Settling Dust

Hi All, Well it has been about a month since I posted and since “D” day. As traumatic as the past year has been sorting through things, admitting to myself that I wanted and needed a better life and how the resulting “D” will eventually be better for both me and my wife (ex). In the past month we were able to have a revelation as to our relationship. Realizing that we (hopefully) will be able to keep a friendship built on the goodtime’s of our marriage and the raising of our family. Knowing that we can still occasionally lean on each other during rocky times, We both are setting off on new paths on our journey into life.
 Now this past week I have found myself contemplating the loneliness that I am feeling. It is very different than the loneliness felt before and during the “D”. It is more of a contemplation of what I want my future to be like and not knowing the direction to turn to get there. Having my good since tell me to take things slow and not jump too soon for the want of companionship, while at the same time wanting the comfort of sharing. Realizing the subtle changes in my home makes me wonder it is not time for a change there as well. Maybe look at the possibility of a move to some other part of the country. But not sure if I can afford that right now.
 I made my oldest daughter a promise that I would not date any woman more than 3 dates before dating someone new for the next year. And then her knowing me, she made me promise that I had to at least go out on a date, or on my own to some type of event twice a month. I guess that is a place to start. But even with this guideline, the evenings with just me and the dogs and cats are starting to wear on me. I guess it is time to find an event to get out to!
 I hope every one of my friends here on DS has the best of weeks and a better weekend. And guess what?   I am actually looking forward to this weekend! Bye !
 !

Replies

kg1130
kg1130

I too am admitting to myself that this divorce was needed but I don\'t see me wanting to be friends with this man. He has a way of cutting me down every time he speaks to me and I know it is because that is just the way he is, I\'m sure he doesn\'t even realize the hurtful things he says to me. Thank God my children are grown hopefully when there are issues we can deal with it without us having to deal with each other. Sure hope so anyway, this is the way I plan on handling things for now anyway.
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi

WT, there would be nothing wrong with going out on more than 3 dates with a woman whether or not you are playing the field. I believe that you will need time to get your feet under you and learn to relate to women in a new way. Just be SURE to make your intentions clear from the GET-GO -- that you are NOT looking to latch on to someone right away and that you absolutely positively are not even considering a serious relationship for at least one year!
Of course, I preach it -- but by the time I met Tom, my H had been gone with the wind for a total of 2 years. I had been in therapy at LEAST once a week during the entire 18 months of Hell and was still seeing my therapist twice a month at that point. And Tom and I communicated via email and phone for 6 weeks BEFORE we ever laid eyes on each other. When my therapist had met with us together (about 3 months after we met) and gave her SEAL OF APPROVAL, that\'s when I was sure that this was the ONE.
Everyone is different and seeing how your X has still been involved in your daily life for a year post divorce, it\'s going to take a little more time for you to disengage. But you will. And you will be fine! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, my friend!
trisha9054
trisha9054

My ex is vindictive and there is no way I can ever be friends with him. I tried but I can\'t be friends with someone who tries to cause me harm. After the stunt he pulled overseas I was demanding a divorce and had trouble finding an atty. to take my case. I admit now I should have left long ago.

Loneliness. I know it well. It\'s good that you are taking things slowly and not jumping into another relationship. Slow is always better. You are blessed with a very wise daughter who obviously knows her daddy well.You must have found an event to go to this weekend. If so have fun. It\'s nice you are looking forward to this weekend.
PeaceHarmony
PeaceHarmony

your daughter is very loving and understanding towards you during this difficult time. she wants her daddy to find joy and peace once again.

grieving is hard work ... i\'m glad you are being gentle with yourself.

i hope you find an event you can enjoy this weekend.

you are in my prayers, good friend.
WTconfused
WTconfused

Thank You everyone for your thoughts. I have just commited to going out with a local Christian motorcycle group next weekend for a tour ride and camp out. So this weekend I will work weeding my garden. I know and can understand how most cant have any type of relationship whit their Ex, but in that aspect we are both fortunate, not only for ourselves but for our family. Again Thank You all for your responses, they mean alot to me.
PeaceHarmony
PeaceHarmony

@WT! riding out with a local christian motorcycle group next weekend for a tour ride and camp out sounds GREAT!!! i\'m really proud of you!! i once rode on the back of a norton 750 for a 3 hour ride... that was so fun! it was a sunny and warm day and i still remember the exhilaration of it to this day ;0)

have fun!!! you will meet and make new friends!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh that sounds lovely! I don\'t get to ride on the back of a motorcycle often but I do enjoy it a lot! My son had a little honda 110 that I was determined to learn to ride ...but sadly he sold it before I became proficient. I hope you have a lovely ride and camp out ...it sounds like a ton of fun. I am running away to Wyoming so I am looking forward to being surrounded by friends that love and support me!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Don\'t know how I missed this entry! So sorry I haven\'t replied sooner. Hope you get out there and do some dating! :) It will be weird, but you\'ll get the hang of it. Three cheers for you for moving on!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I listened to a speaker on the Christian channell talking about new mates. He said the we should date at least 20 people before settling on one. He said that it works for many and if you keep sex out of it that you can stay friends with these women and can go back to the earlier ones you dated. It\'s what he did. He dated, stayed friends, and couldn\'t get the 4th one off his mind. He ended up settling , as he put it, and married her. Said he has been happy.
So I think this is what I am going to try. Of course I will have to get out there and meet the guys. LOL