Sigh
Kinda early for certainty, but a phone talk with Hubs might have settled the anxiety waves. It at least validated them. I am still not clear on whether I am scouting for a collaborative effort or a new, independant start. The talk with Hubs hits my summary as a choice between business as usual or a new, independant start. That, too, would be business as usual. Give the "little woman" just enough to shut her up for a while. Worry about "putting her back in her place" later. I hung up on him when he started cursing like a man ready to launch a silver platter gratitude lecture.
Just breathe. . .
My current anger feels like a release of the anxiety. No surprises here. Same ol' stuff. Different day.
Processing. . .
Replies
Displaced anger for what the kids are failing to live up to?
Don't believe so, Patti. I believe I am doing pretty well at treating my middle-aged cherubs like grown-ups.
I believe this one is between Hubs and I. Part of the anger is his continued treatment of them as the still young children you are doing so well with. His treatment of "The Kids" (33 and 37) is not the only blind spot in his busy, successful life. This morning I feel like his business is making himself the only competent member of the family. The superstar to the end. . .
Signed on for another week in my current room. When in doubt, sit it out.
Drove to a couple of new spots on the Ohio River. Revisited the confluence of the Cumberland and Ohio. To the casual observer, a river confluence doesn't look any different than either of the rivers a few hundred feet upstream. That might be my favorite part of river confluences. Most of the action is under the surface where the currents meet. Kinda like my current life and the life I was conditioned by. The life of my blood vs the life of my choosing? I feel much calmer now. No anxiety attacks since the anger erupted.
The nevers and forevers of chump dumping logics are upon me. Feeling like life on the someday shelf of a chronically busy man is all that Hubs has to offer. My job is to just polish his trophies and clean up his messes. It's about him or without him. Today the "without him" is sounding like the more dignified option.
Sorry to put this right here. It is just occurring to me that I have not one iota of experience to call on to try and help you through this. I am pants at relationships. I've never had one and never want one. So my advice were I to give any might be biased. But I am sure you're smart enough to see through that. Now I see I have very little experience of anything, full stop. I want to say 'go your own way, have some independent adventures, its time for you to shine and be your own superstar.' But I've never had any adventures. What do I know?
Sorry, I feel bad this is more about me than you and that's so selfish for a comment on someone else's journal. (((Hugs))) I will send helpful and hopeful healing vibes your way instead.
All helpful and hopeful healing vibes sincerely appreciated.
Update:
Hubs and I had another rambling conversation. Still no answers and that's okay. He fessed up to having very conflicted emotions about the co-owner yaddahs that derailed the farm project. I still have zero confidence in the wisdom of our investing any more time or money until that dynamic is worked out and I see zero benefit in pushing the matter. The co-owner is his only surviving brother. It's worth giving it extra time. Que sera sera.
Meanwhile, there is a whole world full of possibilities out here that don't have sibling guess work attached.
Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
It's a scary place you are in, I've been there when I decided not to marry my son's father and became a single parent. Many times along the way I questioned my decision...my therapist asked me a question: What's he bringing to the table? This was a major factor of my decision...I tried for a year to get him to be a 'dad' didn't work and I carried anger against him for many many years...eventually I let go when I couldn't fight...I was only Hurting Me, accepted what was in my control and not in my control. All the best with your small steps, big faith and lots of prayer to find the best answer for you and for your wellbeing.