She was supposed to be at the party

I turned 65 yesterday.  I had a party on Saturday night which was a lot of fun.  The only problem - Lisa was not there (probably in spirit but she wasn't entertaining the crowd).  It was an evening she would have enjoyed.  We had talked about my 65th and she was going to come and make my cake.  She was very creative and did cake decorating as a business for awhile. 
I can't help wondering why she had to die and not me.  I told her once that if I died tomorrow, I'd have no regrets. I meant it! Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would outlive her.  Yes she had health problems but the surgery was supposed to help.  Thousands of people have had it - why did hers have to go wrong?  I know there is no answer but the controlling bitch part of me just can't accept this. 
Back to the counselor next week.  I guess I have something to talk about.