Sharing some heart-felt feelings, which will help me re-balance my focus <3 :)

Hi angel friends, Happy 4th of July :) i'm going to post a 4th of July journal later on today, with sharings, and lots of pictures of our plants :) this is a rare early journal for me today, that i need to write, and have wanted to write, but haven't felt confident enough to really share, what's in my heart. my mom, and Holly, and you all, our dear angel friends really have encouraged me, and reassuring me, that it's ok to write, to share some heart-feelings, and to be able to reach out for support. i'm not  use too asking for support, i am more comfortable giving support. it's easier for  me to support, but i feel it be best to write here, as writing this today, will help me get my balance of my focus back. it's not been easy lately, emotionally with lots going on here in our home, and other members of our family, that have leaned on me. i've reached a point, where i've felt some deep hurt feelings, and emotions of frustration, and sadness. almost like, feeling used, run down, and taken advantage of. it's an uncomfortable feeling, and it really has clouded up  my thoughts that are usually pure focused. i'd do anything i could to help my family and friends. i've been dealing with some hurt feelings, that have gone very deep into my heart, because of some attitudes, and rudeness here at home from others. it's never everyone, just a few family members, that i feel are expecting too much ,and not giving me the same respect and fairness, that others in our family who do less, get. i've always wanted to feel like on an equal level with my  other siblings, and for all my family has done for me, over the years, i've  wanted to pay it forward by being there for them. i've noticed, a trend of behavior from some ,that is borderline emotionally abusive to me, and i'm worried about it, as i have a kind ,gentle caring heart, and i always want to give, give, and give, and it can be hard for me to say no, as i get these deep feelings of guilt. lately, i've been under a great amount of emotional stress, that has really taken it's toll on me, from the over-bearing leaning on from some of my family members. i'm disappointed, and feel like i've been walked all over, which is a very uncomfortable feeling. i'm writing with an open heart here, and want to give everyone here a glimpse of some of my inner feelings, of not being treated fairly, and having a hard time coping with the emotions, of unfairness, and disrespect. 

i've shared a little bit, about how some of my family members have been leaning on me, financially. it's frustrated me, as i've taken on their responsibilties, when they should be in charge of their own. it's like, i've become the fall back person, where they can spend, spend, spend, and they know, Chris is there to help when i'm broke. whether it's car bills, car insurance, rent, cell phone bills, groceries, and lots more. i'm only one person, and i'm never thinking of myself being better than anyone, ever, but i know in my heart, when it comes to money, i tend to be more responsible than some of my other family members. it's become a burden on me though, to the point where, some of my family members, use too borrow $20 or so, and it's become hundreds, and even now, 3 family members that owe me, a total of over $3400. it takes it's toll. i always felt proud to help, but lately, i've been getting some attitude mistreated from some of them, that's affected my heart. it seems, when a family member borrows, they are very nice, kind in the moments, but i swear, a day or two later, and it's like they could care less, about my feelings, and the 2 people i'm talking about, are my dad, and my sister Lisa. i'm very disappointed in them, for many of these reasons. Alyssa and Jenn, they borrow, but they aren't like my dad and Lisa been, it's like, this attitude from them. Kayla has this attitude too. she's rude, and she's changed a lot, she's not that same person we all knew years ago during all of those baking friday adventures. for example, yesterday she was in the kitchen ,and she seems to always have this attitude, where she's mad or something. i've helped her financially at times, and use my printer, for her to print out documents she sometimes needs. yesterday i'm making my morning tea, and was washing my hand on right side of the sink, she was making toast, she tossed very hardly this butterknife right into the left side of the sink, it startled me, my thinking was, "what's her problem?" i told my mom about it. 

my dad, has an attitude lately too. i feel really bad about this situation too. my dad in recent years, borrowed $1400 numerous times, $1200, a couple times, $800, and more, and it was for the cars, bills, insurance, our home ultilities, and things like that. he would be nice, during these times when he asked to borrow the money, but a day or two later, that attitude would come, and it's uncomfortable. he's got a real issue with his attitude, and i don't think he realizes it, he's not the easiest person to talk too, and has that attitude of the dad in the "wonder years" show from the 1980's. i've always been cool with my dad, and i truly appreciate all he does, we all do, but when he first came to me for money a few years ago, and i helped, it was one of the most proudest moments, i've ever had. i was thinking, "wow, my dad's coming to me for help, finacially", and it was my opportunity, not my brother Bobby, brother Charlie, or my sister's Jenn and Lisa, but Me. he came to me, for help and i felt so very proud. over the years, i just feel like i was 5th in line when it came to the order of respect here in our family, and here i was, my dad coming to me for help, i wanted to jump up and cheer, but i didn't, but i acted cool, like. "hey, i got you, no problem" and i was very proud. i felt like the first time in my life, where i had this responsibility level, where my dad was asking me for help. it made me very proud. over time, i felt like, he began to get this attitude, like, he would not respect me, and that hurt my feelings, because it made me feel, like, my help, wasn't being appreciated. it really hurt me deeply, and it was like, almost becoming an expected thing me, which i wrote about earlier in the spring ,about how he and my mom went to captain scott's, to get fritters and cole slaw, and didn't invite Holly and i. i was deeply hurt, because i felt, here i was, the one who helped them get their car, and getting the engine fixed, and didn't even get to go, but they bring my older brother Charlie, ciggarettes, and bring him money to buy ciggarettes too. i felt hurt, and betrayed, and i felt like, what do i have to do, to get the same respect? to be just invited, it's not asking for me, but it really broke my heart. 

my dad of course, is finacially set for some time, now, with the lawsuit and everything, from the december 12th ,2020 incident when he was at work, and i feel like, his attitude toward me, has worsened. i always help out around the house, i pick up a lot, and i help with our pets, and our yard, and  all those times i helped, i feel like it got me absolutely  no respect. Holly and i wish, and hope ,my dad would walk around the yard with us to check the plants, and garden, but he doesn't, but my brother Charlie, stops by and he will sit with him ,for an hour and a half, talking. it's like, i don't matter, and i'm only the one who helped out finacially. i have a lot of hurt feelings this has brought up, my dad, he taught Charlie, Bobby, Lisa, Jenn, all how to drive a car, but never taught me. why? i don't know, and don't know why i was skipped over. i talk to my mom and Holly, i tell them, i helped my dad with money more than my other siblings combined, have helped him. i've helped him more, yet i get the no respect, and it hurts my heart. Bobby barely comes around, Charlie drinks and smokes, Lisa is barely around now, and Jenn is Jenn, what am i? i'm the loyal, faithful, helpful son, and i'm there. that's gotta count for someone, and i admit, i never really want to think of myself better than them ,but i have helped more, and it hurts my heart where i feel like, i get no support, or respect form my dad. my dad on saturday, for 9 hours,  every once in a while, talked about checking the light fixture in our hallway here, and he wants to check another one too, that needs repairing, and i go upstairs during the evening ,and he's got his draftkings app on, and playing th slots. now he can do what he wants, but i believe playing draftkings slots, is not more important than the safety of light fixtures in our home ,that could be a fire hazard. i see lots of backwardsness with things like this. i'm disappointed in my dad, i truly am, and i feel like he needs to earn my respect back, and my trust, because of his behavior.

Lisa, i recently loan, $900 to to help her with her car, insurance, expenses, she pays me back $50 a week, every tuesday. it'll be like that another 4 months. there's been times, when i was hoping she'd pick up an iced coffee, for Holly and i, and she complained to my mom, about getting a second coffee. i'm like, "what! i loan her money, and fund her Christmas spendings in recent years, and she can't even do that small favor for me, every once in a while". it makes me very upset, and disrespected again. it seems, they can ask for HUGE  money favors, but i ask for a small one ,and i get an attitude. Lisa has changed a lot. she's just, caught up in her new life of times she's in now, but she needs to know, it's me, the reason her car is on the road and her able to drive it, and i don't go saying that, but the lack of feelings, and care, and lack of respect for me, that has  me upset, because i help, and i do  everything i can to help, and i seem like i get the short end of the stick, not just the short end, it's like the small stick that's broken  in half, and i get that short end of the short end. it's that upsetting. 

i help Alyssa, she does get some foods, for Holly and i, and she gets baking friday supplies for us each week. i don't really have an issue helping her, i just wish she was better with money. Jenn and Mike, need to do better with their money too. a couple weeks ago, i'm shopping at the dollar tree,  my mom gets a call for Jenn, my mom comes and finds me and Holly in the store, and says Jenn needs rent money, and asking for $770, i don't want to see them without a home, i help, but a day later, they going camping ,and need $100 more to get a grill for camping, i helped. i didn't go to the BBQ with Holly yesterday, because, the smoke from the wood fire, and also other people there, just didn't feel comfortable about it, and my mom said, she felt uncomfortable too, and was glad Holly and i decided to stay home. i was hoping maybe Jenn and Mike would send a burger home or something, but  sent Salads, it's ok, and i don't expect anything, but i believe they need to be a bit more accomodating when it comes to the comfortability level of their family members. we wouldn't have  them over here, and people in our neighborhood, if they felt uncomfortable. sometimes, you need to have a BBQ with just family. plus, the virus is going on, Holly and i don't know where those other people been, and if they are well. after september 2021, we don't take any chances we don't need to take. we love to do things with family, it's just, often there's times where we don't get invites, and sometimes we just love to be home, in our garden, we were indoors a lot in the winter, the garden season is rocking, and we love to get out in nature in our yard and garden. we're busy with birthday's and holidays all year, the summer time, we like to stay fairly close to home, we enjoy our down time ,we don't want to push ourselves out of our comfort zones, the pandemic is still going on, and we gotta keep taking good care.

my brother Bobby and i, don't have much a relationship. i tried to connect with him about the coins collecting ,but he got very judgemental, where i tried to please/surprise him with some of my coins purchases, and he put my coins down, i don't like talking coins with him anymore. i'm very thankful to be writing here today. i need to share these feelings, and what i've had going on. my mom talks with me a lot about family issues, and i talk with her too. i just want to be treated better, and respected. it means a lot to me. i feel respected, i feel appreciated here on DS, and i feel respected and appreciated by my mom and Holly :) i wish my family respected me more, and appreciated me more. i need to step back, and not help them financially. i really do. i want to write a 4th of July journal later, the way i love to write, it'll be great to share in the day :) i just needed everyone here, to know, what's been going on here at home, in our family, and in my heart feelings <3 thank you all, our dear angel friends, for always making me feel like i'm worthy, and like i'm equal :) thank you :) i love you all, and i will always be here for you too <3

i'm taking a deep emotional breathe here, writing this, and it's good for my heart, spirit, and soul :) Holly and i are gonna water our plants today, making some ice cream root beer floats, and gonna enjoy this beautiful day, America's birthday :) i'll be posting a journal this evening around 5pm , with lots of pictures :) we wish everyone, a healthy, safe, and happy 4th of July holiday :) Treat yourself well, and enjoy some spirit soaring times, that makes your heart happy :) You deserve it :)