sickie dick
hub-a-lub has been working himself sick again. in the two or three years since his corporate retirement, the focus has been on growing the homestead llc in his own image. my input is as welcome there as it was when he contained his career developments behind the corporate security guards. my wifely contribution is to listen and take orders. i miss the insulating factor provided by those security guards. that which keeps some out keeps others in. the grand schemes he works here will be mine to deal with if he works himself to hospice care. i will need to tend his business while providing that hospice care on top of childcare with all the appreciation of an entitled brat bashing a not-working mother. the double entendre of "not working" is loud in my sarcasm. the mama-bashing entitlement plan is not working far more clearly than dedicated domestic managers are "not working."
the past week or two has found a bug sweeping the county. our household included. myself included, but i have built ample skill in nursing others while i am in need of a nurse. onward through the fog. yesterday hubby carried himself to the doctor with warning that the doctor would probably admit him to the hospital for his heart condition. my doubts were not strong enough to keep me from spending the day awash flashbacks to his near-death experience of 2013 where i got to tend his side business on top of his care and my own not-working-business-as-usual. carried forward to here and now, his bees are gonna die. god willing, they will be the only victims of a replay. god willing and my own heart don't give out, i will find the strength to keep the rest of the family intact as a single grandmother.
gnarl, gnarl, gnash, gnash.
i have been journaling by other media, but that media is currently too far away to be useful for immediate use. my partner is abed with big guy drama i don't care to risk approaching. i don't feel safe leaving the children alone with that big guy drama and? ? ? good thing i have alternate means of sorting.
"how sagacious the little mouse who never entrusts his safety to a single exit." ~ben franklin
Replies
Big hug sweetie
It's good that your hubby is seeing his MD
I hope he will be okay
I hear you re frustration
I didn't make it work so kudos to you for working through the difficult days
Another hug and prayers sent...xo
i have been sick, as well, suncloud. he gets to act sick and mean while i have to hold the rest of the fort together while he takes pot shots at me from a safe social distance. way to be supportive, dickhead. i'm so exhausted i could drop in my tracks but i only trust him for meanness just now. nope, no doctors for me. i've been boycotting that scene since 1995. the very thought of breathing all that antiseptic makes me ill. ditto for the insurance haggling that makes that world tick.
shortly after i posted this, i sent my BBS (best beloved sis) a text stating, "it feels like a good day for hub-a-cide." yes, this is the same sis who rescued me repeatedly after my son died and the covidic yaddahs deepened the crisis. she was ready to launch another rescue mission. she has jumped the in-law hyphen far enough to have a direct relationship with hubs. she called him and seemed to soothe the savage beast. she certainly soothed my savage beast. the big strong man is the one who needs protecting in this case. i really am capable of hub-a-cide. my blind rages scare me far more than his mean-spirited pot shots. those mean-spirited pot shots sure can trigger those blind rages.
as evening settles over the homestead, i am still maintaining a masked social distance from the target of my homicidal urges. i am exhausted but holding my own. i am grateful that hubby is keeping a silent distance. he tried to pitch in with the kids today, but they don't seem to like him any better than i do today. his efforts to help resulted in more kid tears for me to dry.
sigh. . .
here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day. just hoping. . .
so far today is better by a wake up. hub-a-lub was in an outstretched, relaxed position when i tiptoed past him on my way to the toilet. when he fakes sleep in a fetal position, my day begins with fear of his leaping out of that coil like a rattlesnake. this morning his body language was relaxed enough that i dared to ask, "do i have a partner or an adversary today?" his one word answer, "partner" was even delivered in gentle tones. i haven't tested the claim, but? ? ? self-care first. dear god, i feel like death warmed over.
and still the day dawns. the 6 year old is experimenting with roller skates. i lost it at her rather harshly when she used the unstable shelves in front of me to prevent a fall, nearly pulling the shelves over on me. the good news is i had the presence of mind to recognize and make amends for the over-reaction. let there be peace in the neighborhood.
It sux that you're sick sweetie
Vent, vent, vent
It's great that you have a sister that you're so close to
Mean pot shots hurt
My hub-a-cide was called divorce so kudos to you for working through it
It takes guts
I hope that you feel better soon
Prayers sent Arf....xo
divorce is one step more civil than murdering the s.o.b. alas, knives and bludgeons are far handier than divorce proceedings.
at this stage, dumping the chump would probably result in losing the children, as well. don't know as i am THAT pissed. yet.
for now, the masked social distances are proving sufficient. luckily my mean mask is equal to the task of keeping a self-righteous dickhead respecting the boundaries. the good news is that he spent the day at the ER with lots of professional nursing to soothe his savage beast. i enjoyed the rest tremendously and he has been much calmer since he got his proper nursing fix.
this gets me wondering if we should contract a home nursing outfit. somebody to come in and help, as needed. childcare and self-care i can handle easily enough. just need somebody to tend the old fart whenever he gets his knickers in a twist. my give a damn is busted.
Maybe some boxing gloves
I hope that you're both feeling better really soon and he's singing 'Don't Worry be Happy'
! ! ! ! bbs is here! ! ! ! ! her talk with hub-a-lub put her in panic mode. immediately after their talk, hubs informed me --corporate executive style-- that she was on her way. yes, boss. i contacted bbs before my favorite, still ailing executive had busied on his way. sure enough, she was busy packing with plans to drive the 14 hour drive in a single stretch. calmate, querida. it isn't the emergency our beloved drama king has made it out to be. yeah, i am in danger of losing my control of the husband beating psychosis, but i am prayerfully certain i can keep it under control for a few more days. besides, i'm physically sick enough that my right hook isn't carrying much power just now.
she took me at my word and stretched the drive into a more sensible two days with a few stops to appreciate the wonders she was driving past. she arrived yesterday afternoon and this morning finds me relaxed enough to begin untying the knots all this fun has left in my gut.
i find myself swimming in fantasies of sending bbs, hubs and the kids to goliad, a historic and pretty little town on the coastal plains, about an hour's drive from the gulf of mexico. the base motive behind this fantasy is hubby's nephew, wife and three children. they have a 20 acre farm there. hubby's brother is in the end stages of huntington's disease. there is not much of him left. my wife sense wonders if this is the real reason behind this recent drama. this brother is the only remaining member of hubby's birth family. as seems to be the contemporary norm, the social distances between him and his cousins, etc., is more vast than the distance to the moon. does it have to be that way? maybe a visit to the dying brother's eldest son could close that gap a bit? his 3 children are around the same age as our 3 munchkins.
perhaps the greater motive is i am craving alone time which isn't spiced with the certainty that it will soon be cut off by child/hubby care demands.
Oh no Huntington's is terrible
I imagine it would really effect him
I'm sorry to read that you're so sick sweetie
Big hug...xo
i'm still not reading hub-a-lub with any accuracy i trust, but bbs's presence is helping on my side of the egg shell pile. just being able to vent about my anxiety over providing traditional geriatric care on top of foster care for 3 young orphans and sorting hubby's business while he is busy being sick has helped quite allot.
when i say, "traditional geriatric care," i speak of doctor/insurance offices. the very ones i have been boycotting since 1995. the very ones i hope to have at a safe distance from my own end of life days. one of my personal anxieties is that some aggressive med pro will recognize my condition and subject me to forced medical care. as a star patient's caregiver, it is not likely i will even be noticed by any of those august pros. even if somebody cares about the caregiver, insurance mandates a different body of yaddah blahs for every patient. still, med pros are often affiliated with legal pros and? ? ? stranger things have happened. even without that worry, breathing the fresh antiseptic of a med park waiting room does not fit my own approach to self-care. even as an unappreciated caregiver, the waiting room alone is more of the medical system than i feel is good for my health.
still no easy answers, but methinks i am finding words for the current crisis. small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
Your health and sanity matters a great deal. There is only so much you can do in reality. If you go down, the ship goes down. Okay, your stress is major and I hope it doesn't give you the chronic stress blues. I am going to say something that might sound harsh. Pick your battles and decide who is #1, #2 etc. I'd say kids come first but you come right after them and hubs is #3. You can't do it all and those kids need you very much. It is just a matter of priorities and if the kids become last priority, well we all know what happens.
I am sometimes the caregiver for my hubs but there are no children or even pets. I used to have to change his ileostomy bags because he couldn't see well enough to do it himself and they put him back together funky so the two bags were too close together. Thank goodness, 5 months later, they went back in and sewed him back together and now he has no bags. I was working then and it was a nightmare.
I crave a lot of alone time, I am such an introvert and need a lot of time without human contact. Except when it bites me in the rear like now with this low grade sorrow over losses (depression).
No easy answers and it is hard to say no or yes sometimes. Baby steps and take care of yourself, too.
i've started bringing up, "palliative/home health care." hubs is an insurance guru, currently working the system for his heart condition. seems like an ideal time start asking. whichever of us goes first, the other is going to need help with the geriatric/pediatric care load.
nope, no easy answers. just a messy, gooey puzzle ya gotta work out, one piece at a time.
yo. . . big boss. . . ya got a box cover with a picture for this puzzle?