Sigh
Some of the small things that remind me of the loss of my son can really add up and make for an emotional mess. This week, Facebook reminded me of the lovely optimistic picture I shared two years ago of all our meds/shots, captioned excitedly "Round 2, wish us luck!" That is the FET that got us pregnant with Max. Then today...well bit of a backstory before I explain what happened. When I was pregnant, we went to a Bradley Method (natural childbirth) class, thinking we were going to have a natural birth, at the time that was really important to me (HA). All of us girls in the class were due around the same time and we all got to be pretty friendly. After everyone had their babies, they had a little reunion class for all the babies to meet. This was about 5 months after I had lost Max and he would have been about 2 months old had he lived. I was not invited to this reunion and I remember that it upset me at the time. Well one of the girls just posted that memory and tagged everyone from the class except me and the caption said something along the lines of, we need to do this again. It is upsetting all over again because it feels like I wasn't even a part of that group, like I wasn't even pregnant, like I never had Max. But I was pregnant, I did have Max and he fought for his life before we decided he had fought enough and he deserved some peace and let him go.
In my infant loss support group that I attend once a month, we talked this month about the stupid things people say to you after you lose a baby. This kind of falls in that category, they probably didn't invite me because they were worried it would upset me, not realizing that it was actually the other way around. People think that if they don't mention Max or the fact that I was pregnant, that I won't remember that my baby died and get upset. Well, that is just not true, it is something I think about every single day and probably will, to some extent, for the rest of my life.
Replies
It is such a hard experience to navigate through. I wish someone from the group would have reached out to you privately to ask how you felt about the reunion... that way if you did have a break down and not want to go you could do it on your own terms... but it would have at least extended you the opportunity to go. You Were pregnant, you Did have a baby and you ARE a mother. You did what every mother strives to do every day, fight to keep your child safe and healthy, and do anything in your power to keep your child free from pain and suffering. Tragically for you it was the hardest choice any of us can ever imagine.
I am so glad you have an outlet to say how you feel about all this... because someone reading your testimony might make a more supportive decision for a friend or loved on down the road based on knowing how it impacted you.
Vent your heart out sister. Your courage inspires me <3
Thank you so much for your words, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I appreciate the support!
Everything Mrs. Mooney said was exactly on point, especially the part about reading what you felt and using your story to be a more supportive person for someone in a similar situation. People are just so awkward and nervous when it comes to death. Unfortunately, death is something we all have to experience, but it is so rarely talked about. I am not even pretending like I have the best coping mechanisms, but I certainly know that we can't pretend like a life didn't happen. Nothing will change that Max is your son and you are his mother. Sending love your way :)