September2023

I don't know what to say, Laura is still reaching out to me but keeps telling me that she is not looking for a relationship but what does she want. She can not have Daniel because Daniel is now Danielle and I know she does not want me because I am a female. I don't know what her plan is.

I know that I am getting tired of working and some days I get so angry being around the customers due to the fact that they are so stupid in asking dumb questions that is not on the menu board. Working around kids is getting to be in tolerable. Near or close to the end of my shift I feel so much anger that I just don't want to work there anymore or work anywhere. I am tired, even with the modeling I still feel tired. I see couples holding hands with each other, the loneliness is so over whelming I don't know what to do anymore. Am I thinking straight, or am I doing to much, but I need to keep going on this pace. So I can get my own place and say that it is mine. There are several things that must be taken care of and one them is a debt collector that is going to get a piece of my mind for down right harassing me after I do a little digging. I am not going to be treated in such manor not by my wife or no debt collector.

Every day I am having difficulty handling my depression, it would seem that I am loosing control of myself in keeping my wits. Working a Walmart it seems to get worse, looking at others holding hands and I remember myself holding Merle's hand but not anymore. I still love her but I know in my heart that part in our relationship died.

But in my process of my transitioning I have lost Laura even though I didn't think that she would come around after being back for 4 years. But when she reached out to me I tried to keep wits of myself. Just to hear what she has to say. Only to hear that she wants to be friends but I feel that she is going to go a little further and maybe wants to be with me but in the mean time I must remind myself that it won't go any further than just friends. Both my gut and my heart is telling me that she will cave in and turn into a lesbian. But does Danielle want that as I do know that Daniel wants that dream to come true then we won't have to worry about being lonely. That will unfold. By finding out what she plans on doing she will give in I am pretty sure of that. But will find out as time progresses. In the meantime I have knocked down another credit card below 30% and soon I will be starting my third one, but which one cause I have 2 that charge the same A.P,R. maybe I can do both.

Which would be good. As for the commercial I am still waiting for the confirmation for the end of Sept. I hope it comes through for me as I could go for a weeks vacation. Every time I am working I see people holding hands and my flash backs start as I am thinking about my family and remembering the good times I had with Merle. As I am holding back the tears. I keep asking myself why am I doing this to myself as I feel more depressed. I have mentioned above that I am getting tired and now I am starting to forget things. How much more can my body take I am in pain almost everyday because of the accident. The Ibuprofen does help but when it wears off I feel the pain. Is this another trial from god to see if I can over come the challenge? Don't know. 

September is just about over on this last day as it leaves on a depressing note. I was waiting for the confirmation on doing this commercial for Foxwoods Hotel and Casino in Connecticut but nothing came from it has been depressing. So far I have planned doing a runway show in Baltimore called stump the runway for autism. I will see how a real show is done with fashion designers and make up artist, I should have everything for the show. I also asked Katrina for an extension on staying until I can find some place to live. As of now I have spoken to Michele about her room that she is thinking about renting she telling me that it needs to be cleaned, I offered to help her clean it out. Will see how well that goes. But my search will not end in finding a place, will require me to stay at Walmart and Arby's at the same time.

This month I have found out that my oldest son had another son but from the last information he spent to much time in the birth canal and caused his head to be deformed which caused concerns with the doctors and omitted Henry to the ICU, but I haven't heard any more information from Merle even though I have sent her messages and haven't gotten a response back. Knowing that I am concerned about him and Danny but as always I feel like that I am being left in the dark, I just hope that no one thinks that I don't care about them as Merle tells me not to reach out to any of them when they are going through a crises. I just hope that everything turns for the better.