Sick dog.
I stayed up watching ghost stories until 1 am this morning, dog woke me up at 4:30, and he promptly threw up on the floor (luckily not the carpeted floor). This is the 3rd weekend in a row, so off we went to the vet. Lots of medications later (stomach virus).... I'm tired!
I took the long way home, drove around in the valley for about an hour. Our valley is still mostly undeveloped, except for a few ranch houses. For someone like me who grew up near the cities, it's a pretty fascinating area. It has huge rolling hills and hidden canyons that were created by an ancient ocean, lots of cows, lol. There are still dinosaur bones sticking out of some of these hills that have yet to be officially "discovered".
So as we (me and my dogs) drove around in the 55 degree F. temps today with the windows down, the dogs were busy with their heads hanging out the windows, noses sniffing like crazy, lol, and I did some thinking about myself and my future. It took some emotional dragging to pull myself forward out of the grief, but I finally feel like I'm advancing....
The past few months have brought me back full circle to the way I was when I first moved out here... completely clueless but comfortable with myself, lol. As I drove around today, I could see that back then, I allowed things to change, and in many ways, they weren't good changes. It's where I gave up a lot of myself to deal with the alcoholism, and in the process let my behaviors and confidences shift toward that. And so, now that I have this new beginning to explore, I'm looking back at that relationship, seeing realistically what was great about it, what wasn't, and I'm seriously thinking that this time around I might not go into a relationship. I think instead I want to focus on friendships, independence, and career... I want to be selfish, self-sufficient, comfortable. I want flowers on my bedspread and on my couch and in my garden. I want to be able to go listen to a male friend's band play at the spur of a moment. I want to be able to say yes to anybody who wants to go hiking (not just women for fear of a spouse flipping out). I want to go camping and travel around the country... I WANT ME, to find out who I TRULY AM.... I'll still be open to any possibilities of a relationship in the future, but that person's gonna have to be pretty darn special for me to even think about it and I have to find MYSELF FIRST.
And I still have to be patient... I'm STILL waiting to hear from the bank about the taxes owing on that inheritance. But that's a good thing... because patience is one of my biggest weaknesses and already I'm seeing HUGE growth there. So, in another month, I find out if I'll have enough money to start thinking about career changes (as in starting my own business) and I'll be moving forward quickly from there... And work is going better too... I just needed an attitude adjustment. I decided that doing the BEST I possibly can in that job will make me a better person in the long run, teach me lessons in humility and patience that I know I need, and that focus has taken away the stress of working with the corporate manager. In fact, I could tell yesterday that she noticed, lol. And so in the meantime, my focus on my fitness has begun and I'm doing MUCH BETTER on that than expected - and my dog weighed in at 101 pounds today (he's a border collie), so we're both on a diet and fitness program, lol.... which means discipline, focus, commitment and effort - again all things I need practice on for when my life really begins to take off. LATER!
I took the long way home, drove around in the valley for about an hour. Our valley is still mostly undeveloped, except for a few ranch houses. For someone like me who grew up near the cities, it's a pretty fascinating area. It has huge rolling hills and hidden canyons that were created by an ancient ocean, lots of cows, lol. There are still dinosaur bones sticking out of some of these hills that have yet to be officially "discovered".
So as we (me and my dogs) drove around in the 55 degree F. temps today with the windows down, the dogs were busy with their heads hanging out the windows, noses sniffing like crazy, lol, and I did some thinking about myself and my future. It took some emotional dragging to pull myself forward out of the grief, but I finally feel like I'm advancing....
The past few months have brought me back full circle to the way I was when I first moved out here... completely clueless but comfortable with myself, lol. As I drove around today, I could see that back then, I allowed things to change, and in many ways, they weren't good changes. It's where I gave up a lot of myself to deal with the alcoholism, and in the process let my behaviors and confidences shift toward that. And so, now that I have this new beginning to explore, I'm looking back at that relationship, seeing realistically what was great about it, what wasn't, and I'm seriously thinking that this time around I might not go into a relationship. I think instead I want to focus on friendships, independence, and career... I want to be selfish, self-sufficient, comfortable. I want flowers on my bedspread and on my couch and in my garden. I want to be able to go listen to a male friend's band play at the spur of a moment. I want to be able to say yes to anybody who wants to go hiking (not just women for fear of a spouse flipping out). I want to go camping and travel around the country... I WANT ME, to find out who I TRULY AM.... I'll still be open to any possibilities of a relationship in the future, but that person's gonna have to be pretty darn special for me to even think about it and I have to find MYSELF FIRST.
And I still have to be patient... I'm STILL waiting to hear from the bank about the taxes owing on that inheritance. But that's a good thing... because patience is one of my biggest weaknesses and already I'm seeing HUGE growth there. So, in another month, I find out if I'll have enough money to start thinking about career changes (as in starting my own business) and I'll be moving forward quickly from there... And work is going better too... I just needed an attitude adjustment. I decided that doing the BEST I possibly can in that job will make me a better person in the long run, teach me lessons in humility and patience that I know I need, and that focus has taken away the stress of working with the corporate manager. In fact, I could tell yesterday that she noticed, lol. And so in the meantime, my focus on my fitness has begun and I'm doing MUCH BETTER on that than expected - and my dog weighed in at 101 pounds today (he's a border collie), so we're both on a diet and fitness program, lol.... which means discipline, focus, commitment and effort - again all things I need practice on for when my life really begins to take off. LATER!
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