Since I was almost 8 years old...
We were two peas in a pod. My family split apart then and I am a fixer. I became mom's friend as well as her daughter. Funny it was that age because she left us when my daughter was a little bit past 8 years of age. When my parents split we moved from Chicago to come back to family. They took us in and coccooned us and got Mom back on her feet. They helped her to raise my brother and I so we never had to feel like we were on our own in the world. Now Mom and her Dad are gone. Mom's mom is 92 and losing her fight with dementia. She's terrified and angry almost all the time now. They had to medicate her when we visited last because she got so agitated. While I do still have my husband and son, It's me and Josie now. There's no one to take us in if I can't make this work. We don't have a family that would or could do that now. I am the oldest female in the family, who is functioning now, and the men just don't do it. I can't begin to describe how that feels. I am really struggling with it and can't seem to get past it. My best friend is gone. She "lives" in a little box in a hole about a quarter of a mile away. I can't touch her and she can't hold me. I have never felt so alone in all my life. Not even when I was in some very bad places doing some very bad things. She was there. In my heart, but she also could be reached out to and she could pull me away from all of it. That can't happen now. I do believe she can see my pain and I don't think she wants me to be in pain. She won't visit me, or maybe I just can't see it yet. I am fighting hard to not just withdraw from everyone and everything. I don't know if you could say I am winning that battle though.
I will be rotating off the vestry at my Church this January. I will help choose a replacement, and since my Church is in a great upheaval now, it won't be an easy task. As soon as that is done, I hope to continue to serve as the Nursery coordinator. I don't know that I will remain active in any other capacity though. I am struggling with the fact that while my Church family says they want to stay together, they REFUSE to do whatever it takes to make that happen. My womens group are mainly in their mid 60s and above. They have been running the show for way too long and have earned a rest. They holler about the young women not stepping up to do the work and when we do try, and we try often, they won't accept ideas or help on any level. I don't assume this is a unique situation, but I am tired of fighting. There is only one Full time priest in our Diocese and he is DYNAMIC, but tired and his health isn't what it was when he came to us. He and a few retired clergy are running the show along with lLay ministers. We are still having 3 services a Sunday during the school year along with Sunday school for all parishoners, and we increase it to 4 services during the summer! We can't continue like this and collectively we recognise this to be true and we all think it's too much but no one wants to accept that we need to pull together instead of being fragmented like this. We aren't going to survive another year at this pace. This makes me monumentally sad and I don't know that I can find the strength to keep my mouth shut so I may have to leave alltogether and join another denomonation.
I keep praying.
I will be rotating off the vestry at my Church this January. I will help choose a replacement, and since my Church is in a great upheaval now, it won't be an easy task. As soon as that is done, I hope to continue to serve as the Nursery coordinator. I don't know that I will remain active in any other capacity though. I am struggling with the fact that while my Church family says they want to stay together, they REFUSE to do whatever it takes to make that happen. My womens group are mainly in their mid 60s and above. They have been running the show for way too long and have earned a rest. They holler about the young women not stepping up to do the work and when we do try, and we try often, they won't accept ideas or help on any level. I don't assume this is a unique situation, but I am tired of fighting. There is only one Full time priest in our Diocese and he is DYNAMIC, but tired and his health isn't what it was when he came to us. He and a few retired clergy are running the show along with lLay ministers. We are still having 3 services a Sunday during the school year along with Sunday school for all parishoners, and we increase it to 4 services during the summer! We can't continue like this and collectively we recognise this to be true and we all think it's too much but no one wants to accept that we need to pull together instead of being fragmented like this. We aren't going to survive another year at this pace. This makes me monumentally sad and I don't know that I can find the strength to keep my mouth shut so I may have to leave alltogether and join another denomonation.
I keep praying.
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