we can give for love. And what we think we can take to keep it. Try not to put too much thought into this or you may find yourself hurt again.
There is nothing more that I wish for you then a stable and happy life. Stay focused on your quest - stay on that side of the fence for now. Let the chips fall where they may. I\'ve been back and forth like you for the best part of my life. What I have learned is how important it is for you to decide what\'s good for you - not anyone else.
Wishing you strength and guidance on your road to peace and happiness. Your friend.
Hi,you are as confused as me. I too dont have any signs he has regretted his decision to end our marriage. And he also has not started proceedings. So I wonder if he wants this why not. I know I should file and go forward. I dont know why I still want him when he has proved he doesnt want me. I did not feel this way when he was with me and now I do so that has also confused me. We both haved to try to find what is goog for us,.