September 30, 2-15

Jeanne this is the day I have been looking forward to since the monument company had today listed on the drawing of our headstone as my date of death.  All along I have kept focusing on if I could just make it through to Sept 30th, this pain would end and we would be together again. Well today is very close to being over and there are no signs that I will joining you today.  this has made a lot of our family and friends very happy to get past this date.  The past 3 weeks have been significantly better. I continue to see Celeste for therapy, I interact with my friends on WW, I joined a support group today and maybe another one next week.  I will talk to anyone who makes the mistake of asking me how I am doing.  they will hear all about our love affair right until your took your last breath after I kissed you.  today was the first day with the support group. there were about 11 of us between the ages of 60 -75.  there were 3 men and all of us lost our wives to lung cancer.  After hearing how tough they had it and the pain and suffering their spouses went through. I am so glad again that you were right and it was time for you to go and stop all treatment.  This allowed you to died peacefully surrounded by your family laughing and talking right up to the last 13 hours before you went home to the Lord.  You told me that I had to stay here for the kids and for our grandson.  I have lived everyday for them and have helped them with their weddings, buying houses and transitioning the family business to them.  You told me that you wanted me to find someone to have a relationship with and that I should not live alone.  Well I have started to look for companionship and on Monday I am meeting a women for dinner and conversation. I have no plans on telling the kids about this unless I feel it is going to become an on going casual relationship.I am trying to take an active role in living as you requested.  I know that there is nothing I can do to bring you back but I know I have to find away to deal with this loneliness if I am going to truly heal not spend my life waiting for the my grave to be opened to be with you again.  Although being with you is something that I truly want but I know it is not an option.  Please stay by my side and listen to me when I talk to you. 
I am sure you know that Patrick, Gregory and I had a big fight in the pool 2 nights before the wedding.  It could be heard throughout the neighborhood.  It was a result of built up pain and anxiety we all have from losing you. things were said out of anger but not meant.  I apologized deeply to both of the boys and I had told them that I did not want to be here but rather buried next to you.  That brought terrible pain to them, but then I told them how everything has changed in the past couple of weeks and that I have chosen to live until God calls me home.
 
I continued to love you and miss you everyday. My love for you will last FOREVER.  I am doing good and I know that you continue to be very proud of me and that our love continues to grow.