Shame and longwinded ranting
I don't even know where to begin. I drink. I drink ALOT. I want to stop. I want the pain to end. When I'm drinking, I fight with my husband. Even last night he mentioned filing for divorce. I told him to just fucking do it. Did I mean it? No. Will he ever leave me? Most likely not.
My daughter deserves better. Poor thing is sick today. Her forehead is burning up and all I can do is give her Tylenol and let her rest. Telling a 3 year old to rest is total bullshit though. She doesn't have time to rest...there is too much to get into.
I have my reasons for wanting to quit drinking...as does everyone in my situation. I'm going to list them and for those of you who don't want to read, stop now.
Reason #1) I'm killing myself slowly. They say 1 five ounce glass of wine a day is healthy...how about a whole freakin' bottle? Or two sometimes? Liver damage, cardiovascular problems, severe depression...you name it.
Reason #2) My marriage is in trouble. When my husband and I drink, we fight. We fight ALOT. There are things that bother me and when I'm sober, I keep them to myself. When I drink, I'm mean as hell and pretty much tell him he's a piece of shit father. I don't believe that, but I do want more help than I'm getting.
Reason #3) My daughter doesn't deserve to have a mother who can't give her the time of day. I don't ignore her, and I do love her more than anything, but she deserves more. She deserves a set nighttime routine, a pottytraining lesson, and a clean home.
Reason #4) I don't clean. Even sober it takes an energy drink to give me motivation to clean. Our home is not unsanitary, but it's definitely not organized either. She's picking up my habits of being lazy and doesn't pick up her toys anymore. :(
Reason #5) Depression and anxiety. I am on 50 mg of Zoloft a day. Alcohol negates it all. If I miss a dose, I have panic attacks. I almost wonder that if I quit drinking, would I even NEED Zoloft? I don't want to find out. I mean, I won't stop taking my meds. I can't handle the panic attacks.
Reason #6) I've gained weight. Being that I'm still under 337 lbs (my max weight before my gastric bypass), I tell myself that I'm happy with it, but I'm not. My last step on the scale showed 216. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I was at my all-time lowest, 165. I want to get back there. Alcohol is the main culprit (but fast food and being lazy has a big part as well).
I'm done venting for now, but I do have more reasons. Maybe I'll post more later.
My daughter deserves better. Poor thing is sick today. Her forehead is burning up and all I can do is give her Tylenol and let her rest. Telling a 3 year old to rest is total bullshit though. She doesn't have time to rest...there is too much to get into.
I have my reasons for wanting to quit drinking...as does everyone in my situation. I'm going to list them and for those of you who don't want to read, stop now.
Reason #1) I'm killing myself slowly. They say 1 five ounce glass of wine a day is healthy...how about a whole freakin' bottle? Or two sometimes? Liver damage, cardiovascular problems, severe depression...you name it.
Reason #2) My marriage is in trouble. When my husband and I drink, we fight. We fight ALOT. There are things that bother me and when I'm sober, I keep them to myself. When I drink, I'm mean as hell and pretty much tell him he's a piece of shit father. I don't believe that, but I do want more help than I'm getting.
Reason #3) My daughter doesn't deserve to have a mother who can't give her the time of day. I don't ignore her, and I do love her more than anything, but she deserves more. She deserves a set nighttime routine, a pottytraining lesson, and a clean home.
Reason #4) I don't clean. Even sober it takes an energy drink to give me motivation to clean. Our home is not unsanitary, but it's definitely not organized either. She's picking up my habits of being lazy and doesn't pick up her toys anymore. :(
Reason #5) Depression and anxiety. I am on 50 mg of Zoloft a day. Alcohol negates it all. If I miss a dose, I have panic attacks. I almost wonder that if I quit drinking, would I even NEED Zoloft? I don't want to find out. I mean, I won't stop taking my meds. I can't handle the panic attacks.
Reason #6) I've gained weight. Being that I'm still under 337 lbs (my max weight before my gastric bypass), I tell myself that I'm happy with it, but I'm not. My last step on the scale showed 216. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I was at my all-time lowest, 165. I want to get back there. Alcohol is the main culprit (but fast food and being lazy has a big part as well).
I'm done venting for now, but I do have more reasons. Maybe I'll post more later.
Replies
I love you! And so does your godson who turned 7 today. I told him about the day he was born again & how his godmama Jess never left my side. It doesn\'t mean much to a 7 yr old, but it does to you and I. I wish I had encouraging words to help you, but all I got is: kick this hunny! YOU need to! I love you & I want for you to be happy & healthy! Happy birthday to being a godmama! And we love & adore you! We miss you!