She Shared With Me How Much She Throws Up Sometimes
I came in. She said, “Welcome.” I asked her how she was. Good. I noticed a little envelope on the couch with my name on it. She said it’s a thank you from her and I can read it later and I put it in my bag. She asked me what’s in the bag. I said I brought pictures if we get to them and I told her I had an extra (it was brand new and still sealed) wall calendar if she wants it for 2010. I pulled it out and commented it’s pretty – with flowers (I think it was called Gorgeous Gardens). She said yes, if I’m sure I don’t want it. No, I don’t need it and she took it. She went on to ask me how it was after our last session because she saw how hard it was for me. Yes, it was hard and I think we need to talk about it because I don’t know what to do now. What are we doing, where do we go from here with it. But first I wanted to talk about some other things. Here's what she wrote on the thank you card. Dear (My Name),Thank you so much for the borders gift card. How Thougtful and perfect because I am always buying another book!(Her Name) First I told her I had that other test yesterday and everything came out fine. I know the difference between the 2 tests. Both check blood flow but they are in different directions and one is for the veins (last week) and one is for the arteries (this week). So we’ll do physical therapy but I’m afraid they may want at some time an MRI. I was talking to someone there yesterday who about to have it and I think she took valium because she got sleepy. I just don’t want that. She wrote things down about what I said and was a little confused and thought one test showed something different than the other. No, just that the test were different, I had to clarify. Then I said how I just called my son and the first thing he said was he’s driving and it’s a state law you can’t talk on a cell phone when you’re driving. I only wanted to know if he’s going up the state. Maybe. I reminded him it’s Christmas and a lot of things are not open. He cut me real short like he does a lot. I asked her what she’s doing for Christmas. Usually she has it at her house but her son and husband are going out west to see his family and she’s going to go to her cousins and she’ll be holding the fort down here. But the day after her sister and niece are coming in for 3 days so she assured me she won’t be alone. I told her how I hate Christmas because my Mom died then – 7 years ago we figured out. And there’s nothing for us to do. My cousin, who’s like her, said all the ones like me come over to his house. They see his family at some point. Then I talked about the party Monday night. They are different – loud and they do a lot of joking. I tried to talk to people and I did. Especially the girls uncle who’s a producer for movies in LA and his wife (not there – with her sick Mom in another state) does costumes for TV shows. He lives in the city where a children’s book I once wrote takes place in. But I haven’t had it published because I’m an unknown. He was challenging me, very outgoing, and telling me now a days you need to get out there socially like Twitter and Facebook and such. I do have accounts but don’t really do anything – just read sometimes. But we talked about being “friends” later. I said how I have this blog but no one reads it – I have no followers. He, and I know, I can put a link to it. But I told my therapist my friends and family can’t read it. It’s just for me and if anyone out there reads it for suggestions or what ever. This guy is very cute – very hot – like some I know here that I can add him to my list. And I talked to this 8th grade girl a lot who was very cute – we’ve decided we’re third cousins. My son’s girlfriends Mom said my son is good for her daughter because she talks a lot and he listens. She does. You don’t have to worry about any lulls in conversation when she’s in the room. But I worry about my son because he’s so very quiet. Not always – not with his many friends. When I showed her pictures of her she wanted to see if she looked like me. She said sort of. We’ll she’s slender like I am. But her hair is very curly – naturally. The Dad was like a handshake but the Mom was a hug. Then I said how when I go to strange places I always worry (she knows what about and I didn’t have to say it). They have a 2 story house so I figured there’d be a bathroom downstairs. I didn’t have to go but I wanted to and, what I assumed was the bathroom, the door was closed and someone was in there. I got that ‘oh no’ feeling and thought what do I do? I thought about going upstairs but then I realized that I didn’t have to go and I’d be OK. Later I went by and went and then another time. But I still do that with locked or closed doors. And when I was talking to her Uncle it was quite a while and the longer it got I got worried. But I tried to tell myself to stay focused on what he was saying. If I think about it I’d bring it on and I didn’t want to do that. It worked. That was good. When I go to these type of things I don’t drink very much. I’ll get something to drink but I don’t drink much of it. Then I talked about the friends party. How my friend ran his game, tried to change things and I let him but did say what I thought. Especially if they think I take charge too much. But it’s my natural instinct to get up and take charge with it. I organized the presents, helped people and such. I don’t want to say control because that would not be in a good way. It’s a good, helpful way and that’s how I am. I sat next to my grandson (I knew he’d want me to) and another guy I just tried not to look at. Usually I’m first to say the girls sit together but this time I didn’t. My two friends (in cahoots) sat next to each other on the other side of my daughter who was also sitting next to my grandson. I was so busy holding the baby and with my grandson. So we had a planning meeting and we started with New Years Eve. We go out to dinner and to a movie and then usually back to our house (last year we didn’t). I said about letting my friend’s sister’s family know and I got from the guy whose house it was that her sister would do that. And she gave me is snobby, “It’s already been discussed.” OK. My friend has only been asking me for the last several weeks on Sunday mornings. Then the snotty one called me up the next day on my cell. When I saw it, it was several hours later. She didn’t leave a message and I didn’t want to call her back. I didn’t need that. If she wants me she’ll call me. Well, 9:45 PM she did. First she said it looked like something was bothering me – but not about her. I don’t quite know what that was about. But they knew something was going on with my daughter because half of her family wasn’t there and earlier I told the guy of the house we were having a little mini crisis. She said my daughter acted fine. I just told her whenever something goes on with your kids you are concerned. But, I told my therapist, I acted fine. So we had a normal conversation after that. We are having the New Years party at my house (my kids will have the little kids) and my friend from Sundays wants everyone to give me some money or bring something. I don’t want money. I’m not like that. It’s really OK but I told him to do what he wants. He must have said something because last night I got an email from her (not talking – just an email) to let her know if she should bring anything. I just ignored it. But we will see them this weekend at a birthday party. I’ll just let it go unless someone asks. It’s really OK. I’m not like that. Some of our friends are kinda chinsy but we’re not. Then we talked a little about the birthday party at a restaurant on Sunday. How I can’t get myself worried about things. But the last time we went to a friends birthday party at a restaurant I had an accident going in and I had to sit and not get up. And if I did I had to use my coat to cover. She said I remember that. Yes. But then she said it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again. No. I glanced at the clock. It was only 25 after. I told her we’ll look at the pictures I brought. She came over closer and we looked. She first commented on how nice we are going to so many parties. First we looked at the ones we were holding the little baby but they didn’t come out very well. Then the family holiday pictures and the program my grandson was in. I pointed out the really cute ones and she saw my son’s girlfriend. That’s when she made the comment wondering if she looks like me. I said how I feel like I’m fat but when I put it in perspective about my daughter I don’t. She shook her head no. I asked her if I look fat because I feel fat – well not exactly fat. No. Even (I pointed to my belly). No. I said I feel like I am. One picture (a full length one) I said there I don’t look fat. She never wants to talk about it. Either she doesn’t want to push the issue because it’s not an issue (or shouldn’t be) or she thinks I am and doesn’t want to really say. Then we were finished looking and I knew we had to talk about what happened last time. It was hard for me to. She started out by asking me if we do anything special on Christmas when my Mom died – light a candle or such. We don’t but we could. Nothing special though. Then she said how when we did that on Monday I was real upset about my Mom. Yes, how I missed out on things and such. I was about in tears and she saw. She told me it was OK but I said how I didn’t want to cry. She said something about how she believes when people die and they are up in heaven they look down at things in a good, better way. I did tell her the story about just going to go to my other friends house as a final good bye (she was like a second Mom to me and she died a few days later – like a double whammy) and we got the phone call. I looked in my closet and I didn’t know what to wear. She asked me if it was a sudden thing. We knew what she had, but yes it was sudden. I was just talking to her the night before. So we got to the hospital (she worked for bjc but consulted there a little because her friend works there) just when the ambulance pulled up. And I know she waited to see me. I remember the look in her eyes and she squeezed my hand but couldn’t talk. I asked her where we go to from here with that. She said we don’t have to do anything today. We can keep today lighter. But we can use the light bar on certain instances and talk more about it. Then I can use my nurturing self to get through it. I told her I don’t want to cry. She said, “You don’t want to cry, you don’t want to throw up, you don’t want to pee pee (1st time she’s said that word – she’s so professional usually – but that was OK – good for a change), you don’t want to scream. You just want to hold everything in. That broke my sad feelings and we laughed. I did tell her, “Oh, I can scream. I can do that!” She smiled. But I think she was teasing me in a way and trying to lighten things up a bit. But she said it that it’s OK to cry and not let everything in. At one point, though, I said I didn’t want to talk about it any more and she didn’t push to do it. She’s like that. She asked me if I ever cry and break down. Sometimes but I try not to. I reminded her there’s been some times that I’ve called her up crying and then wanted to stop myself right away. I said how I’m afraid. She asked me if I’m afraid I’d get lost in it. Yes. She said it’s OK to cry a little and then leave it – let it be. She even said about my Mom on Christmas day. It’s OK to look at pictures or whatever, cry and then let it go. I didn’t say but it’s not that easy and I’d be doing it alone and that’s sad, too. And, I also didn’t say that I’m not only afraid I’ll get lost in it, I’m afraid I’ll start going to the bathroom – especially with her. Like she’s never seen it before! But still! Then she started talking about something completely off but not really. She rarely shares with me and I like it when she does. She’s a real person, too. But this kind of mind boggled me. She told me that once a year, and she can count on it every year (sometimes 2 times a year) that she gets some kind of flu and wakes up in the middle of the night or when she first gets up and has to go throw up. She dreads it, doesn’t look forward to it at all, but deals with it while it’s happening and makes it though. Once she questioned why she was talking about this but then said just that. I questioned it a couple times. I think once she said it’s good exposure for me. I asked more about it. She said she doesn’t remember as a child but as an adult she gets this. No one else gets it. Her husband doesn’t do it. But she knows when it’s going to happen. She doesn’t know the night before – just when she gets up. I asked her how many times she does it. She told me six times – maybe up to 10 times! Wow! That just scares me. And she says how awful she feels. I asked her if she comes in to work. No, she has to cancel her appointments (she doesn’t like doing that) and stays in bed. She feels really bad and has a headache, too. It lasts about 12 hours. She doesn’t eat but she throws up that many times anyway. After about 12 hours she can start drinking some ginger ale. I asked her if it’s happened with me. No – not on any of the days she’s seen me. I asked her when the last time it happened. She doesn’t remember. I said maybe it’s something she ate since no one else gets it. She said maybe or just overdoing it. I laughed and told her maybe she thinks she’s riding in a car and is carsick like she used to do. She didn’t throw up all during chemo or any of her surgeries. I told her how that was scaring me. I would hope she would say it’s not that bad and it’s over and she’s fine. And, in the middle of this I needed to go to the bathroom. I glanced at the clock, let her finish and then said something. She said I went longer in the session this time. Good. But we kept talking. I tried to hold it and listen, talk and ask questions all at the same time. I sat with my legs crossed, maybe moving a little. I kept asking more, she’d tell me and she didn’t say anything about me having to go like sometimes she does. She asks me if I want to go when she can tell it’s getting harder. But nothing and I think I was wincing some. But I did good at concentrating on our conversation – what a conversation! So during the midst of this I said, “And I have to go pee!” and got up and went. I came back and asked, “Tell me again why you are telling me this.” She smiled and said she didn’t know but then we said what she said before. Like you don’t have to like things but you can get through them. Like she said earlier, she’s still alive. She’s survived it every time it happens. I asked her if she’s trying to tell me something – doesn’t she know something I don’t know. She asked about me. Me or her. No. She told me she’s a different person and I’m not her. She told me to leave this conversation there. Don’t carry it with me. Do you think I want to – not but I can’t help but think about it a lot. That’s a lot of times to throw up and she does that at lease once a year – maybe 2 times! I’m hoping she was telling me that’s not going to happen to me! Ever! She even said once that just thinking about it now she’s not looking forward to it happening but it will. And how this is one of the things she most (then changed it to there’s other things too) dreads every year. She said how she can watch something on TV and it will upset her but then she stops watching it so she doesn’t carry it with her. But this could happen and that scares me. I think that’s when she said it happens to her and I’m not her. Right. When I asked her what it was like she said really bad. Does she know ahead of time. Yes. I asked her how long she thinks it’s been since I’ve thrown up. She didn’t know. Age 7. She was surprised and told me no wonder – I’m not experienced with this. No and I don’t want to be! I told her I’ve gagged and dry heaved but since seven since I haven’t thrown up. That’s why I don’t know. And – I don’t want to know! I said it was a bad experience – I was not in control. She said there’s that control, or out of control thing again. Yes. But we didn’t talk more about that. She said that when it’s happening she feels really bad but she looks forward to when she’s feeling better again. I said I know that like when I have a bad cold. If my throat hurt and then I’m feeling better than I can sing to my music again. We smiled. So we ended and I told her to have a Merry Christmas with her sister and niece. She knew I was seeing that other massage therapist next. I did. She had me lay down and it was wonderful. She concentrated a lot on my neck and back both laying on my tummy and on my back. I gave her, too, a 10.00 Borders gift card and the same candy. So I’m still thinking about it. I’m glad she shared. So very glad. I guess because I didn’t expect it to be this. I didn’t know that of her. And all the throw up videos we look at. And the pictures I brought in that she looked at but I haven’t yet. It doesn’t change anything but it does make me a little afraid that it’s a bug or something and I’m afraid to get it from her. That’s why I’m thinking it maybe isn’t. Just something with her body. I can look at it as a breakthrough that she finally shared about herself because I really do want to her to. It really doesn’t have to be all one sided – it feels funny sometimes. She’s a person, too and sometimes shared information about a person is very helpful. Makes you feel so not alone in things. And if I can help her – more power to it. My massage therapist shares a lot with me and it’s really nice. Other people have problems and issues – and even good things – and it’s nice to know that.