Sinking back in
I do wonder why it is so incredibly easy for me to become frustrated and overwhelmed? I think a big part of it is this depression I do struggle with... Sometimes I feel like every little thing is too much to handle. Couple that with the fact I have become more aware of his pattern of convincing me that whatever the problem, it must be because I did something wrong or am too dumb to understand. Today there were several times I was accused of overreacting right away... The thing is , I did react after getting a frustrated annoyed reaction from him. His comment is always... I didn't say a word, but he did and the facial gestures and reactions (after 17 years) are easy to read.
It is funny though. He is completely content and oblivious and nothing phases him. As all goes wrong (things in disrepair , debt still there and now my medical bills building since the new plan has bigger co pays and I am dealing with specialists and PT) he has no cares in the world. I was the one to worry and see to it all. But I have had enough. I want to just walk away... not have to worry about putting more $ I will have to get from my 401k to put into fixing the house to sell. (They say just declare bankruptcy and start over. I am not sure how that would work. In the past, anytime any kind of aid was required, I had to turn over every blasted cent I had first. I am thinking I will forfeit my 401k and ESOP. So, in essence I will have to just suck it up and deal with it and lose what I have worked to save ... AGAIN.
Thinking about all this, once again, the tears are streaming down my face and I can feel myself sinking back into the depression even further.
PS. I know, I am supposed to stay strong and positive, but as things plummetted, I grabbed a couple of tastykakes and Burger King for dinner. so am beating myself up for screwing up and not caring about the diet and progress I have been making. Still doing the PT and stretches, but not bothered with the bike last 2 days. Saw some pix from 2 years ago. I was probably 20 lbs lighter. Just feeling fat, ugly and stuck .
Wherever I go , I try to do the best I can do and , for the most part, feel pretty good and competent. Try to put on the happy face (though some friends are aware of my struggles lately growing worse. both physically and emotionally) I do try to hide behind my humor and continue to reach out and connect with others (especially at work as it is expected)
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You hang in there Kim. Don't let him drag you down. Do what you must for you because it's apparent he doesn't care. Keep up the PT and pay what you can to those you owe.. most places will work with you. Depression is a butt kicker but, kick it right back.
Him accusing you of overreacting doesn’t mean it’s true. He can’t convince you that you are dumb unless you believe you are. I guess I’m saying is try not to give his reaction to you or lack of reaction or his comments so much power over you. It’s hard to do that I do know but really his reactions and what not are really about him. But I know how it can just be so wearing, especially if you feel like depression is at play. Please see someone for that. I think it would help you.
Right now it is a sellers market. at least in my area. We just sold our 100 year old house w/in 24 hrs of listing it and we were offered $10,000 more than we listed it for. It is a nice house and the roof was only 3 years old but it had a 20 year old furnace, some rotting wood in places, some water issues the basement and some other things that we didn’t fix before listing. So if you are serious about selling the house you may want to contact a realtor and see what it would take on your part to sell at a fair price but where you aren’t losing your shirt.
Quit beating yourself up now. Be kind to yourself please. I’ve done that where I look at pictures of myself and think, UGH, but honestly, no one is harder on us than us, and seeing ourselves when we are not in a good place just makes it seems that much more UGH.
You are ok. You are ok.
Thank you both. As far as the depression growing worse--- I did already speak to my physician last visit and had her increase my meds (Bad news is she just left, I saw another woman who was very nice, but she is also moving. I have a follow up in two weeks with the main Doctor in the practice who noone really cares for but I will deal with that. ) Had I not done that already, right now I would be even worse.
As far as giving him so much power over me--- that is something I have always done. For many years it was my alcohol and drug addicted kid brother, now it is my dysfunctional stbx. My first instinct is to withdraw , cry and take it all to heart. Given some time to think, I realize they are again controlling and beating me down. (Then the frustration with myself for letting them do it again... augh!) I believe I need a gentle head slap when these things happen to remind me to take a breath and tell them to fuck off (pardon my mouth)
I do have to get back to feeling better and working on myself again. I am not happy about the extra weight, but instead of getting my butt on my bike, I turned to the ice cream. (which temporarily fixed me up... til reality set back in) @rmb--- you are so right. Noone is harder on us than ourselves. Thanks so much for the kind words of encouragement. I needed that. :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4w4DFsw0N-c
A good “fuck off” does not require pardon :) I couldn’t have said it better myself. Big hug!
Hi Kim, don't listen to his ****. One day we will both escape this hell. Hang in there, I understand what you mean, depression is just so so awful. I am sending you a big hug dear friend.