sinking

I don't even know what to say.  I know why I'm feeling the way I am.  I'm frustrated, annoyed, anxious, helpless, afraid, not hopeless yet but afraid that I will be if certain things don't turn out.
 
I called 2 ppl, today, one doctor that the office called back after he'd left for the day and the other director of a program I'm interested in.  The stupid dermatomyositis has me so fatigued I can't do the program (9-4) so I wanted to talk to her and see if we could work something out.  And I really wanted to know today, so I won't be worrying about it all weekend, and if she says no - that's when I'm gonna start feeling hopeless.
 
I cut today.  It had been a month and 5 days.  And I barely cut at all - I didn't let myself do as much as I wanted/needed, I restrained myself, so it barely helped cuz I didn't cut enough.
 
I'm clearly getting more depressed.  I have no appetite, but I'm eating cuz I'm making myself eat.  I'm just spiraling downward at the moment.  Oh, and I fell in the kitchen again. 
 
They say when you hit rock bottom, that's when Jesus lifts you out.  Have I hit it yet?  What do I have to do to get there and get back up again?