Sick and Tired of this

I'm sick and tired of these mood swings. I'm fine one minute and horrid the next. Last night I was so tempted to cut I can't even tell you how badly I wanted to do it. I was almost drooling over it. I just went to sleep, though, and managed to make it out with just a couple scratched mosquito bites. I tried the faking it thing again today and failed. I went to the pool and it was nice to be in the warm water, but I didn't feel like talking to anybody and I didn't know anyone there so I left after a short time. I went out with Geo's mom (my mil) for lunch, and that was me trying to be as positive as I could for the day. It's like my energy for happiness was drained. Now I just want to lie in bed and do nothing. Not even sleep. Just lie in bed and let life pass by. I heard what sounded like a low flying plane overhead, and for a second I wished it was headed for the nuclear plant I live near just so it could be over. I'm not going to hurt myself, and if I think I'm going to, I know to go to the hospital. I have klonopin to knock myself out, and if that doesn't work I will go in. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to go lie down now.