Signs of Depression
Today I was showing some signs of depression. I was super tired this morning when I woke up, and so I went back to sleep and slept until 2:30pm (14 hours). I was sluggish all day, I didn't want to go for my walk (but did so anyway) and I've had a headache for days. When I was a kid, that's how I knew depression was coming- I had headaches. I'm just hoping I can go to work tomorrow. I feel like crap knowing that I'm not helping them, and it's not fun. Besides, I want to make friends with people from work, and I can't do that if I'm not there. I know people there care about me. It's why I want to work there so much. I know that it's a caring environment. I just have to keep my application for when I know I can be there on a consistent basis. I might take a temp job there, but nothing permanent for now. I don't know how I'm going to react come winter. I think I need another year to see how I'm going to be. It sucks that I need that time, but I don't want to jeopardize my chances at a job later on. I need to get my depression under control.
I know part of the things that screwed me this year was trying to taper my meds. I've never tried that, and I did it wrong and ended up in the hospital. Just because I did it wrong doesn't mean that I'm going to try it again. I know I need my pills now, and I just have to live with that knowledge. That's a big burden for me to carry, since I can't have a child on my meds. Not like Geo and I are ready to be parents or anything, but it's something that I would like to do someday. I would love to be a good mommy, but I don't know if I can with the bipolar. I know it takes a lot to be a good parent, and it's much different when you have to deal with your kids all the time. I used to babysit a lot, and it was hard, but I also got to hand the kids off to their parents when my time there was done. That's not something I would be able to do if it was my kid.
Not only that, but I'm scared to pass on my bipolar to my kid. I know how hard it is growing up with depression and stuff. I wouldn't want to put my kid through that. Hopefully, though, I would be able to give them a more stable childhood than the one I had. Still, I would have to be off my meds since they cause birth defects. I don't know if in a couple years I would be stable enough to be keeping down a steady job and could afford to have a kid. I heard on the news one day that there was a woman who had schizoaffective bipolar disorder (what I have- bipolar and schizophrenia) who they wanted to force her to get an abortion since she was becoming a danger to herself by not taking her meds. I don't know what happened to her, but it made me angry. Why would someone force an abortion on someone who might not even need it? It's one thing to want an abortion yourself, but the woman wanted to have the kid. It pissed me off.
Mood today was okay. I'm fighting off depression, but I think I can get better at it. I went for my walk and I did feel better afterward. It's nice to have a clean house, but I think that the kitchen needs more work. There are dishes everywhere that need a place to go when we don't have a place for them. The room is still looking okay... I had to dig in the closet to get out my workout clothes. I went for my walk in the rain, and it was nice. It was a cool rain, so I wasn't sweating or anything. I did get my heart rate up, but it was a cool day. I have been hallucinating a bit today... there have been imaginary bugs on me today. It doesn't help that there are ants everywhere, so I don't know if it's really a bug or not. Most of the time, though, when I look there's nothing there and the feeling goes away.
Food today was good.. I was in the low end of my calorie range. I'm still kinda hungry, but I don't want anything crazy. I might make myself a turkey sandwich or something. Get that protein in, you know? I don't want to have too much, though, and go over my calories again. I've been eating too much. Last night I ate an entire box of barbecue wings. That's not good for me. I weighed in today at 214 when my last weigh in was 212. Not all of that was because of the wings, but I'm sure some of it was. I just haven't been eating healthy lately. I'm trying to get back on track today. Tomorrow I should be good even if I go to work. I've been eating a lot of the soups that they have at work, and if not that, then veggies or something.
I know part of the things that screwed me this year was trying to taper my meds. I've never tried that, and I did it wrong and ended up in the hospital. Just because I did it wrong doesn't mean that I'm going to try it again. I know I need my pills now, and I just have to live with that knowledge. That's a big burden for me to carry, since I can't have a child on my meds. Not like Geo and I are ready to be parents or anything, but it's something that I would like to do someday. I would love to be a good mommy, but I don't know if I can with the bipolar. I know it takes a lot to be a good parent, and it's much different when you have to deal with your kids all the time. I used to babysit a lot, and it was hard, but I also got to hand the kids off to their parents when my time there was done. That's not something I would be able to do if it was my kid.
Not only that, but I'm scared to pass on my bipolar to my kid. I know how hard it is growing up with depression and stuff. I wouldn't want to put my kid through that. Hopefully, though, I would be able to give them a more stable childhood than the one I had. Still, I would have to be off my meds since they cause birth defects. I don't know if in a couple years I would be stable enough to be keeping down a steady job and could afford to have a kid. I heard on the news one day that there was a woman who had schizoaffective bipolar disorder (what I have- bipolar and schizophrenia) who they wanted to force her to get an abortion since she was becoming a danger to herself by not taking her meds. I don't know what happened to her, but it made me angry. Why would someone force an abortion on someone who might not even need it? It's one thing to want an abortion yourself, but the woman wanted to have the kid. It pissed me off.
Mood today was okay. I'm fighting off depression, but I think I can get better at it. I went for my walk and I did feel better afterward. It's nice to have a clean house, but I think that the kitchen needs more work. There are dishes everywhere that need a place to go when we don't have a place for them. The room is still looking okay... I had to dig in the closet to get out my workout clothes. I went for my walk in the rain, and it was nice. It was a cool rain, so I wasn't sweating or anything. I did get my heart rate up, but it was a cool day. I have been hallucinating a bit today... there have been imaginary bugs on me today. It doesn't help that there are ants everywhere, so I don't know if it's really a bug or not. Most of the time, though, when I look there's nothing there and the feeling goes away.
Food today was good.. I was in the low end of my calorie range. I'm still kinda hungry, but I don't want anything crazy. I might make myself a turkey sandwich or something. Get that protein in, you know? I don't want to have too much, though, and go over my calories again. I've been eating too much. Last night I ate an entire box of barbecue wings. That's not good for me. I weighed in today at 214 when my last weigh in was 212. Not all of that was because of the wings, but I'm sure some of it was. I just haven't been eating healthy lately. I'm trying to get back on track today. Tomorrow I should be good even if I go to work. I've been eating a lot of the soups that they have at work, and if not that, then veggies or something.
Replies
Hang tough my friend! Hopefully you can escape the depression!
HUGS!