Sep 13, 2008
Sep 13, 2008…It was about 2:30 in the morning when I woke up alone in total darkness, with what sounded like a freight train headed straight to my little garage apartment. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I was scared. During those initial fifteen to thirty minutes, I grew more and more afraid as those gusts of winds became hurricane force sustained winds, and I just knew that that freight train was going to run straight through my house. I was so scared that I curled up tightly into a fetal position under the covers as far down at the foot of my bed as I could get and did the only thing I could think of to do. I started by repeating the Lord’s Prayer. Over and over, I would repeat it. And every now and then I would ask God to protect and comfort me. I repeated the Lords Prayer consistently over the next two hours, I started by asking God to protect me, then I moved on to me, my family and my friends, and as the storm got worse, my prayers grew from me, my family, and my friends, to my church, my city, and my entire state! When the storm had passed, I was able to crawl out from under the covers, go to the bathroom, and then go back to bed and go to sleep.
Fast forward four years to today, Sep.13, 2012 and I am going through another storm...it's a different kind of storm...but just as deadly and frightening as Hurricane Ike...and well...I find myself thinking that I don't know what to do...but is it really that I don't know what to do, or is it that I'm just choosing not to do it?
I've been struggling...really struggling with life this past year and especially the last few months...and I really feel, that I've been 'wrestling with God'...and I don't consider myself really special or anything, but just in case you don't know...wrestling with God is the hardest, most exhausting thing I've ever experienced...I guess it's because I know that I can't and won't win...but GOD, this is hard...because I want to win...I want my cake and I want to eat it too!!! I had asthma as a child...that is hard to deal with...as an 18 y/o HS graduate, I left everything I had ever known and went off to Army Basic Training...that was a little harder to deal with, but I did it and I made it through it..I fell in love, got married, had a son, and then, well then I went through what I thought was the worst thing of all, a seperation and eventual divorce from the 'love of my life'...it took a very LONG time but eventually I recovered from even that...but this...this wrestling with God...all alone...just me, myself, and I...wrestling and struggling with MY all powerful, all knowing, and all loving GOD...THIS IS TOO HARD!!!....I don't want to do what I know to do...I'm angry...I am angry at God for putting me through this...but that is so wrong...so, so, wrong...why is God allowing me through to go through this?...or why?...why am I knowing putting myself through this...everything I know tells me that what I am doing is wrong...but I can't help it...I don't know what to do...WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?
Fast forward four years to today, Sep.13, 2012 and I am going through another storm...it's a different kind of storm...but just as deadly and frightening as Hurricane Ike...and well...I find myself thinking that I don't know what to do...but is it really that I don't know what to do, or is it that I'm just choosing not to do it?
I've been struggling...really struggling with life this past year and especially the last few months...and I really feel, that I've been 'wrestling with God'...and I don't consider myself really special or anything, but just in case you don't know...wrestling with God is the hardest, most exhausting thing I've ever experienced...I guess it's because I know that I can't and won't win...but GOD, this is hard...because I want to win...I want my cake and I want to eat it too!!! I had asthma as a child...that is hard to deal with...as an 18 y/o HS graduate, I left everything I had ever known and went off to Army Basic Training...that was a little harder to deal with, but I did it and I made it through it..I fell in love, got married, had a son, and then, well then I went through what I thought was the worst thing of all, a seperation and eventual divorce from the 'love of my life'...it took a very LONG time but eventually I recovered from even that...but this...this wrestling with God...all alone...just me, myself, and I...wrestling and struggling with MY all powerful, all knowing, and all loving GOD...THIS IS TOO HARD!!!....I don't want to do what I know to do...I'm angry...I am angry at God for putting me through this...but that is so wrong...so, so, wrong...why is God allowing me through to go through this?...or why?...why am I knowing putting myself through this...everything I know tells me that what I am doing is wrong...but I can't help it...I don't know what to do...WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?
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