SIGH
Happy Friday - we are on "days off" count down here - December 19th last day until January 7th - blessing to be working for the school district.
Hunter turned 18 last Sunday - he spent Saturday night with us and then Sunday we went to a brunch @ one of the casinos close and @ 18 he could gamble - so $20.00 was spent on the slot machines and he quickly realized that he needed more than $20.00 to "win" lol....anyway it was a fun time with him. He put the rest of the birthday money in his bank account so as to not spend it right away - I am proud of him.
In saying all of that - I am feeling sad again, like I have lost Hunter. I know in my head, I have not, but what I realized is that with him turning 18, he is an adult now.......at least by age......things are different now........there is no umbrella to protect him if he makes a bad choice - he will be treated as an adult......I feel sad, incredibly sad......I feel as if the innocense of Hunter is gone and this Yahya is in a different place now, once again. I'm really feeling my age, I guess, reminding myself as my mother when she would say to me - sometimes I feel so lonely - my friends all have young kids, adult kids living @ home or young grandkids....that part of my life is over - I just feel sad.....
I hope you all understand what I'm saying - I miss my daughter - I miss the excitement of "little ones" and I feel old and my life is so different now - is this what retirement will look like?
Sending hugs and love - Vicki, always Jennifer's mom
Replies
Vicki, I understand completely. I feel like life has passed me by in some ways. My grief counselor told me that when a child passes the parent may feel like their future has passed with them. She said that Ed's kids wouldn't feel that way because they will marry, have children & their children will be their future. And she was exactly right. Josh & Christina miss their Dad but they are so busy with their spouses and children. They are very focused on their young lives and rightly so. My grief counselor said while I may feel my future passed with Ed, I can make my future count. I've been trying hard to do that - to reinvent myself & it's ok most of the time but I feel like sometimes we FMO moms just get tired. Just breathe and know you are loved and valued by Hunter, your kids at school, by me and so many. As my grandchildren got older, I didn't lose them but our relationship has evolved. Your relationship with Hunter will change & evolve but it will still be good. ♡
Happy birthday to Hunter! Love to you and dearest Jennifer, Linda
Oh my dear Vicki. I understand only too well. The law says you are an adult at 18 but it doesn't always work that way. Lisa and Cevyn screwed up more when they were 18 - 19. Luckily they grew up more or less unscathed. Hopefully Hunter will have done all his wild stuff already! I understand the loss of innocence and the feeling of aging. I am much older than you but I don't think numbers of years is the issue. It is the losses, stress and worry that is the issue.
I had a few days around Lisa's angelversary when I was a wreck. i too miss my daughter and best friend. This time of year brings wonderful memories, and then the realization, yet again, that there are no new memories to be made = with Lisa. I hope Lisa and Jennifer really are having the time of their new lives.
This time of year really sucks.
Wishing you and Hunter love and peace.
Tight hugs to Jennifer's mom from Lisa's mom
Thank you Linda and Marlene! Your words were just what i needed. Its a blessing to me to know i am not alone.
With tears in my eyes, thank you.
Vicki
Life is full of change that is always happening and loss too. For those of us who have lost our children I sense that all the protective armor has been melted away and everything reminds us of what we have lost. Hunter growing up as he is without his mom without your daughter touches those tender places with laser like precision, I know. I'm with you, Vicki, and yes, you are NOT alone. Deepest of sighs...
May you discover new ways to connect and to BE in this ever changing life we each find ourselves in and I must tell you that retirement is nothing to fear, yet something to embrace. Everyone enters into it with a different mind set, yet the one constant is being able to be the "master and commander" of your time and that alone is such a gift. You can pick and choose how you want to gift your time to yourself and to others and I have really adored that aspect. No more "Sunday" feeling with Monday looming and enjoying my morning coffee watching the sunrise without having to get up to shower and begin my day before my body, mind and spirit feel "ready" to. Some very long, lazy mornings and other times up and at 'em. I have a sense you will enjoy "your" time immensely. :)
Tight heartfelt (((hugs))) to Jennifer's mom from Douglas and me and he is the best bear (((hugger))) ever!
Loving care dearest Vicki,
XO Joanie
I have heard it said that the hardest thing about raising a child is to learn to let them grow up and gradually let go. I know you didn’t raise Hunter but you raised his mom, she grew up and then you lost her completely. Now that Hunter is 18 I am sure you realized just how fast all those years went by with Jennifer and now you are feeling again with Hunter officially out of childhood. Vicki, I am only surmising what may be happening because I have no grandchildren of my own. I also remember being on the cusp of things changing when my husband retired and it was somewhat frightening because I did not know what changes were coming. Some of it has been very difficult but for the most part it has been wonderful, just like the rest of life... For me, there are no little ones, but I find joy in my dogs, the friends I have made in my knit and crochet groups, and other things. Sometimes it takes awhile to find our joy. Anyway, that is my two cents. Sending love and prayers for you and Hunter, Leda