SIGH
Yippee for Fridays - 2 days that I don't have put on a fake face and act like everything is okay for the sake of work and all the kids I deal with who often have a chaotic life. I'm tired, sisters.....I've been saying this for awhile.....this year is different....last year I decorated, I made the best of Christmas in the midst of missing my mom and daughter, last year I was @ peace in my heart - BUT NOT THIS YEAR........
Since Christmas Eve was the night that my mom and Jennifer and Hunter and Jim would spend together. Christmas Day, everyone kind of went their separate ways, but Christmas Eve was oh so special. My mom was not flexible about this night - it was really just for her & I but everyone else just got to join....Being an only child, we were very close and I sure miss her unconditional love and smile and when she would see me, she would light up and say, "there's my girl".....anyway - I struggle with Christmas Eve.....Start a new tradition, others say, do something new, but it's so hard to do that when I really just want the old....sigh
I have been thinking about Christmas Eve, this year.....Christmas Day Hunter will be with Bryn's family so Christmas Eve I will have him...what to do when your heart says, go to bed, cry, wrap yourself up in a blanket and stare blankly.....I can hear my mom's voice in my head, saying, come on Vicki, keep going, do it for Hunter, do it for me.....but I sure don't want to, not this year.
In saying all of that, you all know I am a beach lover and truly my heart is @ peace when I'm @ the beach so I just bought 3 tickets for Christmas Eve for us to be on a boat decorated with lights, which will be in the boat parade in Newport Beach. Never done that before - I've been to the boat parade when friends lived on the bay, but this will be different...something new....won't be @ home where my emotions tend to run crazy.....yep, something different, something new....my mom would be proud.....
Here I am @ work, writing this as it's quiet @ the moment and tears are filling my eyes....geez.....this year is definitely different...so sad, lonely....caught in a sea of emptiness. Thankful I can come here to write, to vent, to share.
Hugs to you all - sending love from Jennifer's mom.
Replies
I will be praying you through
Vicki, I just retired last year but how I remember just exhaling on Fridays because I could be home and as you said, not having to wear the fake "I'm fine" mask. And I loved what I did but as you know, once your child passes, it can be so draining and sad while we are trying to work.
I don't know why, but this year the Christmas season has been extremely sad for me too. Some years have been gentler.
And you're missing your dear mom and those traditions too. Your plans for Christmas Eve sound wonderful. I know you are doing this for Hunter and I hope all of you can enjoy the evening. I find the parallel reality of this journey so odd. Sadness but moments of joy coexisting. I guess it's good that sadness and joy do find a way to coexist in our lives. It takes time though. I feel like I was in sadness for a long time.
We have Ken's family's Christmas open house tomorrow night & I do brunch Christmas morning. I'd like to do what you described instead of these events; wrap myself in a blanket, cry or just stare blankly. My heart is not in any of it. My in laws will be I'm a celebratory mood & that's ok. It's not them, it's me. I am so grateful my Savior came into the world but still so sad at the same time. Again it's me, missing Ed.
I'm with you...so thankful for this place where we can say what we need to say. Where we are met with complete and utter understanding. A place to remove the mask.
May the coming weeks be gentle on your beautiful heart. Love to you and dearest Jennifer, Linda ♡
Some years are better than others and I think this is especially true after a loss such as ours. I too am grateful for a place like FMO where we can say what we really feel and not be judged and feel free to take off our masks. Some years are gentler than others and I don’t know why.
I hope your time with Hunter is helpful for you and for him during this holiday season.
Sending love and prayers for all of you, Leda
Be kind and gentle to yourself, Vicki. You have done an excellent job by creating a new tradition! I'm sure that your mom and Jennifer are very proud of you.
Loving hugs to you.
I hate this time of year. Every year since Lisa died has been different. I too love the beach. One year we went to Tofino, on Vancouver Island to watch the storms. It suited my mood. One year, we spent Christmas Day watching old videos of the family and Christmases past. I think I went through a box of tissues! For about 4 years I never took out the Christmas stuff. The best one since Lisa died was when Cevyn came to visit. But it was bittersweet. I love Cevyn to bits but I missed her mom so much! I have learned to do what feels best, knowing that Christmas will never be the joyous event that it used to be. If I feel like crying all day, I do.
This year we don't know what we will be doing. We may go to my son's house, or we may stay home. If his in laws are doing Christmas, we will stay home. Tiina's family is noisy and I can't handle rowdy crowds any more.
What a wonderful way to spend Christmas Eve! It does help to do something completely different.
I hope you are having a good weekend.
Wishing you love and peace Jennifer's mom.
Love, Lisa's mom
So happy we have this place to vent our real feelings. I can't wait for the next three weeks to be over. Like all of you just trying to cope. A new way to do things would be great but not in the cards for us. I did some decorating as the littles from around the corner visit and they love it. Hoping you all are able to get through with peace. Hugs!!!
Every year feels different in some way doesn't it, yet the overriding feeling is always MISSING our children. That is a constant that will always BE.
I'm happy that you are figuring out your Christmas Eve and it sounds just right. Something new and different and time spent with Hunter.
Gentle care always to you dear Vicki, and yes, the gift of being able to come here to share what is in our hearts is a life line.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
It is good that you did something for your own peace of mind! Reminds me of the time, I went for a boat ride on the Hudson called the Spirit of New York" which was an evening dinner boat that went around the Statue of Liberty. They played music while we ate dinner and when done, the waiters and waitresses went into a song and dance routine that was all about the Spirit of New york and America in general as we circled around the Statue. It was a trip I will never forget and you won't forget yours either.
God Bless
I think your idea is great. Start new traditions with Hunter.. It is not the same that it will bring you down. It is new and shiny. just for you and Hunter. Tell me how it goes.
Hugs Penny
(((((re-charge your batteries, renew your spirit, find joy wherever you can)))))
PS: she would be proud