Sigh* No longer explaining DDD

Today I had a phone conversation with an old friend. She and I will be attending a bible study in the fall. I had been a member of this study many years prior to my surgeries and it is with much trepidation I return. I know each day is a gift from God. I believe I am to return and don't much want to enter the fray. DDD has changed me. I'm no longer the outgoing, social and helpful person I was. I am almost a recluse by choice. Oh, I can go out, enjoy a meal with friends for a short time, converse with others on many topics but my heart craves what hippyone calls my nest. With good reason, I want silence and solitude now. I am still healing and must remember that. I'm almost at eight months since the cervical surgery so what I feel now will be my lot in life. I'm at sixteen months of a 24 month healing time since the fusion. I am still experiencing days of pain beyond what I can control with a heating pad. No answers are forthcoming from exrays so here again, this is my life. I was made no promises save for an 85% recovery. I'm living the 15% and must switch my thoughts to the 85%. I have to find hope in the progress, not see the change from who I was as a definition of myself. 
In speaking with others, I realize now that no one DDD patient is the same. We each come to the table with unique qualities based on our experiences physically and mentally. No one without this condition can ever hope to understand it if we do not fully understand it ourselves. Oh I wish we could get together, encourage each other personally and find hope and care in the experiences shared. My old friend thinks I can go for lunch after a two hour session in the study, every week. Due to financial issues related to the many surgeries, plus the idea of socializing when neurologically overwhelmed by the crowds, the chairs, and the drive itself, this may prove to be impossible. I tried to warn her but her response was that we could picnic under a tree instead. I almost burst a vessel laughing in my head. I politely told her that would be impossible. What on earth is she thinking? She focused on one aspect of my concerns. Note to self: keep it to yourself. No one will ever understand DDD on a daily basis. There is no norm, no gauge, no rhyme or rhythm to how each day will be. 
I submit. I can do nothing else but. God help me. Heal my angry heart when others do not understand why I can't do what they want me to. Heal my pride when I think I can do it and fail. Heal my body as you see fit to do so and give me patience to wait on your timing. Let me see you in the recovery, in the sunshine that rises when I can't sleep, in the comfort of my dog though he makes messes in my happy place; in my family when I raise my voice out of pique and discomfort, and in my home where I am pushing at the walls that close in. 
I am the type to run scenarios in my head...none of which ever come to fruition. Let me be able to respond with a gentle voice to answer as to why I cannot be what others want me to be. I am Darlene. I have DDD but it doesn't define me. I am much more than that.