sinking
I don't even know what to say. I know why I'm feeling the way I am. I'm frustrated, annoyed, anxious, helpless, afraid, not hopeless yet but afraid that I will be if certain things don't turn out.
I called 2 ppl, today, one doctor that the office called back after he'd left for the day and the other director of a program I'm interested in. The stupid dermatomyositis has me so fatigued I can't do the program (9-4) so I wanted to talk to her and see if we could work something out. And I really wanted to know today, so I won't be worrying about it all weekend, and if she says no - that's when I'm gonna start feeling hopeless.
I cut today. It had been a month and 5 days. And I barely cut at all - I didn't let myself do as much as I wanted/needed, I restrained myself, so it barely helped cuz I didn't cut enough.
I'm clearly getting more depressed. I have no appetite, but I'm eating cuz I'm making myself eat. I'm just spiraling downward at the moment. Oh, and I fell in the kitchen again.
They say when you hit rock bottom, that's when Jesus lifts you out. Have I hit it yet? What do I have to do to get there and get back up again?
I called 2 ppl, today, one doctor that the office called back after he'd left for the day and the other director of a program I'm interested in. The stupid dermatomyositis has me so fatigued I can't do the program (9-4) so I wanted to talk to her and see if we could work something out. And I really wanted to know today, so I won't be worrying about it all weekend, and if she says no - that's when I'm gonna start feeling hopeless.
I cut today. It had been a month and 5 days. And I barely cut at all - I didn't let myself do as much as I wanted/needed, I restrained myself, so it barely helped cuz I didn't cut enough.
I'm clearly getting more depressed. I have no appetite, but I'm eating cuz I'm making myself eat. I'm just spiraling downward at the moment. Oh, and I fell in the kitchen again.
They say when you hit rock bottom, that's when Jesus lifts you out. Have I hit it yet? What do I have to do to get there and get back up again?
Replies
I\'m sorry you caved in, and it wasn\'t enough. I guess I should have stayed in chat longer. I will be praying for you. That is all I can do from here.
Please don\'t ever feel responsible for my self-harm, or anyone else\'s on here. We are fully responsible for our behavior and need to use the resources we have. there always is an alternative. When we blame other people for our behavior it\'s a downward spiral. I found myself thinking that way yesterday - not towards you or anyone who talked to me yesterday to help me - but to the people that didn\'t call me back. I was thinking \"It\'s their fault I\'m feeling this way.\". I can\'t let myself blame others for my actions.