She was supposed to be at the party

I turned 65 yesterday.  I had a party on Saturday night which was a lot of fun.  The only problem - Lisa was not there (probably in spirit but she wasn't entertaining the crowd).  It was an evening she would have enjoyed.  We had talked about my 65th and she was going to come and make my cake.  She was very creative and did cake decorating as a business for awhile. 
I can't help wondering why she had to die and not me.  I told her once that if I died tomorrow, I'd have no regrets. I meant it! Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would outlive her.  Yes she had health problems but the surgery was supposed to help.  Thousands of people have had it - why did hers have to go wrong?  I know there is no answer but the controlling bitch part of me just can't accept this. 
Back to the counselor next week.  I guess I have something to talk about.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Yes, she was supposed to be at the party, I have thought the same thought...Oh, I feel exactly the same...the controlling bitch part of me cannot accept my daughter being gone either...I hate the helplessness...I can\'t do anything except try to keep on...sending peace your way...thinking of you...
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

Boy am I there with you and Ambersmama ~ when I allow it to, I still rage at the wrongness of what we are being forced to live with and through. No way can I stop fighting for Corrie\'s existence. I\'m glad you were able to carry on with the 65th bday party anyway ~ though nothing is the same.

Sending much love, tender hugs and thoughts of peace ~ Debbie
biowoman
biowoman

Happy Birthday! You are right...she should have been there...it is so hard to reconcile the injustice of our loss...but here we are...and our children have gone before us. Love to you...Karen
JennsMom66
JennsMom66

Happy Birthday.. I sooo am with you in your feelings. If not for kate I don\'t know if I would be here today.. can\'t leave her alone, not after her losing her only sibling only 2 years ago... but If I have the choice of Jenn or me it would have been me in a heartbeat, I know my girls would have taken care of each other.
NoraMc
NoraMc

Happy Birthday! love, hugs and peace, Nora
deleted_user
deleted_user

I so know how you are feeling/ How is it that our children who had so much to live for, and were so young died and here we are// It just isn\'t right. Happy Birthday. Sandi