Sighhh....

Was heading to Arizona for vacation but like everything in my life it got complicated. will not be traveling will stay hear and just work till I die . really depressed tonight not just because of that but because I am so fucking alone and sadness and depression seem to be part of me it fucking never leaves. ! Lately  I am feeling more uncomfortable  around people in general. It  is mostly because I been so alone for so long. I mean I do not go anywhere except work I don't have a car to go out. I am mostly a home body mostly due to the corona virus last year isolation. Now though that people are heading out again,and our mask mandate has lifted in some places in my county I use to want t go out even if I had to take a lift,or uber,or taxi, Now though I feel very anxious meeting and greeting people  which we have to do at my work it is required you know,but I try to make it as short as possible the interaction. I guess I am afraid if people  get to know me they will find something wrong with me,or I say something stupid and they will not like me,or even worst insult me, worst yet yell at me that I am a freak .  I have been alone  I mean seriously  have not socialized with any one friends or members of the opposite sex  since 2010 since my ex and I seperated. I thought eventually in a couple of years from then I would go back out socalize maybe meet someone  new,but alas 2011,2012,2013,2014, all came and gone now it is 2021, and I find myself more alone then I ever been with just interaction with my kids. family, and the occasional  guest  interaction at work I have no  solid friends  postively no significent  other and  like I said I am finding that I am scared of people I don't want to interact with any one, I do not want to try my luck again at those stupid online dating apps ,I don't want to be around any one I can hardly stand to be around my family now to I feel like I just do  not belong anywhere and I think I would rather be a hermit  I do  not want to  deal with any people at all because I  feel like they will cause me  pain,they are judgement,they are anger,they are inssulting and they are hurtfull.Also  when I get really frustrated,and sad I so badily want to cry to get it out...but  I can't even cry no more it just leaves me  with this hugh migrane, lumps in my throat, a upset stomach but no tears. If I want to cry I have to put on sad music just so I can fucking cry!  I hate  my life and it seems like nothing will change.