SI area FAIL !!!

Rape area update – called a new counselor, and got my mom to order the “DYM” book for me. Depression area – over all up/down/up day feeling good makes me sadder. Self-Injury area – FAIL – new tattoo… PTSD area – Took my aunt to the movies in the day time (aka: when too many others are out and about)  Well I went and got another tattoo…woot/damn it…I do feel a lot better now. I wish I was not so extreme on how I see my self. It is all great or all bad (or) the better I feel the worst I feel…I guess this is part of my own guilt game…I’m not meant to be happy or not worry all the time. I got my aunt who I live with out of the house…she’s 68 and has never used a computer or an ATM. She goes out once a year maybe. Anyway I found a new movie theater with a gourmet grill in it. The seats are big and adjustable and high enough she can sit in them without her knees or back hurting…Anyway I F’ed it up a bit…the clock in the bedroom is still one hour off…we got there an hour early. We had to sit in the bar and wait. I know that hurt her. She said she had fun which made me and the kids happy. But I still could not deal with it not being perfect, or not being in control 100%, the waiters walking around me in the dark sucked to. Guilt, then guilt, then guilt and self blame, then a new tattoo, then feel better. Why can’t I get away from this mind set the better I feel the worse I feel or should feel.