Sex, Violence, and Rock n Roll
Ugh, not even sure where to start. I just know that I feel better when I journal a lot of this head crap, but I haven't even been able to muster the energy to do that.
Today is 11 weeks out.
11 weeks since I dropped to my knees clutching my chest not able to breathe repeating to myself over and over again,
"You are not going to die here and now, this is not going to kill you now, they will not find you here now. You are not going to die here and now, the kids are not going to find you dead in front of the computer with an email from some woman to their father telling him she wanted him to slide his cock into her. You are not going to die here now like this. You are not going to die here now"
Over and over and over.
Sometimes I still feel like that.
I have had several days of just feeling down, blah, creepy crawly skin, itchy, idk how to explain it any better than that. Maybe part of it is pms.
I have been on celexa for 3 weeks now. And trazodone at night to help me sleep. Can't tell if they helping or not. Dr. said I could take 2 trazodone if I needed to. I've been taking one and seemed to be working, but the last 4 nights or so I've been tossing and turning waking up often again. Couple nights ago H said I was talking in my sleep, not something I usually do, said I sounded mad and was hollaring at someone named Troy or Roy. Funny, I don't know anybody named Troy or Roy. :)
I do think it's affecting my sex drive. ugh. We were in the hb phase. I say were, because in the last couple weeks it has become sporadic. Idk what all may be responsible for that. Combination of things I suppose. My head is churning a lot lately, mind movies of her. Thinking of him driving to see her. Anger. Just starting to creep in.
Then there's the vicious circle : I'm not 'jumping his bones' like I was, he'll kinda hint around about it or make a couple passes, or hell I've even come out and said 'yes I want to have sex tonight' and then later because I'm not climbing all over him, he'll say 'you're not in the mood, you're tired, it's ok honey, we can just go to sleep, I understand'. And ya know what? That pisses me off!
For one because he's telling me I'm not in the mood.
Two, maybe I'm not over the top in the mood, but if we just get this party started I'll feel better afterwards, ya know what I mean?
Three, I feel rejected then. My mind starts the ' oh he's just making excuse , he's really not in the mood. He doesn't want me' ugh.
Four, this is going to sound strange, but 2 days without seems like 6, It's a bad negative feeling I can't exactly explain.
But I do know that leading up to the A our sex life had gone to hell, with me being depressed and not dealing with the grief over my mom, and I think H being depressed too. It had become sporadic in the beginning,a week in between, then two. The last time we had sex was in July. He went and saw tow the one time in August. We didn't have sex again until a couple days after dday, November 9. That had never been us before. I didn't like it, I felt horrible about it. I didn't know how to change it or what was going to happen with us. In the beginnning of this we were fighting a lot. Then it was resigned silence. I could see H reaching out to touch me sometimes and stop just short, and a pained look would come over him. Now after the fact of the A is known he has told me he felt unworthy of touching me or being with me. Maybe. But I do not want to go down that road again. And going just a couple days without makes me worry that it will happen again.
Ok enough about sex. Now the violence.
So yesterday I was watching the news. yes we are news junkies, and they were talking about weather, and the tornadoes in Alabama. Being a kansas girl I am very aware of and have witnessed first hand the devastation that can happen. I am very sympathetic to any who lost loved ones, and homes and cherished momentos.
However.
Tornado has become a trigger for me. Yeah I know sucks to be me, living smack dab in tornado alley. But H is originally from Joplin. He and tow reconnected in early June after the big one tore through Joplin on May 22. They were among the tons of people chatting and comparing pics and stories etc about Joplin. They were bf/gf the summer he was 14 and she 15. He lost his virginity to her.
Ok I rambled a bit, and while yes tornadoes are violent, and triggers can also be violent, the real point is this; when they were showing the radar of the storms and talking about 'May like storms in January' and I saw the storms were going to miss us, but going to skim by the little town on the Kansas border outside Joplin where tow now lives, my first thought was I wish tornado would just wipe her out of existance.
I am ashamed. That shocked me to the core. Again as I type this I ask for God's forgiveness. When this happened , yesterday morning , early , h and I were sitting in the bed watching the news. He knew I had had some thought, cuz I was shaking my head muttering lol. He asked "what?" I replied nothing.
Again he asked "what?" again I replied "nothing". He says "now honestly tell me what you are thinking". I have been having a little trouble lately sharing some the errant thoughts that run through my head, trying to just shut them off, and 'honestly' is our new code word for ' come on open up'.
So I looked at him, mustered up my courage and told him the thought that had run across my brain like lightning. He looked shocked, said 'wow that is not like you'. "yeah, I know, and I don't like it at all"
And I don't. Not one bit. I do not want to go there or be that person. Violence. Anger.
Rock n Roll
So I made a short journal entry the other day about the Huey Lewis and the News song 'Happy To Be Stuck With You" that came on the radio when I was driving and how it made me into a blubbering, cry baby, idiot. The song really is a good one, if you've never heard it, or its been since the 80's when you did :) I recommend listening to it. It's about a long marriage, ups n downs, drifting apart, and coming back together.
I told H later that evening about hearing it and crying and he just hugged me. Later that evening he told me he is so thankful every day for being here, with me and the kids. That every day when he wakes up he is thankful, even when I've kept him up till 5 am talking and then he's gone to work all the next day, and can barely remember getting through the day, he is thankful, and even when I am moody and irritable he is thankful. I don't remember him ever saying that before. It was nice. He repeated it again the next day.
He is doing so many of the right things, but I want more.
Monday will be my bday, 42. ick. I will officially have been with my h for half of my life.
I am not looking forward to my bday or valentines or my anniversary on Feb 27.
I did tell H that I don't want any cards from him , couple reasons. First, he doesn't really read them, all the mushy crap,whether giving or receiving, just signs them. Second, tow sent him several mushy miss you cards wish you were here I love you crap. I don't want that from him.
I did tell him he could write me a nice long love letter, I would like that,, we'll see what he does. They both say he never sent her any snail mail like she did him.
Ok and finally, here's a doozy. Kind of a two-parter.
First, I keep hearing from friends I chat with here, and especially from mc, how great I am doing. Specifically mc said I am an amazing survivor. How others he has seen over the years who have dealt with only some of the baggage I have from my life can only approach where I am. That I am strong.
Yeah. That's nice. I felt a split second of 'good'. and then,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Are you Freakin Kidding Me? I am strong? I feel weak. I'm a survivor? I don't feel like it, I feel like I'm going to keel over any day from the weight of it all.
Second part. H said that his greatest fear is that we will go through all the steps in the healing process, but 5 or even 10 years down the line that I will come to decide, that while I forgive him, that I cant live with it any more, and I'll leave. That he's worried that my need to always fix everything, take care of everyone else, make everyone else feel better, that I may not be honest with myself until much later.
Now put those two things together and now I'm stressing and fearful that while other's think I am doing great, I don't feel like I am, and what if H is right? What if I can't 'survive' any more and I eventually crash and burn. And walk.
And just now while as I was wrapping my ramblings up, my h called to see how I am doing today and to tell me he loves me. I love him too.
Today is 11 weeks out.
11 weeks since I dropped to my knees clutching my chest not able to breathe repeating to myself over and over again,
"You are not going to die here and now, this is not going to kill you now, they will not find you here now. You are not going to die here and now, the kids are not going to find you dead in front of the computer with an email from some woman to their father telling him she wanted him to slide his cock into her. You are not going to die here now like this. You are not going to die here now"
Over and over and over.
Sometimes I still feel like that.
I have had several days of just feeling down, blah, creepy crawly skin, itchy, idk how to explain it any better than that. Maybe part of it is pms.
I have been on celexa for 3 weeks now. And trazodone at night to help me sleep. Can't tell if they helping or not. Dr. said I could take 2 trazodone if I needed to. I've been taking one and seemed to be working, but the last 4 nights or so I've been tossing and turning waking up often again. Couple nights ago H said I was talking in my sleep, not something I usually do, said I sounded mad and was hollaring at someone named Troy or Roy. Funny, I don't know anybody named Troy or Roy. :)
I do think it's affecting my sex drive. ugh. We were in the hb phase. I say were, because in the last couple weeks it has become sporadic. Idk what all may be responsible for that. Combination of things I suppose. My head is churning a lot lately, mind movies of her. Thinking of him driving to see her. Anger. Just starting to creep in.
Then there's the vicious circle : I'm not 'jumping his bones' like I was, he'll kinda hint around about it or make a couple passes, or hell I've even come out and said 'yes I want to have sex tonight' and then later because I'm not climbing all over him, he'll say 'you're not in the mood, you're tired, it's ok honey, we can just go to sleep, I understand'. And ya know what? That pisses me off!
For one because he's telling me I'm not in the mood.
Two, maybe I'm not over the top in the mood, but if we just get this party started I'll feel better afterwards, ya know what I mean?
Three, I feel rejected then. My mind starts the ' oh he's just making excuse , he's really not in the mood. He doesn't want me' ugh.
Four, this is going to sound strange, but 2 days without seems like 6, It's a bad negative feeling I can't exactly explain.
But I do know that leading up to the A our sex life had gone to hell, with me being depressed and not dealing with the grief over my mom, and I think H being depressed too. It had become sporadic in the beginning,a week in between, then two. The last time we had sex was in July. He went and saw tow the one time in August. We didn't have sex again until a couple days after dday, November 9. That had never been us before. I didn't like it, I felt horrible about it. I didn't know how to change it or what was going to happen with us. In the beginnning of this we were fighting a lot. Then it was resigned silence. I could see H reaching out to touch me sometimes and stop just short, and a pained look would come over him. Now after the fact of the A is known he has told me he felt unworthy of touching me or being with me. Maybe. But I do not want to go down that road again. And going just a couple days without makes me worry that it will happen again.
Ok enough about sex. Now the violence.
So yesterday I was watching the news. yes we are news junkies, and they were talking about weather, and the tornadoes in Alabama. Being a kansas girl I am very aware of and have witnessed first hand the devastation that can happen. I am very sympathetic to any who lost loved ones, and homes and cherished momentos.
However.
Tornado has become a trigger for me. Yeah I know sucks to be me, living smack dab in tornado alley. But H is originally from Joplin. He and tow reconnected in early June after the big one tore through Joplin on May 22. They were among the tons of people chatting and comparing pics and stories etc about Joplin. They were bf/gf the summer he was 14 and she 15. He lost his virginity to her.
Ok I rambled a bit, and while yes tornadoes are violent, and triggers can also be violent, the real point is this; when they were showing the radar of the storms and talking about 'May like storms in January' and I saw the storms were going to miss us, but going to skim by the little town on the Kansas border outside Joplin where tow now lives, my first thought was I wish tornado would just wipe her out of existance.
I am ashamed. That shocked me to the core. Again as I type this I ask for God's forgiveness. When this happened , yesterday morning , early , h and I were sitting in the bed watching the news. He knew I had had some thought, cuz I was shaking my head muttering lol. He asked "what?" I replied nothing.
Again he asked "what?" again I replied "nothing". He says "now honestly tell me what you are thinking". I have been having a little trouble lately sharing some the errant thoughts that run through my head, trying to just shut them off, and 'honestly' is our new code word for ' come on open up'.
So I looked at him, mustered up my courage and told him the thought that had run across my brain like lightning. He looked shocked, said 'wow that is not like you'. "yeah, I know, and I don't like it at all"
And I don't. Not one bit. I do not want to go there or be that person. Violence. Anger.
Rock n Roll
So I made a short journal entry the other day about the Huey Lewis and the News song 'Happy To Be Stuck With You" that came on the radio when I was driving and how it made me into a blubbering, cry baby, idiot. The song really is a good one, if you've never heard it, or its been since the 80's when you did :) I recommend listening to it. It's about a long marriage, ups n downs, drifting apart, and coming back together.
I told H later that evening about hearing it and crying and he just hugged me. Later that evening he told me he is so thankful every day for being here, with me and the kids. That every day when he wakes up he is thankful, even when I've kept him up till 5 am talking and then he's gone to work all the next day, and can barely remember getting through the day, he is thankful, and even when I am moody and irritable he is thankful. I don't remember him ever saying that before. It was nice. He repeated it again the next day.
He is doing so many of the right things, but I want more.
Monday will be my bday, 42. ick. I will officially have been with my h for half of my life.
I am not looking forward to my bday or valentines or my anniversary on Feb 27.
I did tell H that I don't want any cards from him , couple reasons. First, he doesn't really read them, all the mushy crap,whether giving or receiving, just signs them. Second, tow sent him several mushy miss you cards wish you were here I love you crap. I don't want that from him.
I did tell him he could write me a nice long love letter, I would like that,, we'll see what he does. They both say he never sent her any snail mail like she did him.
Ok and finally, here's a doozy. Kind of a two-parter.
First, I keep hearing from friends I chat with here, and especially from mc, how great I am doing. Specifically mc said I am an amazing survivor. How others he has seen over the years who have dealt with only some of the baggage I have from my life can only approach where I am. That I am strong.
Yeah. That's nice. I felt a split second of 'good'. and then,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Are you Freakin Kidding Me? I am strong? I feel weak. I'm a survivor? I don't feel like it, I feel like I'm going to keel over any day from the weight of it all.
Second part. H said that his greatest fear is that we will go through all the steps in the healing process, but 5 or even 10 years down the line that I will come to decide, that while I forgive him, that I cant live with it any more, and I'll leave. That he's worried that my need to always fix everything, take care of everyone else, make everyone else feel better, that I may not be honest with myself until much later.
Now put those two things together and now I'm stressing and fearful that while other's think I am doing great, I don't feel like I am, and what if H is right? What if I can't 'survive' any more and I eventually crash and burn. And walk.
And just now while as I was wrapping my ramblings up, my h called to see how I am doing today and to tell me he loves me. I love him too.
Replies
Okay. You need to ease up on yourself a bit. I know because when I first came here that is exactly what everyone told me...over and over and over.
If you find in a year or two or three that you just cannot get into a place where you are healthy and happy in this marriage then so be it. Some people cannot and you know what it\'s not a failing on them. The fail still falls to the CS. But you are not a year or two or three out. You are still counting weeks!
Get mad, get angry withdraw at times, spew at times. Let the extremes come and go but let them be what they are because you will find over time by not repressing and by not trying to always stay calm and even, you will moderate naturally. The dips and rises do even out and the rollercoaster becomes more like a winding hilly highway instead.
As for your thoughts about her....you had it, you recognized it for being out of character for you and you even felt bad about it. Many don\'t. As a Buddhist I am someone who practices non-violence. Let me make it clear I am NOT a passivist but I do not believe in using physical violence unless in self defense of yourself or the defenseless. So even as a Buddhist I will jump in if I think something really wrong is going on and trust me if my kids are ever threatened I will mess someone up real quick.
And even I had fantasies about pushing my OW in front of a bus. Have you seen the movie \"Mean Girls\", it was a lot like that.
As for this:
Second part. H said that his greatest fear is that we will go through all the steps in the healing process, but 5 or even 10 years down the line that I will come to decide, that while I forgive him, that I cant live with it any more, and I\'ll leave. That he\'s worried that my need to always fix everything, take care of everyone else, make everyone else feel better, that I may not be honest with myself until much later.
Well, that is a possibility and that is a fear your H has to come to terms with. That is part of the repercussions for his actions is he now lives in some uncertainty himself. The true test of a remorseful CS is are they willing to do the work to rebuild in spite of this uncertainty.
I always have to remind myself that you are only about 11 weeks out because you DO seem to have such a good understanding of your feelings. I think that is what is tough for you....you have a lot figured out in your mind as to the whys and how\'s but unfortunately it doesn\'t make it any better. We know the facts and they are hard to live with. My H told me last night that even when he is 75 yrs old he will always be reminded that he cheated on me and hurt me so bad. It\'s hard accepting that it will never go away.
Triggers freaking suck! I have started writing down my triggers. For some reason when I write them down and acknowledge they are a trigger they don\'t have such an impact on me. It\'s kinda like I see or hear trigger and say oh yeah, you SOB your already on my list and you didn\'t surprise me. It\'s an embarrassing list, I mean I have the movie The Incredibles (around 1 hr mark) on it. Geez! But seriously, it has helped.
The sex thing has been hell for me also. I had about 3 months of hb, but I had no idea what it was. Then I went thru the fear of, if I dont have sex with him he will resent me and start thinking of her again. Then finally about 1 month ago I read something somewhere that said to totally change your outlook on sex. Honestly I can\'t remember if I did read it in a book or someone advised me or I dreamed it up but it has helped me so much. First of all and I know this part was from me. The longer we had sex the worse I became. So I told my H that till further notice that I don\'t want long sex periods. I\'m so engaged at first but my mind starts to spiral the longer we went on. I had no idea what sex meant to men till I started reading about it. Boom! It just hit me, is part I read in a book and I will get you the name after I finish this entry. But basically I started having sex to reconnect with my husband on a sexual and emotional level. It has become so much more then he\'s horny, I\'m horny. It\'s like some kind of bond that I renew each time. I love it. He has told me he loves it, he said that he feels accepted and wanted. But I didn\'t start changing the rules for him, I did it for me. I needed to feel that we are connecting on such a deeper level then he ever did with the OW and their casual sex. Now, I absolutely love the put me up on the dryer and close the door and go at it type sex and we still have it. It\'s just each time it\'s a different mindset.
I am probably not doing the book justice. I will get it to you soon.
I think that the fears he is having are all part of his consequences. It\'s kind of like incentive to stay as close to you as possible. His fears might be a punishment from God...when you think about how we punish our kids when they do something wrong..we don\'t punish them because we want them to hurt. We punish them so they will feel the effects and make them never want to go down that road again. After all, we are Gods children and I\'m sure he is feeling chastised by God, with good reason. God doesn\'t want him down that path again.
And about you wishing the wicked witch could be caugh up in a tornado. You are human! Don\'t feel so bad. You can tell that you have a very loving heart and you seemed to reject the thought as soon as it came in. You were angry and you sinned not. It\'s ok to get angry and to think a mean thought or two....the important part is that you rejected them. One thing I needed to hear....give yourself permission to cry every once in awhile. Get in the shower and let it go! Lay in your pillow case and scream. I tried so long to hold it all in I would finally explode and destroy everything within a 15 mile radius. I love you Kansas! Day by day we are going to get a little stronger each day. You may have days where you take 3 steps forward and then 2 back the next...but you are still 1 day closer then you were.
What lotus said is right, you are still counting the weeks. This was a traumatic event. You are doing great. The CS\'s often feel like nothing they do is right because you aren\'t fixed yet. My h and walked on eggshells for a long time. He kept saying he was going to leave and find a hole to hide in because nothing he did was right. I finally told him to grow a pair and if he said that one more time he was out. You both are still trying to find your way. Don\'t fight the anger, the rage, the pain. It will come anyways. It doesn\'t make you a bad person to feel anger at someone who hurt you. This is a journey you and your h have to take with no guaranties that things will work out. If in 5 years you aren\'t together you can say you tried. This is the test that the CS has, do they have the stones to do the work knowing there is no guarantee.
Thanks guys for all the support. I know you all are right when you say I just have to ride it out. Keep working on the rebuilding, dont fight the anger when it comes. I\'m just exhausted.
Lotus, the mean girls comment made me laugh out loud :) thanks
Iam. we are reading His Needs Her Needs, and its helping.
We go to mc again tonight.
Book is called.. \"For Women Only\" by Shaunta Feldhahn
I\'m with the others on this. You\'re just weeks out. I too can recall people saying that I was handling this so well in the beginning. Here I am - 19 months out - and although I\'ve traveled a long hard road - I know I\'m not done.
On the sex thing - for past 3 years H has needed \"help\" in order to be a participant in it. Even with TOW, he needed it. In some respects that has helped me. Knowing that it wasn\'t me that couldn\'t get an erection from him - it was him. Yet - for that same reason - it\'s something that I just have a hard time with. He had to \"plan\" when they would have sex. Shit - if you have to go that far - you certainly can\'t blame it on \"just happening\". Know what I mean?
I also agree that your H fears that this may be something that you just can\'t live with. And he knows that it\'s his actions that caused the demise of his marriage, should it come to it. That\'s a hard pill to swallow too. I\'m a firm believer of Men are Mars, Women are from Venus. The thought processes are profoundly different on so many levels.
Give in to the anger, the resentment, the crying and feelings of despair. It is all part of the process. Hate to word it like that - sound like some kind of exercise that has nothing to with infidelity. We\'re here for you my friend.
you\'re not in the mood, you\'re tired, it\'s ok honey, we can just go to sleep, I understand\'.
Passive aggressive remark intended to make you feel guilty and have sex with him.
Ugh! Stupid affairs. There ought to be a legal punishment for a human causing this much pain to another. A pain that I fear will never go away. Hugs to you.
We haven\'t had any sex yet. H says he\'s scared, and definitely speaks for my drive; always has. That\'s half the reason we\'re in this mess. (Long story.) So if it makes you feel any better, you\'re doing better than me there. I had about two days of wanting hb, but H turned me down. Same flood of mixed feelings came along with that as you described above. His excuse: he\'s scared. I even sent him a nudie picture of myself and he returned it, said it made him sad. (tmi?) Nice! With hb, at least we would have gotten that big \"first time\" out of the way. Now it just hangs over us like a 500 lb gorilla.
Iamrestless -- do you mean by \"sex period\" from start to finish? replacing long evenings of sex with quickies? that might work for me.
Am planning to talk to my doc about meds. It\'s comforting to know that they are helping you. (I think? You didn\'t say whether they were.)
It\'s a huge challenge to deal with all their feeling bad about themselves on top of everything else we have to deal with. I don\'t go there. He can sit and cry about how much he hates himself for what he did and I just sit there and wait for it to be over. May just confirm in his mind that I\'m not caring enough (one of the stories he tells himself to justify the A in his head), but I don\'t care.
I\'m afraid I\'m not helping but piling on. Does the Sisterhood of the Jackass Husbands at least provide some feeling of companionship and comfort? I know it does for me.
Can\'t get H to read HNHN with me. Will try again. He\'s in a mode of \"let\'s just not talk about it and it will go away. I can also see my H sort of weighing the odds. \"If she\'s never going to have sex with me again / If she\'s going to leave me in a few years because she realizes she can\'t get over this, maybe I should get out now while I\'ve got a chance with OW.\" At least that\'s what I feel he\'s thinking. Maybe we\'re both weighing the odds.
Okay, I think I\'m just journaling now, so I\'ll just add my good wishes to those of the other here and give you a great big virtual hug!
Totally agree with everyone here. I remember that time which was not too long ago and I went through a big dip in my mood. But you\'ll work through it because you\'re stronger than you think!
Remember that commercial of the gorilla beating up on some luggage? That\'s you, a tough Samsonite that will get through this in sore of being slammed around
Sore = spite. Dang phone.
Yeah, 11 weeks isn\'t that long in the scheme of things. I think the uncertainty for both parties is what it is. No one knows, including me, if five years down the road if we\'ll still be together. Maybe one or both of us will hit some wall down the road that we simply can\'t get past.
Would I be sad I tried? No. We\'ve been married for over 29 years now, I think I can invest another two to five years to see if this can be saved, because if it can, it is so worth it to me. I know the risk, but I know the rewards, and that\'s what keeps me going, dealing with the pain and the realization this will be here with us for the rest of our life and I have to learn to deal with it.
On the statement of you not being in the mood, I understand your reaction. And like Blind said, it could have even been a tactic to get you there through guilt. But I think it also could be that he saw something in you and didn\'t want to pressure you into sex, and was giving you an out. Maybe not stated as well as it could have been, but his intentions could have been very sincere and just didn\'t realize how you would take it.
I know because I\'ve said things very similar in the past. Even last night, I could tell my W was practically falling asleep in my arms. I knew she wanted to have sex, but I could tell the body wasn\'t in it. So I jokingly made the statement with tongue in cheek, \"Okay. I understand. Don\'t worry about me. I don\'t need any sex tonight. Just go to sleep.\" She knew I was joking, but I knew we weren\'t going to have sex last night because she was obviously not going to be able to stay awake for it, though she made an attempt.
I mean, you were there, not us. So we don\'t know the tone of the voice, the body language, etc. But sometimes we do read each other wrong as well, and he may have been telling you that so you didn\'t feel pressure to do it if you weren\'t in the mood and didn\'t want to.
And it could be as well, that he is sensitive about sex due to the A. He may not be sure you really want him if you are angry or stressed over the A. He may take that as a sign this is not a good time to push for sex, that you may not really want him right now. So he was voicing that maybe even in the hope that you would tell him he was wrong, that you are in the \"mood\" or could get there in short order. He may not have wanted to just barge in during the midst of your A stress time and expect you to be ready which could also be taken in a bad way by you.
But keep going. It gets better. Gradually. But it takes a few months. :)
Everything Lotus said!!! You are doing great. You are only weeks out and you are way ahead of where I was at that point. Just by being here, you are ahead of the game. Stop worrying about years from now. All you can do, all any of us can do, is take it one day at a time.
I have to agree with Blind; that is a passive agressive remark. The next time he says something like that, call him on it. Tell him it annoys you. Tell him exactly what you said here, that he really shouldn\'t make remarks about how he assumes you feel. It\'s about straight forward communication. If you don\'t do that, resentment builds for both of you.
As for fantasizing about the OW\'s destruction...we all do it. I used to have recurring dreams(nightmares) that the OW would laugh in my face and tell me what an idiot I am. I would wake up crying, feeling worthless. Finally, one night I started to have the same dream, but I finally decked the bitch right in the face! That night, I woke up grinning! Just take a breath and give yourself time to work through all of this mess. It takes so very long. I\'m over 2 years passed dday now and I still have moments of Sybil-like behavior! We\'re here for you! Sending you support and hugs.
Well, it\'s all so complicated, and then when we let our minds ramble, it gets more confusing.
As far as the tornado thought, big deal. Just another example of how this devastation changes you, to some point. But that specific part of you, is only temporarily changing, like a pendulum swinging. As time goes on, you won\'t probably have as many negative thoughts of her, or wanting to hurt her, as she becomes a shadow, and you detach alot, in a couple years. But, I think it\'s normal, and natural to want someone who hurt you, to also hurt in some way. Kinda human nature, even though it\'s not your nature, it does kinda get \"washed out\", and rinsed out of your system, in time. Kinda like a white sock which got dyed red, and the more it gets rinsed the less red it becomes, Next thing ya know, it\'s pink, then lt. pink, until it\'s hardly discernible.
Similar I think for the sex department. That category also gets messed up for a while. Again, think of it as a huge washing machine. Before, all this you knew what garments were going in there, and they seemed kind of compatible, and what you see is what you get.
Then post discovery, it\'s a new deal. You don\'t even know 1/2 of the garments in the washer. Some you did, some are surprises, and some rub off on each other. So the end result after washing could be a surprise too. I think htat\'s true with our emotions, as well. Cuz now, we\'ve added so many more, new emotions (or shall we say he did by his actions, and the OW threw hers in the mix), and it seems that it has tainted our load.
It has tainted your H, tainted your impression of your H, your knowledge of your H, and then also forced responses out of us, which we wouldn\'t have normally experienced. Since you like cooking, let me use that as an analogy. You\'ve always made your lasagna a certain way, and even now that lasgna seems different due to the date, you made it last, and the connections, right? It\'s almost scary to think that way, or go there. Now you are wondering, ifyou make it again, will it automatically bring up those old ideas, fears, stressors, confusion, frustration, fear, being off kilter?
Another thing: think of it as you always used the same ingredients, you know what they are, and the measurments in the recipe. Now, you come to find out, someone tampered with that recipe (which was successful, and I liken to your H, and the marriage, which you thought was successful).
Now you go to eat it, and it tastes weird, kinda bitter, like a bunch of differnt spices are in there, the quantities are wrong, it\'s all wrong, it\'s not your lasagna. Because now the Barracuda Bitch entered the equation, and messed things up.
So, sweetie, you are going to have alot of those days, where you feel off kilter, and things seemed messed up, and wonder, and can\'t seem to put your finger on it, just feel blah, out of sorts. And those first weeks, you are dealing with the new \"H\" and the new \"you\", which have been altered from the H and you, you knew prior. Things were more predictable, things were more routine, and not so many weird surprises, or shocks.
Now this is like the earthquake which destroyed you emotionally, and then you get those \"after\" shocks, which are also unpredictable. And the aftershock can happen anytime, anywhere, and it can\'t be predicted, so you don\'t get that fair advance warning. So these emotions are too, gonna be somewhat unpredictable, and not seem like you, cuz the present you is a bit different, and takes a while to discover, and then balance back , primarily to what you were. Cole wrote about it in his journal, some time back, and discussed how people change. Maybe it\'s worth reading if you can find it, or you can probably email him, and ask him which one it is, if you can\'t tell from his titles of journal entries.
But I support you thru this after shock, and you know you can call anytime to talk! Love ya girl!
Ugh, I wish I could delete my previous comment. It was all about me! Your H sounds like a good guy and I think you\'ve got a great chance of making it past the 5 or 10 year point. Just keep thinking in terms of making it until tomorrow, or next week. Keep telling him what you need wrt sex and everything else. Sounds like he\'s willing to listen and learn. I wish you the best and I\'m sorry you were having what I\'ve come to call a \"mental day.\"
By the way, I was crying last night at DIsney on Ice as they sang \"Some Day My Prince Will Come,\" so don\'t feel bad. :)
still pretty fresh, only 11 weeks out kgirl. It will take a lot longer for you to move past this and a lot more work from both he and you but you are making some progress and that is good. the mind movies may continue for quite some time, especially with the graphic nature of some of the things you read and saw, etc. I know it was that way for me. I got to a point where I literally had to stop asking questions and seeking things out because the more I knew, the worse it was making things.
As for the sex drive, it will come and go (no pun intended, LOL). But seriously, he shouldn\'t be trying to guess your moods and push so much. Hysterical bonding has a shelf life and he\'ll need to be understanding about that.
Make sure you communicate to him how that made you feel. Sharing your feelings and figuring out the emotion behind it will help get both of you through this.