Sick of this

 
Never really been on a site like this before and I'm not used to this sort of thing.
I'm sorry if this is long... Here goes!
 
A year ago I was attacked by someone who was supposed to be a friend. If I wasn't as strong as I am I probably would never had been able to beat him off me. This lead to a long old court case which caused me immense stress as I lost a lot of friends. I started comfort eating... A lot.
I then lost my grandad, who was more like a dad to me, which broke my heart and lead me to act recklessly.
Recently I joined a gym and have lost a lot of weight, I'm currently at 20 stone with a BMI of 46. Dangerously high.
It's got to a point where I'm in pain when I exercise and it can sometimes take me 2 days to recover from it.
With all this going on, I've been re-diagnosed with depression and swallowing pills every day make me feel even damn worse.
 
I've resulting in self harm. I hate myself even more for it. Every day I'm told to remember that people out there love me.
But I don't love me.