Sept. Another Month

Another month has past and its been sometime that I have thought about myself. My feelings on everything I have done in the past 2 1/2 years. I still have difficulties in handling my emotions. I still break down and cry for no reason at all but maybe there is and I am not seeing but even though I am going through these emotions I still care for Merle and my kids. My kids I would never close the door on them as I care about them just as much as I love Merle. One sad note is that I will not go back to being with her because I Know in my gut that things will not change with her and the other note is that she knows some of the changes I have made to myself but not all of it. I am surprised that she hasn't made any moves to get me to come back. It is different this time for the amount of time passed she has not made any attempts to get me back, I guess with her knowing that I already started HRT she has given up. I am glad for that also she doesn't know that I have had the surgery and that I don't have my male organs anymore. It has helped me big time that it feels like a big heavy weight has been lifted.

I am happy for what I did and I have no regrets. I am living my dream as a female, wearing the clothes and looking like a female. I am surprised that my complexation and the changes to my face that I can't recognize myself. I enjoy feeling the softness of my skin. Sometimes I can't believe what I look like.

On the other hand I am moving closer in accomplishing another goal in my life, getting Daniel's name cleared from having a felony charge. When that happens I am going to start looking for a better job with better I is benefits. Then the big solution is to figure out what a women wears for a job interview. I should be able to figure out what to wear, I am looking forward to the challenge. Just as much I am looking forward in getting Daniel's name cleared.

Through the days I have been asking  myself do I really deserve this, or Is it me being selfish. I just feel that I do not deserve any of this but do I. why am I feeling this way?? I have spent years researching everything but I did not expect certain emotions to evolve.

I wish I can talk to KC about this but I won't be able to anymore just like I am unable to attend group sessions through Mosaic because of certain criteria between states. They say it is because they do not have a therapist with a NJ license  that allows me to attend. Which I think is not fair, I still think it has no barrier on a support group than one on one. I felt out of place when Wednesday came, I felt distant and rejected  also alone that now I have no one as I feel alone as before. As I do not like feeling this way. I am always feeling depressed trying to accomplish my goals thinking I am doing this for myself in a way I am but it is not in anyway of having fun. All I am feeling is overwhelming amount of emotions that I just break down crying. I am still trying to over come the emotions which I am going try to control them. But my gut is telling me it's a worthless why continue to bother just let It take its course.

The other issue is that I am dealing with being alone and when I say alone I mean I miss the adult affection. I do not think I will find another women that would consider to have me part of their life. But I must move on, as they say it will find you when you at least expect it.

Another experiment I am doing is allowing my nails to grow longer and applying nail polish. I am having a slight difficulty in typing on my laptop but I am not going to give up and as for the ears being pierced I have to get over my fear of getting them done, I dream of getting and wearing ear rings. But that is going to need a little more attention and funding.

Well this is all for now until something comes up out of the ordinary

Time lapsed

Leaving Family  :  2 Years 6   months  14 Days

HRT                 :  2 Years 1   Months   19 Days

Bottom Surgery:  0 Years 11 Months     6 Days