She Shed Her Wig Good For Her

My therapist shed her wig and I am so happy for her.  When I came into her office I did the thumbs up and, “Yeah!”  I told her how nice it looked and commented how nice that must feel.  She said she warned me ahead of time.  She did.  I didn’t say but she said 2 weeks and it wasn’t quite 2 weeks.  But that’s fine.  Yesterday was the first day without it and she said she didn’t see too many people yesterday so she could ease her way into it.  I asked her what people were saying.  She said they just thought she got her hair cut.  Not everyone knows she had cancer that she sees.  She said that many didn’t even comment on the wig when she started wearing it.  I said because it was so close to her real hair.  Please God, please keep the cancer away from her forever!  She’s such a nice, good person and didn’t deserve that.  I commented how doesn’t she love it when I come because she never knows what we are going to do.  She said I always have an agenda and that’s good.  Some people don’t.  I jokingly said how she never knows what’s up my sleeve.  I told her what I want to do with Big Bertha, coming back inside and counter-acting it, talking about a few other things and when I have to go to the bathroom again to go downstairs and have a success.  She doesn’t flinch at anything.  I’m so used to people arguing with me that when she does this is so nice.  Makes me feel like a valued person.  I started by saying I didn’t want to do this again but I don’t know Big Bertha very well.  She looked at me a little funny.  I went on that besides the few nights I used her and in here I really don’t know her.  She understood.  I went on by telling her when I need to go to the bathroom (and it will be very soon) we need to go outside in an outside environment like the wedding.  I need to have Big Bertha on and work on not moving around and such.  Not letting anyone know what’s happening.  I suggested to go over to the swimming pool behind and just looking, like we were looking at the wedding.  First I asked her the chance of me not having to go to the bathroom at all at the wedding.  She said as time goes on that I’m out there not very likely.  OK.  So after I needed to go to the bathroom and we finished what we were talking about she got my bag out from the drawer not sure which one was mine, she turned around and I changed.  While she was turned around I quickly put my underwear back in between my pair of jeans.  Last week I had to take them back out to use them because I wet my other pair accidently and she didn’t know it.  So, that worked out good that she didn’t even know what happened.  I commented it will be a little different with shorts on.  We had talked just before about bringing my stuff with me, including extra clothes - that we actually forgot, to change in the downstairs bathroom after.  Maybe she didn’t trust Big Bertha.  Then I thought and said unless we should come back upstairs and I sit in it – I can’t too long – just to see what happens.  She said to prepare either way.  I did.   So we set out for downstairs with my underwear in a white plastic bag I just had to hold.  In leaving I told her I called my friend yesterday to say my husband won’t be driving the Viper – I just don’t feel comfortable about it.  He said he half expected me to call anyway.  It’s such an expensive car, it’s so far, on the highway and more practice would do it but we couldn’t.  And, it might rain.  She asked me if I told my husband ahead of time.  No, I just called.  But it was OK and I didn’t want to make it an ego thing.   As we were going down the stairs someone else in the building, another social worker, said a bright ‘hi’ to her.  I think because she realized she wasn’t wearing her wig and was happy for her, too.  She probably saw her for the first time without it.  Don’t know if she knew I was with her because I was right behind her.  I don’t think so.  And, later when we went downstairs her husband, a chiropractor (I later asked who they were) saw us.  He was on the phone and just said hi.  No biggie.   So we were not quite out the door yet and I told her how uncomfortable it felt.  Just before we left she looked and said she didn’t see anything.  I showed her under how the top of them were above my shorts in the front.  Yeah.  She had told me before that about women who have very heavy periods and have to change every 15 minutes.  They wouldn’t be able to go to something like this.  And, think about if they leaked – you can see that much more than mine and it would be very embarrassing.  Sometimes she tends to tell me of worser problems.  I guess to make me realize that yes, I have my problem but there is worse.  I guess so.   So we walked over to the swimming pool fence.  We were just standing there pretending to look in and I commented that no one was paying attention to us.  I’d say there were about 5 people out there.  I don’t think they even realized we were there.  I wanted to stay still.  Back in her office I had told her there will be chairs at the wedding but it’s harder for me standing than sitting.  Sitting, if I need to go, I can try to just freeze to not move.  I don’t know if it happens what it will be.  Standing it’s harder and it was.  I couldn’t stand still and was moving around.  She said no one could tell except for my moving around.  It’s really hard to do and I go to the bathroom faster when I don’t move.    I tried not to move much, did and crossed my legs, too.  Finally I just said, “I can’t do this anymore.”  We both knew I was going to the bathroom.  I think I commented that I hope this works.  Going outside I heard her say she won’t look.  She just stood there with me.  I tend to block everything out at times like this so I don’t know if she was looking at me, where I was looking or if anything was said.  It’s really weird how I can never remember.  When I was done I just said, “OK.”  So we immediately left to go back inside.  She asked me how it went.  I told her how it’s really bigger now – Big Bertha.  She kind of chuckled.   My shorts were a little wet in one spot (by my left leg).  I did tell her.  She asked me if I wanted to change now downstairs or go back upstairs.  Upstairs but I can’t sit in it for very long.    We got upstairs and I asked her to look after we got into the privacy of her office.  She said she couldn’t even see anything.  I even motioned to the wet spot and she said she couldn’t see (I had white jean shorts on).  I asked her if I should sit on the plastic bag.  Yes.  We wanted to see if it leaks any sitting for a bit.  I sat and said how I could really see it now under my clothes.  But for the most part we just talked and didn’t call anymore attention to Big Bertha itself.  In about 10 minutes I told her I wanted to change.  She asked if she should leave or stay.  I thought and said she could stay.  She turned back around and I changed and she turned back around.  She asked me if I needed another plastic bag.  No, I had one and showed her.  I said again how they were a little wet.  She asked me if they were uncomfortable as if to change.  I said they were OK.  But Big Bertha worked pretty well and that was good.  In between this time we talked a bit about me not liking Big Bertha – I really don’t like her.  She said Big Bertha told her earlier that she feels hurt – it’s a low self esteem problem.  How she wants to come out and play too and I said how I keep her hidden in the closet.  I told her how I thought of it as a crutch.  She said she’s more like a lifesaver (pointed to the pillow I got her – don’t know if she remembers I got her that).  I explained that when I have to go to the bathroom I try my hardest to wait, I don’t want to have an accident.  In not moving around I will go faster and I feel like I will use Big Bertha as a crutch to “just go” and not wait.  She didn’t understand at first but then did.  After I had changed we talked about other things.  How my friend came over for almost 3 hours last night for jewelry.  It’s so hard for her to make decisions so I just do it.  Then we talked and she sat on my bed where I sleep.  I was careful earlier to put anything away but I was a little afraid for her to sit there.  But there’s blankets and a comforter.  So I just kept telling myself not to worry. And I didn’t.   My friend’s son was seeing her and I said how he’ll have trouble with the wedding and my friend even said maybe he could see her just for that – for suggestions.  I don’t know, she doesn’t know, and my therapist can’t tell me anything but it would be funny that we are two different families talking about the same event (he’s the best man).  With my daughter it’s the same family but not in this case.  Yeah.  I do think he stopped going to her but still takes his medications.  I told her about what my daughter said about my grandson coming over and it’s like his second home.  My therapist said it is and he feels safe and such.  I said how my daughter said it in such a nice bonding way.  My kids never had that with grandparents.  My Mom was too nervous to babysit and my mother-in-law was too strict and “jumpy” with the kids.  It’s nice.    I told her about my Aunt loosing it becoming more and more confused and angry about it.  Angry at me.  I don’t know which is worse doing that or not knowing who you are.  She’s 94.  I asked her about her Dad and she said he was with it right up to the very end.  Even if we go out there to see our son I’m not sure if I want to see her.  I want to see her really bad but not yelling at me.  And my cousin just left to go out there.  Her sister just did that with her son from Ohio.  But they spent Friday night with them in Kansas City and left on Saturday and got there Monday (night? – probably).  Took them 3 days like we figured, too.  I said it would cost us about 2,500 for our whole trip if we went.  So by now I needed to go to the bathroom again.  She asked if we should go downstairs now.  I told her we can finish what we were talking about and then go.  So we did.  I told her I haven’t checked downstairs in a while, hoping their door wasn’t open.  We turned on the light in the hallway, it looked like no one was even in that office down there, and stood outside the bathroom.  She said to pretend like it was at the reception and there was a line and had to wait.  We had talked earlier how I didn’t want to wear Big Bertha at the reception.  The only problem I might have there is there would be a line to wait.   While we were waiting I mentioned that my trip is only a little more than 2 weeks away and we haven’t even talked about it.  She said what we have been doing all goes together with the trip, too.  It’s all connected.  I told her how excited my husband is and he’s counting the days.  She said we deserve it.    I was moving around a little – trying not to.  It’s really hard to stay still when I have to go.  When she saw I was struggling more she asked me if I wanted to go.  We were only down there a few minutes.  No, not yet.  But within the minute I leaned over a little with both hands on my thighs really trying to hold it.  She asked me if I wanted to go now.  “I better,” I told her and went.  She waited for me way back down the hall near the steps.  I can’t figure out why she goes down there to wait.    So we left and went back upstairs.  I had asked her who those people were and she told me.  We got back into her office and she asked me how that was.  Very nice!  I needed that success.  I told her and no one from in there saw us.  That was good.  We had said how my dress is perfect.  It dries quickly and you can’t see if it gets wet and kind of all blends in with the pattern.  As far as Big Bertha it works.  I think what happens at night when it doesn’t work as well it’s because of my sleeping position on my tummy.  It has no where to go.  And we talked how no one thinks about looking for bathrooms and no one knows I think about it and all that happens to me and Big Bertha and all.  But we decided that’s OK that no one has to know and they won’t even be paying attention anyway.    So she got the tappers out and we had talked just a little earlier what to say.  But she pretty much started talking right away after giving them to me.  I closed my eyes.  She said how we found a success with Big Bertha and I need to go with it.  I can’t remember everything but that it’s OK to use her and no one needs to know.  It’s not anyone’s business (I told her earlier I don’t even want to tell my husband).  That all those accidents I had were not accidents.  They were just practicing (I told her to say that because all those accidents mess with my mind – I don’t have them all the time).  She said that I only have accidents 1-5 percent of the time and that’s not a lot.  I can’t remember the rest because I’m kind of blocking it out.  I don’t know why I would do that.  I just can’t remember but it was very positive and encouraging.  Oh, she did say a couple times about it being the mature thing to do – my decision to wear Big Bertha.  She said I can come back and open my eyes when I’m ready.  I did.    I told her that was great.  She asked me if there was anything else I wanted her to say.  That was nice.  I thought and told her to say that if something happens it’s OK.  I said that I’m not a baby or a bad person but she didn’t like that.  That is how I feel.  So she reworded it to a good person and such.  She said how if something happens I can handle it and take care of myself.  I had closed my eyes again and she turned on the tappers again.  So we finished and she took them back  We talked pretty much about the idea that it’s OK to hide this what I’m doing.  How no one needs to know.  Right.  But I told her I was a little confused.  It’s OK to hide this but aren’t we working on me not hiding this problem in the first place.   She said that was a good question and we’ll talk about it.  It’s that people going to the bathroom is a private thing.  In primitive cultures maybe it wasn’t but it is to us.  So what I do in this case it’s OK to hide it and be private.  Like brushing your teeth if you want that private.  But I looked at her like ‘that’s not the same’ on that one.  Yeah.  But sometimes people need to know, she went on to tell me.  Like my friends when I went on the trip – they just need to know.  And, what I didn’t relate to at all but she did, she was referring to my friend that used to “hide me” and that wasn’t good at all.  I’m not sure why she related those two hiding things together.  They are different.  I think we need to explore all that when we get a chance.    She said on another note she has another client who needs help in organizing.  They are an older couple from around there.  I still have the other person’s (she referred to me a while back) little fans I forgot about.  But she said they can pay for this and many people are in need of it.  They just need to get started.  She knows I’m good and would have no problem recommending me.  It’s a win/win situation.  I said that’s fine and thanked her for thinking of me.  She asked me if I have a business card.  I actually do and she asked me to bring it in on Monday.  OK.  She also reassured me she wouldn’t tell them how she knows me.  Good, like that other person she recommended me to – another client of hers.  I told her about my friends group of people who meet for lunch – one of each work category and he thinks I should come.  Good for networking and leads.   So I left and she mentioned something like to have a nice time this weekend.  I told her to think of me Saturday night as I was walking out and mentioned to her the bag still there she needed to put back in her drawer.  It’s the bag that has my extra clothes in them but we didn’t need them today.  Yeah!  I went to the bathroom again (just feel like I have to a lot when I do these experimentations) before going into the massage therapist.  When I came out my therapist was right there getting her cup of tea.  She said, “Excuse me,” because she thought she was in my way when I came out.  She really wasn’t.  I don’t feel bad with her because she just knows I go a lot and it would not be unusual to go before my massage therapist anyway.  But, golly, it’s just for 10 minutes.  My massage therapist did mention about scheduling a 20 minute one to work better on one area but I didn’t.  Still scared to go longer.  Not sure if I want to talk more to my therapist about this first or not.  We have so much going now with the trip – only 4 more times before it.  That Wednesday before she will be in a seminar until 4:00 and said she could see me at 4:30.  Now that’s really nice.  Just for me!