September 15,2022

September has started as a rocky month as usual. So far this month I am happy that the summer season is over with as the tourists are dwindling down in numbers but I am glad that they are gone till next year. As for work I am getting prepared to have my hours reduced and so far I have lost 20mins. But I am hoping that I will be able to regain the mins lost but I do know I might lose more time this week.

For the situation at the house is getting more unstable. Having Katrina's daughter spazzing out on me for stupid things and telling me to get the fuck out. I do know that I have to leave but if worse comes to worse I will live in the car at least I will be ok, just have to find a place to take a shower but using the bathroom I can use the one at Arby's or one of the portapotty. As for taking a shower I still have to figure that one out. I am hopeful that I will find a solution. But the other issue would be how I can dilate and irrigate myself because of my urine getting in side. But this will only be the last resort.

I will say that Rikki has offered me a room but her living conditions are deplorable with no running water as his landlord refuses to repair several leaky pipes and running her pump all the time because of the pipes leaking and the house however is full of junk that he is trying to get rid of. But she has everything else. But it will have to be the last resort. I have been looking around in trying to find a place to live but no one is responding back to my calls as this place never changes. People around here are still ignorant. Pretty soon I am going to have to make a decision whether to move in with Rikki and I do know that if she has to move but she will take me with her which is nice to know.

As for Merle she promised me that I would be able to see my boys only to have her back down as always telling me that she is sick and not feeling well at all. But she never answers my messages and I know that she has her phone on all the time. She never keeps her promises.

As for my audition to become a model or actor well it was disappointing I didn't make it to the third round. I had hoped to change my job or just do that part time and still keep Arby's full time.

I was also disappointed when the county prosecutor's office denied my expungement so now we have to try something else to get things moving in that department.

I just to show bad things comes in Three's

Two more issues that I have been working on that I still haven't heard from them on when I am going to find out about my surgery and breast augmentation. I am hoping that they will approve it so I won't have to worry about my urine getting inside of me. But it is now uncertain if I will have the procedure done due to what is going on at the place I am at. Also I have just learned that with prices rising on fuel and food now I have to pay more for car insurance which I don't think is fair. But things are piling up more and I am almost at wits end. It's about David, I am still chatting with him and now his daughter wanting to know more about me but sometimes I do not know how to talk to a 13 year old cis female as I am so much out of touch in that department but I am trying to know what her likes and dislikes are and I feel that she wants to connect with me as her mother which makes me fell a little uncomfortable. As for David well he is still adamite in being a part of my life and he knows that I am still married and working on trying to get a divorce from her so I may move on with my life. He claims that he is going to come and meet me in person and wants to me to be apart of his life and also wants me to be part of his family. There are several things about David that I have been getting more information about him that he is a transgender himself, being a female to male trans male I don't know a lot about the procedure he endured as it must have been an exciting journey for him under going several surgeries and I recently found out that he saved his eggs and wants me to experience being pregnant and having the experience of a living being growing inside of me and having the taste of bearing a child. It does sound exciting but I must keep it in check due to some obstacles that could put a damper on things but the number one issue would be my age, but I am in pretty good health from what I know but David was telling me that he has connections being a pediatrician he will be able to help me out or I should say us out as he wants me to have his baby. But there will be a lot of questions I will have for the doctors, like would I be able to breast feed my baby. But how will I be able to support a growing child in side me and what health risks will I have during the nine months of pregnancy that is if I can carry one without complications. But when we were talking about it I was feeling wet down my vagina and feeling aroused at the same time. That my body was reacting to the thought of me being pregnant but it is worth looking into as that would be a goal achieved by me as a female. But I will not get my hopes up to much.

I will also say that when I do see him I will probably will want to be with him as he is a trans male unlike me being a transfemale. By rights she is a girl on the inside just as much as I am a male on the inside as well but we both have something in common like we sometimes think like our biological selves. Which is a good thing and also I feel that God has brought him into my life. AS I hope to make a good wife to him and a stepmother to his daughter as well. But as for getting myself pregnant I am going to have dig deeper in my research to find out how and if I can have a child of my own. The other thing is that I just got a call from an organization who helps HIV patients on the council but I just realize that I would probably have to have the virus to be on the committee but will find out.

So September is half way done as time is flying so fast its unbelievable. The thing is that I went to use the bathroom I found the shower curtain open and soap suds in the bathtub and she freaked out on me for leaving the shower curtain open!! Really!!

Well today is the last day of Sept and I am not looking forward to winter and the holidays. I did ok getting past the one year mark of my dad passing last year. I can say that Sept. is leaving as a mix bag but of course with some set backs as my insurance company still refuses to pay for my revision as aspire Brands dropped Transgender care from their policy leaving me to believe that they should allow it being that it is just a revision and not the actual surgery itself. I am glad that I was able to get the surgery back in 2020. As I don't know what I would be doing but I am glad that I don't have to worry about it. I thank God for that, allowing me to make the right choice. But I am upset that they keep turning me down and not standing by a grandfather law that I thought I can get it done. So the doctors are trying to figure out other ways to get around and in the mean time I am thinking about ruffling some feathers of my own but trying to figure out a way for the transgender community that works for Inspired Brands to get the coverage we need to survive. For the amount of money we pay for coverage and also working for them for the past 7 years  maybe we can get coverage. But trying to find a way to execute the proceedure.

I keep on seeing help wanted by 7-11 for asst. manager position for the store in Ocean City. They probably won't Hire me because of a write up years ago. But I couldn't do anything or say anything because merle was next to me when I was talking to someone from the corporate office. Which didn't give me the opportunity to tell the person that I was being discriminated because of my gender identity. I probably would have been able to over turned it. Maybe it's for the best. In other things I was going to go ahead and take a room in a different place getting myself out of where I am at now but when they say if one door closes other doors opens with possible opportunities and it did. I saw an add on Facebook about becoming a model thinking why not give it another shot instead of staying with Talent 9 which was disappointing and paying 39 dollars every month for membership and not having workshops that do not abide with their schedual when I sign up for their workshops. I was disappointed. So I had to choose which photo to  send so I chosen one and I was about to send it but changed the photo at the last moment and I got a an email from them that day to set a photo session with them in Manhattan NYC for October 14th I am excited but I must get a few things first to take with me and figure out what outfits to take with me. I am nervous as hell but I have to figure out how I am going to swing the financial part as the old saying goes you have to spend money to make money. I have a lot of homework to do in the up coming days and still being able to move or maybe I will take up Rikki's offer  but I don't know if she is going to move to Kentucky or not and the other thing is that I don't know if I got the room as I won't know till Friday the first of October. see what happens.