Sept 15, 2020

The day has been finally set, as I am afraid and excited at the same time , but can a person be both???

Preparations are underway for the most eventful day of my life, as I will be celebrating a reincarnation of my true self, if there is such a thing. As I embark on my final journey of becoming my true self.

24 hours as past and bits and pieces have been sinking in my brain about the surgery along with everything else that I have on my plate. I am wondering if I have to much going on that I need to take a breather or just keep on chugging away without to stopping for a breather. I just do not know , I am afraid that I might postpone the procedure and if I do I will not know when the next appointment will be even though it is close to the end of the physical year and after that the insurance won't pay the 80% it will definitely be a lot lower. I must continue forward and keep my wits when the time closes in on the target date of November 2, 2020 that I can not get the urge to postpone it.

The other issue is am I doing the right thing for many years I have prayed to God to help me out of the situation with my wife and to help me from ending my life as I feel that God brought several people into my life to help me escape and to move forward in giving me the peace and helping me to become who I am.

It is 47 days 15 hours and 48 mins and 10 sec before November 2.

I do know I am going to keep asking myself am I doing the right thing.

When I go through this procedure I know I will be doing this all by myself just like when I went through my hernia operation my wife was never to be seen all she was concerned was when was I coming home or going back to work. I felt sad and depressed that she was only concerned about the money never about my health spending years with two hernias with most days in a ball in pain.

I have thinking since yesterday am I up for the challenge of making sure I am doing the correct method of clean my wound area to keep from getting infected and the other mater that I have not addressed that I have been putting off for a couple of years after the hernia surgery.

More of reality will start to sink in when I start getting items needed for after the surgery, which Is not many paychecks to work with.

My strategy is to try to get my current medical bills down as much as possible so I don’t run into problems my main concern