September showed some spunk

September was full of surprises with events that I could not imagine. I guess after I submitted my paper work to Dr. Gasman I thought for sure that I would not be scheduled for surgery until after the new year but to my surprise I was asked to set one of the three days to undergo my surgery that I managed to choose November 2 to have it done. I was hysterical to have received that phone call. But at that time it really has not sunken in until a couple a weeks ago that I had a weird experience watching myself admiring a knife that I was holding talking about the craftmanship of the blade and how sharp it was as I was watching thinking that I was going to end my life with me watching as I was shouting out with no sound coming out saying don't think about committing suicide and I could not do anything to get back in control. It scared me and I am still thinking about it today. But after talking to a few people so they can shed some light on the subject to the reason why I was experiencing the sudden out of mind or out of body experience. I was asked several questions that occurred during my life experience as I told them that every opportunity that came up I would turn it down only to want to kick myself in the but because I did not react to it always playing it safe keeping myself in a comfort zone that I would not get hurt. Only to hear that my subconscious mind was telling me or warning me of the possible danger I was bringing on to myself and finding away to rethink my decision of having the surgery knowing that I would regret it later of not having it and being in a worse situation than before. So far the idea of postponing the surgery has not surfaced and I hope that It wont come to this as I will use every ounce of strength to resist, I am not going to give in as I thought about this from the very beginning of my research  that If I started the program that I would see it to the end which means the surgery. Something that I want and as I have waited for many years to get it. I must say that I am surprised that I am under going HRT and having the surgery done, but I swore I not going to give in to my fear as I have in the past. Always falling every time by backing out of things that I think would be favorable for me but always falling short every time by listening to a certain person. It took me many years to leave my wife of 35 years but if I didn't I would have been either dead or blind because my needs where not being taken care of. I feel that God has guided me to walk this path helping me with finding money during my path and saving it so I can achieve my goal in life. One thing for sure is that I have a lot of friends behind me so I can achieve my goal and it feels so dam good inside that it is sometimes overwhelming. I am still having difficulties handling my emotions now and then but I feel like I am getting the hang of things in controlling my emotions.

So back to the surgery part, they have me coming up to Temple University Hospital for my preliminary testing and to hand in my papers and signing theirs as well. I am preparing for the 20th of October for my visit as I have a plan on how I can get up there and back from my hospital stay I just pray that everything goes well with the completion of my journey towards women hood. I am wondering what will the month of November will bring. I hope the light of the lord will give me the strength I need as he brought me the courage to leave an abusive life even though I still love her and my kids I just hope that he will forgive them as he knows that I will never close the door on them because I love them dearly.