Sep 2010-September 2018

I Am Back!!!

September 11, 2010

I know. I know I been gone awhile long story made longer lol I got beat up by my husband he's in jail now for a year. I spent a entire month in shelter with my son as I was there I was talking to one of my best friend. And he was helping me deal with everything now were living together we did fall in love he wants to marry me were happy my kid is happy only real problem is finding a job I've looked forever for a job and I have yet to find one so that's my deal. I ve looked at Craig list till I am blue in the face Craig list Tampa bay anyway and aha feel like screaming I answer all these ads and have yet to get a response back so how is everyone else doing?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I should be happy the little things are bothering me though

September 18, 2010

This guy I am with is ok he cooks for me, and all that that's cool but the little things include; sometimes I don't know the exact way to get to certain places and we have to turn around, sometimes I don't know about tools what does what and what tool to use for what part of a car and he gets all frustrated about it he don't tell me ,but I

know he gets frustrated with me dam sorry my bad but don't get all ;aggravated with me! Then sex well that's a big thing with me. And we hardly have it if any. I just don't know and he wants to marry me dam I just don't know. Sad we went for walk a night walk it was nice and all that but then we come back home he and my son is watching tv it pisses me off I want us to be closer as a family you know do stuff together   Fuck this is not like I wanted. Its not stress like fear for my life but its still stress.   Its sad really I pick the guys perfect one way but on other things their completely wrong for my like for my ex we had all kind of different ways to fool around with eachother that was good but in other ways you know like choking me and nearly breaking my arm that was bad when we last got in our last screaming match  before our entire life changed. Now with this other guy he treats me well. For the most part but sex is terrible if I get any at all. As for attention I get that but I want heat sinking kisses not little pecks on the lips I want some  steamy passion not Luke warm love . I just wish I could pick someone like my special friend but hot blooded. Passion I need some heat and I love French kisses, roses, and teddy bears ha ha sounds like a personal ad don't it lol just wish I had my cake and eat it to. anyone have both the hot love and romance and nice guy mentality in them. If it's such a small world why can't I find them?

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SOS! I lost the ability to love anyone and everyone ;JADED

October 7, 2010

I love my son and I am expecting a new bundle of joy in March maybe April have to go to doc to know for sure, but I completely lost the ability to love anyone but my son and new edition maybe(shrug)The guy I am with I don't love the friends I have I don't love ,my family I don't love don't think I can love anyone and the thing of it is I don't care. :Has anyone ever felt like this and just don't care no more love don't feel anything anymore?: I should probably be worried about it right? No I just don't care I don't care about no one can anyone explain to me why that is? Its not getting any easier when I feel like escaping you ever hear the expression fight ,or flee? I want to flee I have this overpowering feeling to take off, and disappear. It has nothing to do with wanting some one else its just I don't want anything to do with anyone I don't want nothing, and no one I just don't have the desire to be with anyone ,maybe I am just fed up with the very idea of living a normal life with a person that suppose to care for you when I know in reality they don't care about you at all its all pretend. I guess I have a incurable case of jaded if that is even a word Simply put I am jaded and I don't even think it can be overcome ever again. I think I am happier by myself with my son, and possible a new arrival I don't need ,or want anyone in my life the thought of anyone living with me besides my son makes me want to hurl ,or maybe that's the morning sickness lol. I guess I am in trouble because I don't have the will, or desire to be around anyone to me when ever I meet anyone I just don't believe anyone their all playing pretend with me who could honestly love me anyone I am just so through with pretenders and the lousy scammers that all seem to stalk me in one way or another. oh yea my outlook on life now is severely jaded. Now What Do I Do with that bit of news?? Sad shrug weird that I just don't care no more.

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2014  IS THE YEAR 

May 4, 2014

 Did passion ever exist ,or is that a fairy tale like everything else in life at least my life is. What is the point of anything in life you live you survive the best you can you marry someone so you simply don't wake up alone not because you love them because love doesn't exist and then you die. The great nothing ness rages on What is the point no one really wants anyone else. No one will ever love me like they really care so what's the point? the great nothingness continues.

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Year 2014

I am a unwilling participant to this sorry house

OMG! It has been so hot.

May 7, 2014

Florida is so hot lately. Wish I was in the cool creeks of the mountains in Asheville, or Idaho. Hell anywhere where its cooler. I use to could stand Florida hot weather when I was younger.. but now that I am Forty two working on forty three June 17. Gosh I feel old. I told a little white lye to my brother in Cali. I told him I took the (Practice) Ged test and I will get my results tomorrow. I really meant to go today...its just it was so hot, and the only way I could get to the school is get my mom to take me what with the two kids and dragging them either in a city bus two hours, or a expensive taxi I couldn't do that. I know I know just get a baby sitter...I have a babysitter my sister in law...but Omg! She's completely toxic ,a racist ,a mouth like a sailor, and she only favors my daughter, she completely ignores my son. Kids know things so no baby sitter...I am sorry I am rambling. Now the juicy stuff.....no not really...just lonely.. sex would be good...but love would be better if there is such a thing. Hell I don't even have any trashy books. he is sweet cool, and cute...but we have so little in common...besides he would never like me like that ..plus he has so many girl/ friends and their Asian ,India, and just plain exotic and beautiful. Now me I am average ,a little overweight ,this I wont say on fb. And I guess I am cute...but I am not that is my thinking anyway. .I ll have to do the GED tomorrow for sure so my lye wont be a lye...lets hope things work out. after that everyone thinks my lifework will be a nurse ,or in the medical field. I am good at that yes...but I really would rather be in the woods, and forest. Want to be in conservation...specifically forest ranger just because I been around people so much saw the atrocities people do to their kids their selves ,and others. I just sooner disappear in the woods. I mean besides Jeff, and my brother in Cali they kind of believe in me the only two that do....I have no one else that believes in me anyway. Besides I am not a very attractive woman that is my thinking so its better I hide from the world. At least part time anyway. Kids still got to go to school, and socialize. I just think I should choose to not socialize who would want me anyway. Oh well have a good night zzz hot house no a/c it will be hard to sleep tonight. The box fan just blows around hot air night

job hunting :-\ is always difficult being old and a singal mom

May 14, 2014

So money and circumstances have made it so I Have to work. I must get my ged, but like everything else it cost money. So I will be working to get the dough to get to class. I hope when people look at my resume, and application I hope they have a open mind. Will be working with mom at this one job but I need more hours. I will have to find at least another two jobs to make ends stretch. May be hard and exhausting but it will so worth it to better myself and prove to certain family members that I am not a failure anyway off and filling in apps luck luck luck xo

frustrating day

May 16, 2014

I wake up fine I take my son to school fine ,my daughter and I feed the ducks in the pond fine .This afternoon I don't know I went to fill in apps one at culverts some burger place. Have to do it online not built yet. Alright that is cool go to this other place right close to Indian Rocks beach; some Italian joint. They filled the position still fine...We stopped for ice cream for kids...doing ok have umbrellas cant put them up to windy the lady said I get angry don't know if its her tone ,or just me. Angry me kids are ok mom said get my discount card out so she don't have to break a 20$ cant find the damn thing. Mom gives me this look like she cant believe me. Have to break her twenty just get more angry. We get home watching the stupid twenty eight news not a single one of them morons are native Floridians what the hell they know about anything. The weather men or worst sunny 90 million degree weather in Florida is not nice! Rainy cloudy stormy weather is nice, cooler weather is nice you overly cheerful perky morons! GOT to forgive me not into cheerfully. Especially when you got rich sorry Yankees from the north taking our houses, jobs, and money and trashing up, and overdeveloping our beaches ,and once nice nature inspired

Florida. JUST GO HOME AND GET OUT OF OUR STATE!

I need to rant I just need to because I will blow up if I don't.

In other news I keep trying to tell myself this to shall pass, the frustration, the inability to make my kids listen, and get along, the almost constant loneliness, and isolation, the strong desire to drown myself in a bottle of jack straight up. The constant judgement of people...mostly family trying to show them I am not a two time loser, or a lay about ,or a bum. Always trying when the hell am I going to get a break ...so angry today just want to blow up.. want to give up and hit the nearest hippies camp ,or the deep woods and hide from failure...but got to keep trying...have to. I would like to have a house my kids don't have to ever leave from...no more shelter life...to harsh...granted easier...but still....got to keep trying...P.s. Katy Perry that's her name she sings fireworks duh must be the frustration.

Yelled at the kids ,the dog, and cat. Sometimes I wish to god I had my ex back. Kids don't listen ,they make messes, dog has fleas ,the cats a little bitch and I am going crazy. Why can't anything ever be simple. Sometimes I see a glimpse at what can happen if I don't fail and get to the school of the redwoods. They have a college there that had environmental studies...and learning how to be a park ranger/police/naturalist. OTHER times I look at my kids ,brother hear with my lame bitter ,hatefully sister in law, and diabetic mom, and see that door to college slam shut and deadlocked. Wish I wasn't hear in ...Florida wish I was there...anywhere in country would be better. I am hatefully I am bitter I am a bitch but at least I am not that twenty four hours a day seven days a week...feel like I am...but I wasn't today. Just ended up like that. Despite how much I hate my sister in law I may just ask them to baby sit tomorrow or maybe next week.......very very little do I ever wish this...but today just wish I didn't have kids. I could maybe make it in a national park job far far far away from hear if I had no kids. Save some money move to the woods and live like a hermits don't know what they call a female hermit so what ever.... stupid me should of never listen to my parents...if you live with your boyfriend its a sin so to make them happy I married the sob! Now separated cant find the sob to get divorced or child support saddled with two kids in a miserable place where everyone is richer then me. Yea get married worst stupid ass thing I ever did . Fuck! Honestly I love my kids ..but I am always with them I never ever get breaks from their mouth ,and their whining ,and teenage mentality, I mean dam who wouldn't go crazy. I hold it together though I keep holding it together what else is there to do but hold it together....if it was just a Little bit easier though.....I hate mornings in this house

May 22, 2014

Today woke up scratching, either fleas ,or mosquitos ,or both not saying my house is dirty just saying we got a cat with kittens ,and a dog that needs a bath ,and when we moved in to this house people came in and ramshackle it stolen all the metal ,tore the screens off, and made a mess of the place on another subject I

want to give my dog to a new home. He is miserable hear. He don't get to go for walks, I take him for walks but he's a German shepherd so they need lots of exercise and he can't go for a drive in mom's car to a dog park because she don't want her car dirty. He is just plain

Miserable hear if I was him I would be. Who am i kidding I am miserable hear to. I want to give myself away. Mornings are so annoying ,news is blaring dancing with the stars cast is on a float having a parade on good morning America. why because their celebrities. SO What! Look they did not save lives, they have not found a cure for any diseases ,and they haven't helped mold young minds like teachers ,tutors, coaches,or anyone that should have the privilege to be honored with a parade its BS!. I am so tired of people good people getting the shaft because they didn't make a field goal, or dance on tv like a self absorbed ,Barbie doll want to be. Look at all these VA hospitals treating our service men like garbage. The false hopes of getting a appointment to be seen, and never getting to the doctor. You know how many of our military has died waiting and waiting. That's bull shit. You want to help people and actually give a dam about someone then overhaul the VA administration throw them all out on their ass and get someone that gets the job done and genuinely cares about our military and will do something to help them. Do that then maybe we can get you a parade until then stop acting like big old hero's when you did absolutely nothing to deserve it! Did I mention I hate mornings, and I hate celebrities' have stomach cramps today not a good day to get things done. Maybe ...lost my train of thought don't you hate when you were just thinking of something and you have to use my aunts word a brain fart lol. Sorry a southern thing crude apologies. Today feels like a Monday but it's only a Wednesday. We live in a trailer park the real estate people like to call it manufacturing homes. Lol it doesn't make the trailers look any better. Around hear the trailers some people take care of their property it looks good and kept up...I try to make the place look good to, on the other hand other people their yards are horrible ,and just plain in chaos .lots of meth heads, pill poppers, and general hoodlums hear and that's mostly the teenager's. Can't wait to move out of hear. To much family can be a bad thing

May 31, 2014

I am so tired of family been around them to much their driving me crazy. If my kids would listen, and my mother ever encouraged me and they just wouldn't ooze so much negativity all the time...Anyway it got to 98 degrees in the house, no wind moving outside just brutal. I am so over Florida and it's heat. Strangest thing when we Finally went to beach today. This couple maybe has four kids one a small baby in a play pen the kids parents was fucking in the ocean for over 45 minutes the baby is on the shore maybe a yard or more away all by his/her self in the play pen maybe 100 people on the beach. Don't you know anything could happen to that baby?! The other kids of theirs was in the ocean by themselves maybe waist deep little kids from 5 years old to 9 years. I am 5"6 that water was to deep for them, and we have been having rip currents in Florida and several kid drowning of kids . Way dangerous you know. Either way they left their baby by them selves way to long. I guess someone called on them because three minutes later clearwater police show up and just tearing them up one side down the other. Plus they got a ticket, and as we were leaving the beach we saw them in the parking lot going through their car making sure they leave. You don't see that everyday. Anyway

They left makes you wonder what they do Behind closed doors? The beach was nice went swimming once felt so good. I usually don't get to swim because I always with the kids 24 hours a day seven days a week. Would ask my mom to watch him for a little bit, but then she tells me "well shouldn't have kids if you didn't want to take care of them." Oh gee thanks mom! The beach was gorgeous though. there is a saying "Even a rainy day at the beach is better then a beautiful day at work" well it's true it is. So today was ok would of been better if I was away from my family for a little while. Well can't have everything. I am tired now and it's hot so shower and bed. Dream of a houseboat/sailboat on the ocean, or a week with out my family and spent at the beach. Good night My Journal When bad stuff happens I write when it's a ok day why not write too?

June 6, 2014

Today is Friday got up at 6:30am don't know why.. check on the kittens, and the turtle ,and dog, and kids. Then Fed the animals tried to go back to sleep, but my girl woke up. Oh well. I made breakfast, and worked on garden a little. Replanted the peppers...hope they live ..they look pretty bad, then I planted some water melon seeds hopefully they grow. Then worked on this dilapidated old lean to building ..tore up the floor. What freaked me out was saw a two to three foot snake about to munch down on a frog. I killed it talk about creepy. It was a little rationale. Harmless ,or not I don't want snakes around.. anyway I got the old rotten floor up ,the rest is small pieces I 'll do that later. After that I got stung five times by wasps had two big nest and one little nest by my bedroom and bathroom window. Can't have that around my kids. Of course no-one appreciates what I do typical. I 'LL have to say though I am proud of my accomplishments this day may be totally nothing to everyone in the entire world...but it is something. At least I put some work in to my day. what to do if you don't know what to do.......

June 10, 2014

We have to move that is obvious. I just don't know what to do first. If mom was working Today I would get rid of a lot of our junk and it wouldn't be so hard to move. We have a month she said but she don't want to do anything she doesn't feel good that I understand, but I am capable of getting most things done. She don't want me to do it either. She thinks a month is long lol it's not. If I let her procrastinate it just won't be done I know this. So as always I will have to do it myself without her knowledge. I have a garden growing, I am trying to get my GED but we simply have to move. We have no air conditioner ,we have a horrible leak, no insulation ,no screens on Windows, always hot ,tiried ,itchy(mosquitos) and we can barely get a decent TV show. Who else could live like this??we been living with it for three, almost four years. I am just spoiled...I am use to living in a camp ground cooking over a fire, cutting wood, hiking, and looking for my own meals ,no grocery store around. Dude I would rather live like a Florida cracker from the old south then have the creature comforts. Not everyone's cup of tea ,but it was fine. We were happy. Any way we have to move and we have no place to go. We were thinking of getting a motel room for a little bit it would be cheaper. We pay nearly 800 dollars for a trailer that once housed a meth lab I kid you not. More later maybe .How do you get off a sinking ship? You can jump, you can stay and hope it doesn't sink, sit with everyone else on the ship whose oblivious to the fact their on a sinking ship???? Omg can't take this anymore. Then when I suggest I help the sinking ship by fixing it.(oh no no this is just a rough patch the ship will heal thy self .You have got to be kidding me are you fucking serious?? Oh better yet let's pray for a . Solution maybe someone will just gives us a house free bull shit!!!! So through but how do you get off a sinking ship .don't know how but I am not going to sit on the ship and let it along with me and my kids sink .Dam, Bottom line is if a solution doesn't happen soon I will be toxic to my family, and they will be toxic to me.

A dream of basil.....

June 15, 2014

I dreamed of basil the herb. It was the best dream. You know why?? Because Of what it was about. I dreamed my daughter and I picked basil...from our garden out of our back yard near our house. It was our house I owned it out right, I had a Job to pay for it. Also my daughter and I were getting along. My three year old is of her own Mind just like I am and . I went looking for a job last two weeks I haven't been very lucky. To long out of the work field u know...I am determined but that doesn't seem to get me anywhere. were stressed out beyond belief and that dream was so great there was ,no worries, no stress no arguing ,and my daughter and I were getting along. Why can't that be real and true; as it is trying to teach her to go pottie and dealing with so much stress ,and negativity ,and a mountain of bills who wouldn't want to dream instead of live my particular life. On top of that my best cousin friend is in the hospital she maybe only has days to live. .yea who wants to runaway from home with me....?? It's gotten so bad I don't even want to get up in the morning.... So. .a dream of basil is all I have to look forward to at night la de da lonely, jobless, stress full, desperate .Awe Basil.....Happy fucking birthday to me woo whoo who

June 17, 2014

Wish I had insurance ,wish I could afford insurance ,wish I had a will. If I died today in the ocean were supposedly going to today eventually..... my kids wouldn't be protected and they would go to my mom, or my brother hear which I don't want. I would rather them go to my brother Joe in California. He knows more about fun and spending money wisely then the others. No matter what I do nothing works practically begged for a job Sunday in almost tears because I can't tak the stress no more or this house. Of course no-one called even when your desperate no-one cares. Trying to get away from hear but seems impossible. Wish I had a gun no just wish the kids father would be in their life so they can live with him. I would then disappear and no-one would see me again like today 43 years ago dread and hate the day I was born just not important to no-one ,Can't do anything till I write out a will and hopefully find their dad will this to pass hope so but not likely can't just can't take much more but wait does it count that everything is falling apart around me but I can't pay bills so it's ok I should be happy WTF logic is that If someone cared...

June 25, 2014

If someone cared I wouldn't be entertaining the thought of finding my ex so they can be in a place where it won't be yelling all the time, arguing ,worrying, and stress. One thing about my ex he knew how to have fun, and be fun. I wish I could find him. The kids need their daddy. I am a lousy mother ,I keep trying to find a job and no-one ever calls me back. Been rejected so much I feel like the elephant man. If I could find him he could provide for them better. Me no-one in my entire family cares about me ,not even my brother in Cali. He talks big about helping me ,but all it is is talk. I don't expect him to help me at all. He is good about keeping my hopes about telling me I can get my Ged, I can get my colleges degree, but that is bull shit. The only thing these signal parent societies does is give me a list of grants I can't possible get I less I am in college. The we will. Provide housing for people who need it crap is crap. You have to have a job to get housing...how about a little less grief about the grants and education, and more help with helping a forty something woman get a job I am completely worthless to e everyone especially my kids, and family!

August 6, 2014

Just a report job is doing well got to go in real early at five thirty family is the same. Bought the kids a pool they like it lol I like it to dam hot in house I don't make enough to fix all the problems this house has. Just cheaper finding new one just getting that big lump sum ouch but I 'll do it eventually just a matter of time. I miss my ex so much we were not always so bad we had fun man I really messed up wish can go back in time and change some mistakes I made well can't change that just got to do better later for now dam!!!!

August 16, 2014

Good now that that is over I hate just hate spending any time at home anymore. trash can is always full ,dishes always in sink, my daughter not even changed out of her pull  ups, or fed. Mom Has Other things to do! Guess can't sleep late when I have late nights because nothing will get done! Wish could say living hear us easy but I can't say that no a/c, leaky water, no screens, mosquitos buzzing and biting you all night, dam I hate this place this fucking trailer hood, no matter how much I bring home money food, pay bills, and buy stuff I need we need not for me but the house I still hear bitching, and complaining. Can't win if I had the money I just would rent me a place to have peace and quiet clean not over flooding trash can, no dishes in sink ,no Damn dog shitting everywhere ,no pain in the ass cat hiding under the house so I can't get him no bitching, no leaks no decent tv no fucking a/c I hate being home my kids went from good to mumbling when they answer me if they answer me at all sick of it was getting Michael's hair cut today but as it is I would rather go to work early then be around hear can I ever establish peace in my life to be continuous......happy late Halloween

November 2, 2014

Ok sorry been awhile my cousin passed ,away three, weeks ago i was so upset another person I truly love gone yet I can't cry wth! Today It got colder ,my job is good doing housekeeping today hate it but when everyone calls in sick they call.me whooo! We had some work men come do some things at the health center and one of them so freaking attracted to hope I see ,him again he's bald has tattoo on his head of a hand and he's bald in a very hot cute dam he's fine way you know what I mean. There's been men their cute and ok but never one I am completely attracted to I know he would never date me date material we make side talk and he gave me and his boss half his pizza but I think that's as far as it will ever go not that I want any thing  serious my life is complicated so enough right now but as friends it would be nice not friends with benefits either you add that to the equation things get messy kissing would be nice but then you still have complications he probably has a dozen girlfriends and then some but still can fantasizing. I once told him to be careful he ,was on ladder I am a nice person he said what if I fall will you catch me lamp he's funny like that would love to see him come back and do some more work but I don't know we'll see what happens Tuesday when I come back Monday I have off. So other then that nothing going on missed Halloween had to work but at least kids had fun so yay that. We are, so wanting  to move if mom wasn't so picky we would most likely of moved already but my mom is extremely picky as to what house ,she lives in. I am so tired got to wait till  food carts are off floor to finish patients  rooms I  hate that sitting and waiting want to hurry up and get through ! Ok I am out more info later

housekeeping.....

November 5, 2014

It's ok.. I hope the money is worth it. I hate housekeeping myself. I would rather be laundry any day. Saw that man again the one I saw earlier. Still think he's kind of of cute but the attraction is as strong. Maybe because he don't know I exist now I mean it's just small talk when we pass each other. Who am I kidding even as a friend he is totally out of my league maybe I am out of his what ever even fantasizing of him has faded should stick with my Stories I read and use my imagination NOT LIKE THAT just like romantic love and friendship so strong it's like family don't know it's hard to describe. I am. housekeeping today then. Night time I do laundry can't wait be nice to Kidd around with the opposite sex and they not get the wrong idea. Why is it when your just nice to a guy they automatically jump to conclusions. I am just to nice and I guess guys are not use to that yea the  earth don't revolve around you ! What ever!

I am getting a 22 rifle and I am taking my life back

November 13, 2014

I been so tired of people running over me, and me letting them. My son is ,the same way and junior high is next year I hate to say it but their going to eat him alive if I don't take precautions now. I am going to learn to shoot a gun for my safety ,and target practice for him it will be just targets. Maybe if he feels confident about shooting maybe he will be confident elsewhere. No not buying my son a real gun just a fake one one he can practice with a bb gun maybe. Me I just have so much rage in me at most people who piss me off and can't smack them....so target practice sounds good. Was so am very today wanted to smash a wall so went out had some shots of J/Danial's and felt better have neighbors reconstructing a whole Dam mobile home next door. They walk across our lawn let their trash get in our flower beds and talk real loudly  right next to our Windows. We have no air conditioner we have to have our Windows open. I don't mind people  or otherwise but do they have to be so boisterous?#!! Then on the other side of us we got fucking snow birds who have sticks up their ass so far they both talk soprano! Oh and the women trims her weeds with scissors all the fucking time! Talk about anger issues so yea me being a southern yes I am so the hell what! I need a outlet and since men are not fleeing to me in droves and I hate most women who am I kidding all till proven otherwise need a creative frustrated beyond belief outlet shooting practice sounds damn good right now and maybe it will help my son to create a sharper spine in him. Just once I would like for him to punch a kid in the jaw for teasing him just enough to say leave me the fuck alone or I will end you! God I need him.to be tough so he can take care of him self if he has to. Miss Julie purifiers__________<£

if I was beautiful......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------January 13, 2015

2015 IS THE YEAR

The latest entry is January 13, 2015

Hi this is star bear this is about me a signal mom Finally finding work at fourty two and raising kids three and eleven

Hi star bear is back. Rainy day. How I love rainy days

I AM pretty much by myself with my kids.

I have my mom.. but she don't count, I have

my brother that lives hear in Florida with us

In a different home but he is so busy with his

wife. She is always sick, she is the kind of female that likes to be sick. She likes to have him clean the house, do the laundry ,take the dog out, do dishes....ectara. she wont do anything, but sit on her ass, and play on her laptop, watch TV, and nothing ...else. anyway I have  no one ....well maybe my other brother in California ,but he s to far away. Its like I have this cool deck half a wooden deck...and I asked him(my brother hear in FL) hey want to help me put it together...?its missing a couple of planks....he laughs ask me what I am going to do with it...HELLO want to make a deck and have a tiki bar...love those things...but no so I have no one to help me...Sometimes I just wish wish, that my ex was back he loved challenges....sigh hell I just. Wish I had someone to help me do these things. .put a deck together, make a artificial beach ,hell just simple construction ,and landscaping. A lot of women look for a man good looking, good In bed. I just want a guy who can cook, and is a good handy man/landscaper/kind/and likes working with their hands. Is that to much to ask.

job is going good If assholes fall for me then I would break their fucking hearts. Guys that wouldn't look as  me twice, or even once I would crush them so hard they could never recover! I had a guy he s a kid about twenty call me beautiful no one has ever ever called me that ever! I know he was just being nice, but it made me feel good....and just as quick this little ass hole said to him come on man stop that shit your holding up the line! I hate that prick Ass hole so much I want to kill him why does he have to ruin my moment!? We have narrow halls and Nick fucking asshole wanted me to get out of the way jerk hope a car hits him. Mike  THE guy that gave me the compliment is stuck in wheel chair and has cancer so really nick was being a real asshole as always fuck you nick !

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Banks suck

December 29, 2017

I put my whole paycheck in the bank 248.00 and the bank took all but 84.00 of it. Fuck them I was already depressed today now this I just cried life has been so stressful and now this. this is the second time the bank has done this. This is why people rob banks they deserve being robbed they rob people all the time they just do it the legal way assholes.

Today. Bad
December 30, 2017

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------THE YEAR IS 2018

why do I do the things I do....
January 9, 2018

So I work at a hotel thought it was going to open some doors...thought they would listen to my ideas and maybe I could be more of a part of a team maybe could do some promotional things for them...yada yada yada...I am nothing more then a worker seen...but not heard. I know I know jobs in hotels are like that...my mistake to think I was more then just a rat in the ultimate rat race this time a elder among childish individuals all whom are younger then me...playing at business when they clearly have no clue as to how to keep the hotel busy. two weddings ,and a birthday party are not busy enough. Also would it kill them to have at least a decent bar/and or restaurant hear. On another note I have to move preferably out of this county...make that this city all together to much traffic. As I am looking for a job and a house to move to with my two kids and dog and cats I see a lot of people desperate for work I have attempted to find them jobs on craigslist so I can somehow help them out. I was there before it sucks desperation, and homelessness ,and depression, and betrayal from people you trusted. Been there done that. I have been up to that that is what I am doing recently. Why do I try to be nice to people I have no idea I have been used, betrayed, screwed over ,and thoroughly fucked by people so why do I have to be nice all the time I do not understand the things I do.

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Mirrors suck I just know they are  the spawn of Satan

August 1, 2018

The guy i called a jerk the other day. I realize he is not a jerk he just is not blind, or stupid. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror why the hell would a man find me attractive enough to date let alone be a friend of mine. He just got his common sense back no one is stupid enough to be my friend let alone date. God i am hideous. I just wont talk to no one no more especially the guys at my work. Why was he nice to me in the first place i don't understand that. Why are the rest of the guys nice to me at work???? Why even bother with me?? I am nice to them i like them i treat them like real people why would they even acknowledge my present. I am so unpretty...why why am i allowed to exist!!!??? Just because i am nice don't entitle me to be respected ,loved, or even liked. Just fooling myself no one could ever want to be with me friends, or otherwise.

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Public schools what a fucking joke

August 13, 2018

The first day of school thrilled well kind of or was then I realized fuck same old shit different school. The bus my son has to take clearly states bus will drop kid off at 2:45,or thirty minutes later. understood Monday the bus was three hours later. I am at work freaking out.(my ex spouse had on numerous times threatened to kidnap my kid, and disappear with him) his grandparents can not find him anywhere went to school 45 minutes away and back can not reach the school it is closed. No transport number to call, no truant officer to call. fuck this school and every public school like it. Finally he gets home at 5:30. Meanwhile I had left a irate message on the school recording line. Ok fast forward  to the next day he goes to school gets at the bus stop 3:10. No phone calls from school no apologies no nothing zip ,zilch ,nada... Seriously I mean really no accountability nowhere! Ok really who the hell wouldn't be freaking out like really. Fucking public schools !

August 18, 2018

Woke up with a headache, I don't know if it is the way I am sleeping, or need coffee. I drank 20 fluid ounces water straight up. They say drink at least four before doing anything else when you get up in the morning, eww I didn't even like the first bottle almost made me gag. I just do not think downing it like whiskey was a good idea...but water is gross unless I am walking, or riding the bike and sweating my ass off in this 100 degree August heat. The fast will be held for at the most four days...five days is my goal. After that they said starting eating just fruit for a little bit on the first day off the fast done I love fruit. according to certain authorities best fruits, or apples, pineapple, Strawberries. Things like that being very good. Today I work today hopefully today will not be as bad as yesterday. Yesterday was like a Monday terrible. It is so hot hear wish It would just rain for at least three days to cool things off. I think that is it for now some of the more personal stuff I wont share publicly not on my main page anyway just things I rant, or wish I could change, or things just on my mind. for now Out of hear-----> Now over hear.

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August 19, 2018

Today was a bad night.  just things always go south when I do for others. I really am so fucking stupid. I am just to nice. I can't stand myself sometimes. No one has a clue how fucking much I hate my self. No one knows how vulnerable I am and when it triggers this vulnerability. I go ballistic. I hate that I have to be merry fucking sunshine and these visitors I have to do things for don't even bother offering me tips. I fucking work my ass off. I fucking want to mirror Holly Quinn wish I could be as tough ,crazy, and fucking don't give a shit like her. I would love to fucking be her. Tonight is the last night I put any fucking food in my mouth I am going to fast and do the detox thing and fucking get fucking healthy. I can be mean as a snake if I could just cut out my fucking heart nothing but trouble. save it for my kids and the few that care and the rest just pretend the heart doesn't exist. it is so much easier not to care. they need a fucking drug that takes away certain feelings like niceness and stupidity. When someone is nice to me I crumble. and it is crumbs I get when guys are concerned. they want you for just a little they don't want the whole you they just want the part that they can fuck with. not talking about sex either the part where there nice to you. But they wont talk to you except small talk, then there through with you . Why talk to me at all then? really why..?? You want to talk to me tonight, but what about last week or yesterday? I am just sick of getting crumbs I want the fucking whole enchilada or nothing at all it just gets your hopes up maybe they are different then the other guys. Nope some are just nicer then others, but you still get crumbs. I want a guy just for a fucking friend to fucking hang out with It would be nice to fall in love...but fuck I am not that fucking hopeful. No hang out no talky talky just crumbs and nothing else. I am not angry not so much at them as myself for settling for just crumbs. Plus I know I am not fucking pretty...certainly not beautiful I am cute I think one guy said that to me once. But I am just cute like a fucking puppy, or something. In their eyes that is not good enough I have to be pretty, skinny, sexy forget the brain guys hate that, brainy is not sexy. Am a good friend, good listener, I am loyal, keep secrets I can drink shots of whiskey with no chaser, play pool, have fun, rock out with the best of them. That is not enough though. So I get stuck with crumbs. fuck me and my fucking life and screw the crumbs. I can not settle for crumbs no more Oh but there so nice...yes they are and I love the guys that are nice to me I would do any thing for them That is the problem. CRUMBS settling for crumbs of small talk, and crumbs of well I called everyone else let me call the cute one give her a crumbs worth of conversation since everyone else in the world is busy. Oh for me crumbs thank you. NO no thank you you want to talk to me you want to do shit with me, you want to give me more then a minute of your time if so call me then if not I am not settling for fucking crumbs no more. Does any one that does this care..no because there is fifty million other bitchy skinny girls waiting in the wings you know the ones not the nice ones the ones that know there hot and use it to their advantage to sleep with thousands of guys the ones that have jerry Springer show all over them . Go bother them...and leave this former crumb groupie the hell alone want me friend, or other wise prove it.

OUTOFHEAR------------> GOIGN OVER THERE.

P.S. and I cuss like a fucking sailor not a fucking princess

I cried for two days straight and couldn't stop is there any tears left Wake me Up Inside I feel dead inside have no feelings nothingness

so I bleached my hair and want to pose or make my own exotic pictures

August 28, 2018

I look good with bleached hair now truthfully I was trying to get some kind of avid attention from a certain someone. Not gonna happen unless I dance naked with a fucking snake circling my body he is not gonna to notice nothing about me. I give up. So I I am leaning toward exotic photography so I feel about myself and the rest of the world can kiss my heart shaped ass. I should get professional done see if that works out problem is the money how much is these bedroom pictures really? Are I can do it myself and either fail horribly ,or get lucky. I feel hot all the time not just because August hear is so fucking hot I feel hot like damn I need a cold shower. .but really doesn't help unless I was with someone in the shower. My sex life is fucking dead and getting deader need something to make me feel more like a sexy girl instead of just one of the guys ,and that women with the kids struggling alone to provide for them. I want to be one of those women that people stop and stare mostly ...no all of the guys. .and all the girls of jealous of. Problem is how to be that women be slutty and sexy. .and not be Tramps' The struggle is real people. Let me get to work and continue being looked over. and not looked at. The joy what I wouldn't give for some TLC-----------------------

I was almost in love almost almost.. but now. .I just don't know fucking scammers

September 15, 2018

Okay so I am talking to this guy. He is on Instagram I got a account maybe three weeks ago maybe less not sure. Put a really kicking photo up I am not bad looking just feel ugly because no guy around my off line world seems interested in me. I would put a picture up hear but I always get a error message . Okay I am talking to this guy from Texas I made sure he was not a scammer first and foremost there everywhere jerks. and he seems nice enough works like all the time like me has a infant daughter that is staying with his mom because he is never home. I guess its a good business but business is slowing so in a month he is heading over seas he is in to building, and construction He is kind of cute he is real tall white and fairly nice I mean all the way nice. I date any guy that is into me like I am into him not picky, anyway we talk and talk and sometimes we talk so much and other times he seems busy, and I do not hear from him all day till almost late,

He finally text me via phone just today we were talking on Instagram. I mean I met him I don't know last week.. was it? He said somethings that makes me all awe inside other times just I don't know like he would rather be doing something else maybe it is just me I am use to being rejected .I guess but I am not use to guys wanted to see me soon.. does that mean they really like me. .or they just want to get their rocks off and then I never hear from them again the awe moment is when I told him in no way shape or form can I have any more babies... I mean I probably could but I don't want to chance that plus I am 46 no babies baby factory is closed. He said we can get a dog awe moment right? or just saying that? Today the way we were talking i almost felt something like love just a little bit but then he said something else can't recall it just now, but it made my heart do the backing up real quick like wait wait wait so i don't know. he admits to talking to other people but he said not about a relationship like he talks to me about. okay but most of the people you follow are women pretty pretty women so what do you talk about he didn't offer me a what I didn't ask..i mean guys talking to beautiful sexy women come on really. so i was almost there but that shut my heart down faster then anything else. Another thing he tells me love you and lots of kiss emojis and all that on Instagram. on my phone barely a kissy emoji no love mentioned and he was busy for a whole four hours before he answered me at 11 at night . disappointing. I am glad i didn't go to the love point i almost fucked up by feeling anything like love for this guy i like him a lot but i think it may not be meant to be as much as that hurts to say that . I wish there was no such thing as Facebook, or Instagram ,or anything online related. i would of rather met him on a real street and in person then i wouldn't know he was talking to at least 200 other women god i am a dumb ass he can't be interested in just me. i know it. fucked again by the heart