She Couldn't Be Helped
I hope you never know why people saying we have to accept that some people just can't be helped hurts me to the core. A couple of years before Cara's death when I was trying to get help for her I was told that my daughter as I had known her was gone, in effect dead to us... that drugs do that... Now I know people are meaning to be kind... to help us accept that drugs destroy the person that we knew and loved in effect... Many people tell parents and others who have a loved one who is using and abusing drugs that we have to let go and let them fall... and if that fall is a fatal one... well they didn't want help therefore they chose to die... I lived through this nightmare with Cara... and I've seen it with others... I personally believe when a person is so far gone not to be able to recognize the edge of the abyss is at their feet that we should be allowed to grab our child from that ledge and force them into a facility in a strait jacket if need be until such time as they understand that we are not going to let them destroy themselves... We would do that if we saw someone standing on the edge of a bridge or tall building to prevent them from jumping if we could get to them... Believe me the fall from addiction is just as deadly...
As Cara's 8th angel day October 30th approaches it seems like this year is worse than all the years before... I really am struggling and its an steep uphill climb. I'm sorry I'm not keeping up... but I'm lost right now and just struggling to hang on.
As Cara's 8th angel day October 30th approaches it seems like this year is worse than all the years before... I really am struggling and its an steep uphill climb. I'm sorry I'm not keeping up... but I'm lost right now and just struggling to hang on.
Replies
Oh my dear Elissa. I wish I could be there to cry with you and give you a hug. I agree that we should be allowed to help people who don\'t have the will or energy to help themselves.
You and Cara have been through so much. You did everything you could to help her. I know it may seem that you could have done more but hindsight is always 20/20. As moms, we did the best we could with what we knew.
Hang on my dear friend.
Love and huge caring hugs,
Marlene
Marlene is so right - as moms we always question what we did, or didn\'t do and what we could have done...the list is sometimes endless....WE AS MOMS DID THE BEST WE COULD DO WITH WHAT WE KNEW....It is hard to rest in that....I\'m with you - sending you hugs and praying for moments of peace for you today. Vicki
I am sitting with you where you are dearest Elissa and understand with all of my heart what you are describing. It is a terrifying place to find ourselves in to know that there was nothing we could do to keep our children earth side. Nothing...
This is a very tender time and just BE in it as you are and know you are being held by each of us who cares.
Hugs of care and inner peace,
XO Joanie
Elissa both of my sons suffered with addiction which ultimately took their lives.
I totally agree with you that even when an addict is too far gone, they are still worthy of help. It may not be the kind of help we are able to give, similar to us not being able to provide treatment if their illness was another disease. Professional care is where they would get the necessary treatment, so with the illness of addiction, they may also get to the point of needing professional help. Even with the best specialized Drs some patients don\'t survive their illness. Sadly....some don\'t survive the illness of addiction, even with professional help.
There is such a strong maternal urge to protect our children no matter what. A mom would do anything to help her child that isn\'t responding to specialized treatment. She feels it\'s her duty. But would we blame her if her child doesn\'t survive. Absolutely not. She will beat herself up thinking there was surely something she could have done, but the reality is there was nothing more she could do.
We did all we could possibly do to help our addicted child. The professionals did all they could, but their illness was just too advanced it wasn\'t responding to treatment.
For me, accepting what is, the cold hard facts, that as a mom I was powerless in saving my sons...... ticks me off to no end. It\'s not fair what happened to our children.....it\'s not fair what happened to us. With grief therapy Im learning.that in order to heal I have to let go of the guilt. Oh but such a difficult lesson indeed because I felt I deserved to feel guilty. My therapist had me step back & see myself from another person\'s perspective. Only then it became more clear to me that I was not guilty, I am not a bad person, rather I am a caring, loving mom who did everything in my power to help my boys. I think this is true of you too Elissa in helping your daughter, Cara.
I still work everyday on letting go of the guilt. I would like to walk with you dear friend as we both remember how loving & good we are. Perhaps that\'s where we may even find some healing. I love you my sweet \"sister of the heart\".
Hugs of understanding......Vicki ( Jeremy & Chad\'s mom )
Elissa, I totally understand the frustration, of not being to save our addicted child. I have been scared for years, that the drugs will destroy my daughter. She is in recovery now, almost two years. However, she was years recovered before and had a relapse. She has to pull herslf out of the hold of drugs. She went to detox and is in a half way home envirnment now. I am proud of her, but know that Addction is always there, waiting to pull her in. I agree that we should be legally allowed to force them into a facility, to save their lives. However, I have my doubts that will ever happen.
I have been in a severe depression lately too. I am so sorry that Cara was not able to be saved. I can\'t even immagine how horrifying that situation was for you. Just remember, you loved her, she knew it and you did everything you knew how to do, to try and save her.You will be reunited in Heaven, one day. If I am to believe everything I have been reading, their spirits are always with us. I choose to believe that. However, it does not stop the pain!!
Just remember, I am here, if you need me.
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Elissa, I have realized that people who \"know it all\", really know nothing!!! I am so sorry that you are hurting so much! Please be gentle with yourself. Your beautiful Cara never chose to be dead to you, she loved you way too much! The evil drugs lured her away and finally took her life. It was never her choice to die this way!
Gentle hugs, my sweet friend! xxx
Elissa, I am right there with you! WIthin a week or so of my son\'s overdose, my own mother asked me \"Would you really want Michael back the way he was?\". I could not believe she said it! My brother (her son) is a bad alcoholic. I told her that her when Michael was alive, there was always hope. And that the question she was asking me was the same thing as saying that she wished my brother would hurry up and die because of the way he is! She said that yes, she saw what I was saying. My younger living son is a recovering addict and in fact, a worse addict than Michael was. I will not even go into the nightmare of about 15 years that I have lived in with my son\'s addictions. I have done things that boggle my own mind! And I heard the whole gambit of \"tough love\" and been told many times that I had to let my son \"go\". I have been told that I do entirely too much for my son. And it still persists, even though Jason has 10 months clean now. My mother tells all the family how stupid it is that my son drives my 2 year old car while I drive his really old car with 228,000 miles on it. Guess what? It is no ones business! I have reasons and it is my car. I have been way up there on the \"enabling\" line, I admit that. I never saw a reason to give up on either of my sons. But I have not, and will never, let anyone tell me to just give up on my son as if he is dead already. My dad always did say I was a hard headed person LOL! I have redeemed my son\'s things at the pawn shop so many times that they knew me there, even though I cringed walked into the place. Okay, so this was my way and maybe not the correct or best way, but Jason is clean now and doing great. Had I abandoned him, there is no doubt in my mind that he would be either living on the streets being an active heroin shooter or he would be dead. No doubt. Instead, he has a job, goes to apprenticeship school to become a sheet metal mechanic, attend meetings and even is often asked to be a speaker. I will be attending his 1 year anniversary soon (I, hope. I never take anything for granted). Elissa, it is completely true that addicts cannot be helped unless they want to help themselves. Jason always did hate what he called \"the monkey on my back\". As long as he had hope himself, I had hope for him. I did finally realize that I could not save my son unless he wanted saving. What an analogy about a suicidal person on a bridge or building. Yes, we would grab them and they would be locked up in a mental ward. I will not ramble any more, but suffice to say that I have no regrets on what I have done to help my son, even when I knew that I was his greatest enabler. I will be thinking of you on October 30th. Michael\'s Angel Date comes up next month on November 22nd. A tough month for me...My b/d falls on the 9th and of course, we will have Thanksgiving. Hugs, Elissa!
I don\'t think any one chooses to die, even an addict. I know that my son\'s death was really an accident and he was messing around with prescription drugs at the time. I believe that some people fall before they even get or want help and some even fall 6 feet under and its to late. I am so sorry about your Cara and your pain. I am kind of going through some thing similar. Hugs to you, XOX, Debbie
You are absolutely correct. There are simply not enough mental health clinics, hospitals for addiction, etc. All the $ gone to Arab countries who do not want to change! We need the $ here for our kids, theirr addictions, mental health, education. I am rright there with you dear Soth, love, Abby
I agree that doctors cannot save everyone, whether it is addiction, cancer, cystic fibrosis, or a car accident. Why some live and others do not, is truly a question that we have no answer for. So what do we do with this in our heads? We have to continue to honor our children, one day at a time. Peace to you all. Love, Kathy
I couldn\'t agree with you more! I would go to the end of the earth and back to help my son as much as I possibly could. It took me a long while to get over my guilt of the \"could\'ve, should\'ve, would\'ve\" but I now know that I did all that I possibly could to save him.
Oh Elissa, my heart is with you as you approach Cara\'s angel day. Just feel what you need to feel and let the tears flow where they may. Sending you a big tight understanding hug.
Diane
I know so well what you are feeling. My son often said \"Don\'t give up on me, Mom\" and I never did but I couldn\'t save him and that makes me so angry and so very sad. I pray for peace for you, Love Rose
I hear your heart and I cry with you my friend.
Oh, Elissa, I hear what you have said. And all these responses are so full of love... FMO is truly a place where we can come and know we are supported. The tears are flowing for my Jason as I know he wanted to be helped and I didn\'t save him. It\'s so very difficult to live with this fact.
Always with love, prayers, and hugs. Sharon
{{{{HUGS}}}}