Shock, denial, grief, anger, acceptance.
I may not have them in the right order, but this is the way it's been going for me. I think (ok, KNOW), I've hit the anger stage. And not because it's Christmas. I think it's because the end of the year brings back other bad end of the years.
Christmas is actually pretty fun for me this year. The positives: Got to go cross country skiing this afternoon, which was gorgeous and awesome! I laughed at myself on the downhills, practiced trying to keep my balance and getting my "ski legs" back again. Didn't fall once.
I'm also taking care of 3 crazy dogs in addition to my 3 crazy dogs who have been keeping me laughing, and even though I've had lots of opportunity to go out today, I decided to just stay in tonite with them. I'm sure it will probably bug me later, but then again, I'm having Christmas with my son and his new family tomorrow, so it will be great.
But over the last 3 days, and as I was skiing today, I started thinking about the X, what we "had" but didn't actually have, and how our relationship ended up. I have so many questions I would love to hear him answer, but know that even if I got answers, I'd still be pissed off at him so it doesn't matter. You see, I'M the one who decorated the house every year. I'M the one who did all the shopping, getting all the presents wrapped. I'M the one who sent out the Christmas cards to his family (his uncle and aunt passed away recently and it bugs me that it's no longer appropriate to send something), I'M the one who arranged for the Christmas Eve drive to look at the lights. I'M the one who baked the cookies, enjoyed the holiday. So basically, nothing has changed much since he's gone....
But what I'm really angry about is the lies. The grand illusion he created to pretend that everything was fine as he was in the process of destroying it. And I'm angry with myself for being such a fool in believing it was fine. I'm angry over all the money wasted; over him sitting there on the couch in a drunken stupor - the same couch he dug a hole into so he could hide the booze bottles from me; over his excuses on why he couldn't help when the truth was he was just plastered; over how he expected me to just keep on paying for his stuff - the booze, the medical bills, the dui's; over how he got even with me (or tried to) when I began finding out the truth; and over how he got violent when all I did was ask if he was ok.... I didn't understand it at the time, but NOW I realize it was to push me away because he couldn't keep up the pretenses anymore. I KNOW I should let this stuff go... and fully intend to... but TODAY, I just WANT to FEEL angry.
WHEW, felt good to get that out.
I have one Christmas present to open on tonight - just one. I actually come from a huge family, but they're all 900 miles away and busy with the family get-togethers tonite, so I can't even call them. The present's from my parents - and I already know what it is - and I'm wishing that I'd asked for something more special. So instead of opening it, I'm sitting here venting. Oh well, lesson learned. NEXT year, I'm going to ask for something better. Like a barn birdfeeder... I LOVE barns. The George Foreman Grill - which I asked for - is fine, but my cooking still sucks, and right now I'm already feeling frustrated with it. I didn't cook the entire 30 years of our marriage - he grew up in a restaurant and always wanted to do it - oh gees, here I go again, ANOTHER reason to be angry.... when he was arrested, I discovered FILTHY pots and pans. Still had food on them, stuffed in the cupboards.... when the restraining order was over, I asked him what was up with that, and his response was "why should I have to clean for YOU". GRRR. Turns out he stopped cleaning the dishes/pots and pots for MONTHS before our separation - was he hoping I'd get sick?
Ok, ok, done venting. NEW YEAR'S. Haven't figured out what I'm going to do, but the dogs leave that afternoon and staying home and dwelling about another horrible year is NOT gonna happen. Choices: go see a movie? dinner out? Go to Deadwood to watch the "ball" drop - well, maybe not that one... just lots of drunk people up there that night. Hmmmm.....
LATER!
Christmas is actually pretty fun for me this year. The positives: Got to go cross country skiing this afternoon, which was gorgeous and awesome! I laughed at myself on the downhills, practiced trying to keep my balance and getting my "ski legs" back again. Didn't fall once.
I'm also taking care of 3 crazy dogs in addition to my 3 crazy dogs who have been keeping me laughing, and even though I've had lots of opportunity to go out today, I decided to just stay in tonite with them. I'm sure it will probably bug me later, but then again, I'm having Christmas with my son and his new family tomorrow, so it will be great.
But over the last 3 days, and as I was skiing today, I started thinking about the X, what we "had" but didn't actually have, and how our relationship ended up. I have so many questions I would love to hear him answer, but know that even if I got answers, I'd still be pissed off at him so it doesn't matter. You see, I'M the one who decorated the house every year. I'M the one who did all the shopping, getting all the presents wrapped. I'M the one who sent out the Christmas cards to his family (his uncle and aunt passed away recently and it bugs me that it's no longer appropriate to send something), I'M the one who arranged for the Christmas Eve drive to look at the lights. I'M the one who baked the cookies, enjoyed the holiday. So basically, nothing has changed much since he's gone....
But what I'm really angry about is the lies. The grand illusion he created to pretend that everything was fine as he was in the process of destroying it. And I'm angry with myself for being such a fool in believing it was fine. I'm angry over all the money wasted; over him sitting there on the couch in a drunken stupor - the same couch he dug a hole into so he could hide the booze bottles from me; over his excuses on why he couldn't help when the truth was he was just plastered; over how he expected me to just keep on paying for his stuff - the booze, the medical bills, the dui's; over how he got even with me (or tried to) when I began finding out the truth; and over how he got violent when all I did was ask if he was ok.... I didn't understand it at the time, but NOW I realize it was to push me away because he couldn't keep up the pretenses anymore. I KNOW I should let this stuff go... and fully intend to... but TODAY, I just WANT to FEEL angry.
WHEW, felt good to get that out.
I have one Christmas present to open on tonight - just one. I actually come from a huge family, but they're all 900 miles away and busy with the family get-togethers tonite, so I can't even call them. The present's from my parents - and I already know what it is - and I'm wishing that I'd asked for something more special. So instead of opening it, I'm sitting here venting. Oh well, lesson learned. NEXT year, I'm going to ask for something better. Like a barn birdfeeder... I LOVE barns. The George Foreman Grill - which I asked for - is fine, but my cooking still sucks, and right now I'm already feeling frustrated with it. I didn't cook the entire 30 years of our marriage - he grew up in a restaurant and always wanted to do it - oh gees, here I go again, ANOTHER reason to be angry.... when he was arrested, I discovered FILTHY pots and pans. Still had food on them, stuffed in the cupboards.... when the restraining order was over, I asked him what was up with that, and his response was "why should I have to clean for YOU". GRRR. Turns out he stopped cleaning the dishes/pots and pots for MONTHS before our separation - was he hoping I'd get sick?
Ok, ok, done venting. NEW YEAR'S. Haven't figured out what I'm going to do, but the dogs leave that afternoon and staying home and dwelling about another horrible year is NOT gonna happen. Choices: go see a movie? dinner out? Go to Deadwood to watch the "ball" drop - well, maybe not that one... just lots of drunk people up there that night. Hmmmm.....
LATER!
Replies
I can understand a lot of what you have to say. Only \"him again\" didn\'t cook. I did all of that too.
I think it\'s good that you are looking back and working through the anger. My family is about 600 miles away except for my youngest daughter.
I think I will go see a movie sometime soon. I haven\'t done that in ages. Maybe on New years. For several years the only present I had was the one I bought myself.
It\'s hard to work thru all that hurt your ex caused but I can say that your life will be so much better but I think you already know that.
Good post. It is important to acknowledge and work through your anger (in a constructive way) during this process and it sounds like you are doing that.
Sending hugs!
I appreciate your vent (I am currently married to an alcoholic). I also have done everything every Christmas!
Thanks, everybody! I really appreciate all your comments! The venting helped WAY more than I thought it would. I really think I\'m beginning to move on.
Word of advice this New Year\'s - don\'t watch anything with Meg Ryan in it. \"When Harry Met Sally\" sent me into a crying fit last night, because my X was \"the one\". But, later \"The Devil You Know\" on Investigation Discovery made me feel much better. All those women who too had been trusting....
Thanks again!