Send In the Clowns
Wow....it's quite a daunting task to embark upon writing this journal. So much of what I have to say requires a preface and even extensive background to make any sense. I'm not exactly sure how to start, so I guess I'll just begin with today and go from there. As I go about my life, many things I'm experiencing remind me of songs. Sometimes it's just the title, other times bits of the song, but sometimes the entire song just seems to sum up my life or mood or the day. I would be hard pressed to come up with just a single "theme song", but if I had to choose right now, it would be "Send In the Clowns", the inspiration for my user name. There are some especially poingant phrases: "I thought that you'd want what I want, sorry, my dear." "Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours..." "Loosing my timing again with my usual flair. Sure of my life, no one is there."
There are other songs that have touched my life from time to time. I'm sure "I Learned the Truth at 17" was written about me. "All My Life's a Circle" "Alone Again, Naturally" "Sounds of Silence" I could go on and on....
The event that triggered my melancholy state most recently is that once again, someone I thought was a really good friend just abandoned me. It's nothing that hasn't happened before with other friends, boyfriends, my husband, my parents...but it never gets any easier. I had heard of the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood ages ago. I never read it because I thought I had a fairly good idea what it was about and I really wasn't up for yet another book about who I am and why. I don't know what possessed me, probably my friend just leaving me on my own at a particulary difficult time, but I Googled it the other day and read a document exerpted from the book describing the characteristics of the type of women (and men) that the author was writing about.
I found my entire life boiled down to one page of text. Only 15 succinct points. That's all I am. That's all my entire life has been about. 15 years of counseling, hospitalizations, antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, prayer, NLP seminars--you name it, I've tried it--and in one afternoon I had both the cause and prognosis of my "disease". I'm sure the book elaborates upon the "cure", but I just don't have the heart to read it, especially when I know I won't be able to follow through on the suggestions.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and ALL I've ever wanted my entire life was for someone to love me. Just ME, for who I am; not what I can do for them or give them or because they are my kids and they have to! Oh, just because I can't find that love, it doesn't stop me from doing things and giving things--time, money, attention, whatever--to anyone and everyone who asks. In fact, I give and give and give and give, to the extent that there's nothing left. And then I suck it up and give some more. Yet time and again my help, love, concern, care, etc for other people gets rejected. I feel like an empty, useless shell. Used up and tossed out the car window. Sometimes I envision myself as a tumbleweed in the desert, alone and unwanted. Sometimes I feel like a neglected dog. Just toss me a few crumbs and I'm eternally grateful. You can beat me or kick me or anything and I'll still be faithful to you and happy to see you. (Hell, I've been married to the same man for 30 years and it hasn't exactly what anyone would call rewarding.)
I'm like the "Thing that Wouldn't Leave". I'm pathetic that way.
There are other songs that have touched my life from time to time. I'm sure "I Learned the Truth at 17" was written about me. "All My Life's a Circle" "Alone Again, Naturally" "Sounds of Silence" I could go on and on....
The event that triggered my melancholy state most recently is that once again, someone I thought was a really good friend just abandoned me. It's nothing that hasn't happened before with other friends, boyfriends, my husband, my parents...but it never gets any easier. I had heard of the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood ages ago. I never read it because I thought I had a fairly good idea what it was about and I really wasn't up for yet another book about who I am and why. I don't know what possessed me, probably my friend just leaving me on my own at a particulary difficult time, but I Googled it the other day and read a document exerpted from the book describing the characteristics of the type of women (and men) that the author was writing about.
I found my entire life boiled down to one page of text. Only 15 succinct points. That's all I am. That's all my entire life has been about. 15 years of counseling, hospitalizations, antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, prayer, NLP seminars--you name it, I've tried it--and in one afternoon I had both the cause and prognosis of my "disease". I'm sure the book elaborates upon the "cure", but I just don't have the heart to read it, especially when I know I won't be able to follow through on the suggestions.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and ALL I've ever wanted my entire life was for someone to love me. Just ME, for who I am; not what I can do for them or give them or because they are my kids and they have to! Oh, just because I can't find that love, it doesn't stop me from doing things and giving things--time, money, attention, whatever--to anyone and everyone who asks. In fact, I give and give and give and give, to the extent that there's nothing left. And then I suck it up and give some more. Yet time and again my help, love, concern, care, etc for other people gets rejected. I feel like an empty, useless shell. Used up and tossed out the car window. Sometimes I envision myself as a tumbleweed in the desert, alone and unwanted. Sometimes I feel like a neglected dog. Just toss me a few crumbs and I'm eternally grateful. You can beat me or kick me or anything and I'll still be faithful to you and happy to see you. (Hell, I've been married to the same man for 30 years and it hasn't exactly what anyone would call rewarding.)
I'm like the "Thing that Wouldn't Leave". I'm pathetic that way.
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